Amid allegations of chemical weapons being used against innocent civilians, the United Nations led by the UK and the US have put their foot down and told the rebels they need to find more oil before they can expect help.
In a league of global oil producers, Syria is currently 32nd, which puts them below the ‘red line’ that determines automatic help.
This position puts them below Australia, Norway and Iraq – whose 7th place gives them help against weapons of mass destruction, including the imaginary ones.
In a statement released by the UN following an emergency meeting, they said “arming the rebels is too dangerous at the moment as the weapons may get into the wrong hands. That is a risk we are not willing to take unless it means we can run our 4x4s and air conditioning for an additional 50 years.”
However, as in all international negotiations we are willing to move our position and step in to stop genocide. So instead of weapons we will be sending drills, and if they find more oil, we will be there to not only help the Syrian people, but also help ourselves.”
The question of training for the rebels to use the drills has been put forward after the preferred company, Cuadrilla, pulled out.
In a statement the company said “we would love to go and start drilling the proven oil-rich Middle East, but we cannot commit to any further projects until we have finished in the ‘gold mine’ that is Balcombe”.
When Mik Bulk met Assad (we think): For the in depth opinion piece, click these words.