Not equipped for work? Legally she can now make you go job hunting in your pants.
In a surprise move Iain Duncan Smith has announced that Atos, the company whose callousness made Lord Voldemort look like Michael Palin, will be replaced by “some PE teachers.”
Who wouldn’t want this hair? Oh, everyone. Okay then.
Following in the rumoured to be freakishly small and girl-like footsteps of Kim Jong-un, Mayor of London and Womble-that’s-let-itself-go made flesh Boris Johnson has issued a proclamation stating that all men in the capital must henceforth have the same haircut as him.
Despite the imposition of sanctions on his closest allies, it appears that German leader, Adolf Hitler remains resolute in his insistence that “The Poles had been asking for it for years and now that they had been invaded it was no use squealing and asking for help from a bunch of lily livered do gooders.”
The West’s reaction to the invasion has been powerful. Leaders have condemned the actions in the “strongest terms” and there is talk of ramping up their opposition by not going to the tea party that the Fuhrer had been planning to host, taking their knitting circle to dear dependable Mrs Belgium’s instead.
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Filed under International News, Politics
National weather guessrs the Met Office are branching out into a new variety of forecasting. Starting next week they’ll be watching the sky maps to provide us with daily horoscopes.
It’s an open secret that some of the nation’s best known weather broadcasters are keen astrologists with Michale ‘Fickle’ Fish and Ian ‘Mystic Mac’ McCaskill famed for their powers of foresight.
We managed to speak to top weatherist Carol Kirkwood offa the BBC, and she gave us a sneak preview of what we can expect “With temperatures soaring in middle England this week, Libras in the Harold area may begin to feel the heat. You will be tempted to pull a sickie and sunbathe, but be carefully optimistically cautious about complications this may cause around money.
Could it be the wildlife? We’d go miles to see a beast called Lord Derby’s scaly-tailed squirrel too.
A senior official at the US Department of Defense has confirmed that the USA is this week sending a detachment of special forces troops to oil-and-diamond rich Uganda which will also carry out missions in Central African Republic (diamonds, oil and uranium) DR Congo (oil, diamonds, cobalt, uranium and coltan) and South Sudan (oil, so much oil. It has oil like Game of Thrones has plot twists, like Minecraft has blocks, like your mum has sailors. South Sudan has a lot of oil is what we’re trying to say.).
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Filed under International News
Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith. Or we could call her Granny Bling Hat.
In a controversial new report Harold academic Professor Julia Hogsburn is calling for the word royal to be banned from public life. In it she details how much money is spent each year by forelock tugging Brits insisting on writing royal in front of things. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Royals
To illustrate this story we decided to use the first famous face that would come up when we image searched ‘annoying man’.
In a stark new report on the nation’s health the NHS has revealed that millions of us are now believed to be suffering from git fatigue.
Orgy of light and warmth
Charities are reporting growing concern that new pension rules will lead to old people recklessly squandering their retirement income on luxuries such as heating and food.
After 2015, people reaching retirement age will be able to use pension pots however they want, rather than having to buy a guaranteed annual income, and the fear is that many will rush out to buy tinned food, which they will then cook using fuel in an adequately-heated apartment. Continue reading
Should have given up long ago…
The anti-smoking lobby is today mourning the death of one of its most tireless and misunderstood campaigners, Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps, who for decades picketed military funerals with large signs warning of the dangers of cigarettes.
Brought up originally in London’s East End before moving to Kansas, Phelps’ slogan ‘God Hates Fags’ was tragically never really appreciated by the American public.
Waving large colourful signs, Phelps would attend funerals desperately trying to explain that servicemen would stand a far better chance of survival in modern war zones if they could only give up cigarettes and improve fitness levels.
“It’s a tragedy that he never seemed to get his message across,” lamented Aaron Bryce, chairman of the ‘We Hate Benders’ society, founded to protest against the popular brand of chewing tobacco invented by Michael Bender.
“The idea that he was some kind of anti-gay bigot is just a terrible misunderstanding,” explained Bryce. “You couldn’t meet a friendlier man. We were members of the same chicken-breeding club, and many’s the night we’d stay up rubbing our cocks together into the small hours. Then he’d usually give me one.”
Filmmaker Louis Theroux, who documented Phelps’ demonstrations, admitted he had been completely wrong about the pastor. “I’m a pretty good judge of character,” he confessed, “But when I saw all the posters and stuff, I just leapt to the conclusion that the man was a rabid homophobe, devoid of the slightest trace of love or compassion, cruelly taunting the families of dead soldiers.”
“I should have realised no-one could be that much of an arsehole.”
Phelps was buried in a simple coffin befitting his modest life, the wood bare of decoration other than a massive slogan ‘HATING GAYS GIVES YOU CANCER’, with a headstone bearing an enormous photograph of a gnarled and blackened heart.
His own.
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Filed under breaking news, Health, Religion
Mornings are not the time to have to cope with George Osborne’s face so here’s a picture of your reporter’s cat instead.
Elderly bigots across the country are enjoying their first full day of gains from a budget designed especially for them.
“This is a budget for the makers, the doers and most especially anyone who was thinking of voting Ukip in 2015,” said George Osborne. “We’re putting Britain further to the right, but the job is far from done.”
Osborne’s budget took 5p off the cover price of both the Daily Mail and the Daily Telegraph, put a cap on the top price of World at War boxsets and abolished VAT on golfing equipment as well as on clothes bought at garden centres.
“Both the Tories and Ukip get the majority of their votes from the over fifty-fives,” explained the Chancellor. “This gave the budget a clear goal: appeal to the loons and sod everyone else. This isn’t about the standard of living or safe-guarding jobs this is about my standard of living and safe-guarding my job.”
However Osborne has denied that his budget was entirely focussed on wooing Ukip.
“I took a penny off a pint of beer and halved the duty on bingo. That’s what the proles like, isn’t it? Maybe next year I’ll also include something about football and tanning machines. That ought to do the trick.”
At the time of going to press no Ukip spokesperson was available for comment as they were too busy blaming the first day of spring on the fact that homosexuals can get married and resenting that the countryside is once more becoming bright and gay.
Ivan Lendl: the absolute personification of jolliness
Andy Murray has split with Ivan Lendl the coach under whose guidance he won both Wimbledon and Olympic gold saying that Lendl simply wasn’t “miserable enough”.
“I just can’t handle it anymore,” Murray told reporters. “Twice already this year Ivan’s smiled during a coaching session and, though he denies it, I swear I once heard him chuckle when he was talking to his wife on the phone.” Continue reading
Excited crowds gather as the first concrete egg coin nears completion
A new £1 coin, designed to be the “most secure in the world”, is set to be introduced in 2017.
To combat concerns about the current pound coin’s vulnerability to counterfeiting, The Royal Mint has decided on a controversial new design – the coin will now be a fifty-metre wide concrete egg, which experts say will be almost impossible to copy, even if you wanted to.
The new coin will be made in grey and will incorporate state-of-the-art authentication technology and roughly £800 worth of concrete, at a stroke making counterfeiting non-viable.
In a nod to tradition, the coin’s unusual shape is said to be based on Queen Victoria’s threepenny bits, which were famously large enough to need a pair of courtiers to carry them around.
Such radical changes to symbolic items always cause complaints, and concerns have been raised by consumer groups about the ridiculously massive size of the coins. A government source countered this, saying: “We realise this will cause some inconvenience to shoppers, but expect the public to broadly support the move. The fitness benefits alone will be enormous.”
“This could also solve the housing crisis as you could use the coin egg as a sturdy thing around which to construct a rudimentary shelter.”
However, well-meaning liberals should realise that the housing problem is no simple matter, after eight Big Issue sellers were crushed to death during trials of the new coin in Romford.
A competition will be held to decide the image on one side of the coin, with Eric Pickles already the front-runner, providing they can fit him in.
Ofsted chief inspector Sir Michael Wilshaw in combative mood yesterday
Following reports that many Ofsted inspectors do not have the skills or teaching experience needed to judge schools, is has emerged that what was assumed to be a body of humans is in fact largely made up of a roving pack of baboons, missing from London Zoo for several years.
The problem seems to have started as Ofsted became increasingly reliant on private firms to provide inspectors, with the obvious lack of quality controls that brings.
Motivated purely by profits, the outsourcing companies seem to have employed the cheapest inspectors possible, with the baboons undercutting even the foreign or dead candidates.
Many schools did not notice any difference at first, so low were their expectations of the inspectors, and suspicions only came to light after a recent think tank report mentioned that the majority of inspectors “Lacked teaching experience, and seemed to be covered in fur matted with faeces”. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Education, Nature
Will the world end with a Sprite Deluxe Tourer?
However, the full horror of global warming has come closer to home after scientists confirmed that the weekend’s early clogging of Britain’s road network by caravans was ‘almost certainly due’ to the effects of global warming. Continue reading
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Filed under environment, News, science
Sebastian Vettel in the new Red Anteater
Noses: All of the cars are required to have a nose resembling an animal. Most teams have settled on styling their snouts on crocodiles, anteaters and tapirs. No one has elected to go for an elephant’s trunk. That would be silly. Continue reading
“Guess what you’re going to be today ..”
Tony Benn, whose death has just been announced, started life as a member of the aristocracy and ended it a commoner. In this regard he was the exact opposite of Kate Middleton.
After founding the Monster Raving Loony Party under the pseudonym of Screaming Lord Sutch, he renounced his peerage, moved further to the left and become a member of Harold Wilson’s Labour Government of the 1960’s. As Postmaster General he was responsible for ensuring enough gum was applied to postage stamps and having the Post Office Tower built entirely of Lego bricks.
A noted original political thinker and great orator, he made frequent appearances on shows such as Question Time well into his eighties. “Everyone listened when Tony spoke” said David Dimbleby, paying tribute. “Of course, it was total bollocks, but everyone listened.” Continue reading
We have no idea what’s going on there but we’re sure it’s more exciting than an inter-department strategy meeting.
Workplaces across the country are empty or severely understaffed this morning as hundreds of thousands of people have called in sick with Titanfall plague. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, Technology
Luckily, Rose Lee had 40 surplus dogs available
Fairly popular local animal charity, Harold Dog Rescue, is appealing for urgent financial help, following a break-in over last weekend.
“When I woke up on Monday morning, I was horrified to find that all forty dogs had been nicked” said centre manager Alison Lee, who was only appointed last month. “The very worst thing is that our well-meaning elderly and retired volunteers now have nothing to do. So as an emergency measure, we decided to buy in some new stock.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Law and Order, News, Pets
Pope Francis: his first attempt at disguising himself by wearing a sheep was bobbins
Since he moved into the Vatican a year ago today there have been unconfirmed reports that Pope Francis is sneaking out at night to give food and comfort to the homeless. Cynics have wondered how a man so instantly recognisable has been able to do this undetected however the mystery has been solved by the revelation that the pope is wearing a niqab.
“It’s the perfect disguise,” said Vatican spokesman Cardinal Carlo Crivelli. “No one ever really looks at the homeless and a lot of people avert their eyes when they see a woman wearing the niqab so this is a win-win for Papa Francesco.”
Reaching out to the homeless is one of the many things about Pope Francis which unsettles his critics along with his rejection of intense papal bling, and seeming to be quite nice.
Harold resident Cassie Fine spoke for many when she said “It’s confusing having a genuinely good man as pope. It’s not that I want Pope Francis not to be but if he suddenly turned out to be a massive bastard then that would conform to my world view. I’d be relieved in the same way I was when it became obvious that Obama wasn’t going to save the world but bomb more of it. It was crap but expected just like The One Show.”
Now Pope Francis’ cover has been blown the world is waiting to see if any other religious leaders will be revealed to be carrying out good deeds in disguise prompting Paddy Power to offer odds of 5-1 that the Dalai Lama is Batman.
If you don’t know what occasion this picture is a record of then count yourself very lucky.
Prince Edward is fifty today! In celebration we are proud to list his achievements and the reasons he’s a national treasure. Continue reading
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