Tag Archives: Cuadrilla

Syria latest: Rebels told help will be available if they ‘find more oil’.


Amid allegations of chemical weapons being used against innocent civilians, the United Nations led by the UK and the US have put their foot down and told the rebels they need to find more oil before they can expect help.

In a league of global oil producers, Syria is currently 32nd, which puts them below the ‘red line’ that determines automatic help.

This position puts them below Australia, Norway and Iraq – whose 7th place gives them help against weapons of mass destruction, including the imaginary ones.

In a statement released by the UN following an emergency meeting, they said “arming the rebels is too dangerous at the moment as the weapons may get into the wrong hands. That is a risk we are not willing to take unless it means we can run our 4x4s and air conditioning for an additional 50 years.”

However, as in all international negotiations we are willing to move our position and step in to stop genocide. So instead of weapons we will be sending drills, and if they find more oil, we will be there to not only help the Syrian people, but also help ourselves.”

The question of training for the rebels to use the drills has been put forward after the preferred company, Cuadrilla, pulled out.

In a statement the company said “we would love to go and start drilling the proven oil-rich Middle East, but we cannot commit to any further projects until we have finished in the ‘gold mine’ that is Balcombe”.

When Mik Bulk met Assad (we think): For the in depth opinion piece, click these words.

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Villagers blame fracking for Mothra attacks

fracking moths

Up from the depths, 30 storeys high: Cuadrilla. Cuadrilla. Cuadrilla!

A sharp increase in the number of attacks by an angry, giant moth is being blamed on fracking by locals.

‘Mothra’, a devine kaiju or ‘strange creature’ that normally protects mankind from monsters such as the tyranosaur-like Cuadrilla, was discovered under a field outside Harold last Thursday. Wrenched from the ground in larvae form during a tentative light frack, Mothra was discarded by Cuadrilla after she proved too hard to set fire to.

“My theory is that this creature had been resting just below my potatoes”, explained farmer Evans. “She was probably all content and that, because the bees have come back. But when Cuadrilla drilled through her hidey-hole, she really got the hump. That’s when she went off on one and started beaming stuff with her face.”
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