Tag Archives: Assad

Syrian hackers improve Skype


Hackers have dramatically improved Skype, Microsoft has confirmed.

A group calling themselves the Syrian Electronic Army has claimed responsibility for the Enhancement of Service Attack (EoSA), which for a time left users able to make video calls without gnawing through their fists in frustration.

“The Syrian Electronic Army has struck a blow against Western Neo-Con Troubleshooters”, read a statement. “Once again, President Assad can speak to his loyal followers while showing us his genitals.”

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America still unsure about Syria as God is undecided


With less than a week until a crucial debate and vote in the US congress over action in Syria, Senators and Congressmen are still awaiting for God to tell them his opinion.

Both sides of the argument have been praying hard to God, however He seem to be procrastinating over the monumental decision. If He has not spoken to them by Sunday, the vote may be put back.

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Syria latest: Rebels told help will be available if they ‘find more oil’.


Amid allegations of chemical weapons being used against innocent civilians, the United Nations led by the UK and the US have put their foot down and told the rebels they need to find more oil before they can expect help.

In a league of global oil producers, Syria is currently 32nd, which puts them below the ‘red line’ that determines automatic help.

This position puts them below Australia, Norway and Iraq – whose 7th place gives them help against weapons of mass destruction, including the imaginary ones.

In a statement released by the UN following an emergency meeting, they said “arming the rebels is too dangerous at the moment as the weapons may get into the wrong hands. That is a risk we are not willing to take unless it means we can run our 4x4s and air conditioning for an additional 50 years.”

However, as in all international negotiations we are willing to move our position and step in to stop genocide. So instead of weapons we will be sending drills, and if they find more oil, we will be there to not only help the Syrian people, but also help ourselves.”

The question of training for the rebels to use the drills has been put forward after the preferred company, Cuadrilla, pulled out.

In a statement the company said “we would love to go and start drilling the proven oil-rich Middle East, but we cannot commit to any further projects until we have finished in the ‘gold mine’ that is Balcombe”.

When Mik Bulk met Assad (we think): For the in depth opinion piece, click these words.

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Assad dismisses Syria conflict as ‘playful tiff’


Assad also denied being involved in advertising

President Assad of Syria says images of entire towns reduced to rubble, thousands of murdered civilians and over a million refugees fleeing the country show “a playful tiff”.

“The pictures certainly look horrific but they give a far more drastic and violent impression of what took place than is really true.” claimed Mr Assad, “A couple of years ago I started to have an intense debate with sections of the Syrian population about the way that I was running the country.”

“What the pictures show is not my forces murdering defenceless civilians, but merely me attempting to emphasise my point that I’m doing a great job thank you very much.”
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