Western leaders have confused the rest of the world by paying their deepest respects following the death of a radical Muslim leader.
Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz died in hospital after a short battle with modernisation, which he lost when he took a dose of human rights abuses.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
Local businessman Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of The Squirrel Lickers Arms, Harold, has said he will pay his upcoming tax bill through a round of quantitative easing (QE).
In a statement on the pub’s Facebook page, Eddie explained that although German beers were doing very well, poor sales of the Greek Kofta and the Portuguese ‘Ronaldo spit roast’ meant the pubs growth was static.
“In light of those figures, We have decided to make our own money and use that to pay HMRC,” the statement said.
“This may seem like we are just making life easier by making our own money instead of dealing with the underlying issues, but this move is actually massive benefit for everyone involved. Unfortunately we have no idea why that is, but if we say it enough times you may just start believing us.”
Among the critics of the move was Lionel Garage, leader of the Harold Independence Party.
“It’s fine if the taxman is willing to accept it, but the thought of just printing money to sort your cash flow out seems too good to be true,” Garage said.
“Like the time he offered free pork scratchings with every pint at the same time his psoriasis flared up.”
Despite the criticism that this may be immoral, Eddie said that it will actually help put money back into the community, specifically within the art world.
“My printer’s run out of ink so I’m looking for someone who can draw a really good queen.”
A show trial could restore the public’s confidence in politicians.
The postponing of an irrelevant report about notorious murderer Tony Blair has delayed his hanging until May.
With the rope already ordered and a gibbet in Westminster booked for the bank holiday, the act of justice will take place shortly after the general election.
“The Chilcot Enquiry was set up to see just how guilty this psychotic warmonger is”, said a spokesman for the Home Office.
“But so far, the author hasn’t found the words. ‘Very’ doesn’t cut it all, and neither does ‘really, really properly’. Hopefully by April, he’ll have come up with something along the lines of ‘as f**k’.”
It’s expected that certain information will be redacted from the report, such as Tony Blair’s name, some key dates and all the facts. Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Election 2015, Politics
This chap looks very familiar. You think he’d be all right for cash after all that wizarding
Iain Duncan Smith is claiming to have spearheaded a jobs revival having had people who beg on Britain’s streets implanted with contactless card payment systems.
“There is no such thing as society,” said Duncan Smith. “Oops, sorry, wrong notes – there are no beggars, only street entrepreneurs. There are no rough sleepers, only hard-working self-starters who spend all their time in their ‘office’ pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and not being part of the something for nothing culture of benefits.” Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
Ed Miliband has been sent an invoice for “not showing up” in his position as head of the Labour Party.
Mr Miliband apparently agreed to lead the party in 2010, but subsequently seems to have realised he had something else planned, at least, that’s the only way to explain his seeming invisibility.
“It’s like he just couldn’t be bothered to show up,” complained TUC General Secretary and mother of two Frances O’Grady. “We wouldn’t mind, but we paid for the charisma training.”
“I got the invoice this morning,” admitted Miliband to journalists. “They said they would take me to the small claims court if I don’t pay. I just think it’s really unfair. I’m the Leader of the Opposition, I think”
Legal experts believe it is actually unlikely that Miliband will be forced to pay the bill. The Evening Harold’s Legal correspondent insisted: “A legal contract can only be made with a fully-mature grown adult. We think that says it all.”
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Filed under Lost and Found, Politics
Should this wide-eyed fanatic be tolerated?
Eric Pickles has made a personal written plea to individual members of the Hopkins family asking them to stand with the rest of the UK in defeating hatred while one member of their clan continues to run amok.
“We know that acts of headline grabbing and offence are not representative of the Hopkins family,” he wrote. “But we need to show what is.” Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, Politics, Religion
Bill Gates admits he got his haircut from a charity shop
The move comes after the charity released a study that claims very soon the richest 1% would have 50% of the world’s wealth.
A lawyer speaking on behalf of Oxfam’s new owners said: “The previous owners of this charity have long been complaining about inequality and how capitalism was making things worse, so we bought them.
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Fat Dave utilising his right to cause offence
Dish-Face Dave was probably talking about comments the Pope had made about punching people in the nose who make fun of religion, but you never know with the dopey twat. He might have said ‘there is a right to cause offence’ to excuse his corpulent flatulence.
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‘Even this much self-worth strikes at the very heart of Tory policies’
With a recent survey showing some NHS workers aren’t on anti-depressants, Ministers fear they might still be feeling OK about themselves.
“Staff self-esteem is much the same as C. difficile.” said a swivel-eyed Jeremy Hunt yesterday “Not something you really want to find in a hospital but succeptible to vicious, sustained attack nonetheless.”
Flag made from sticky backed plastic and a pair of Val’s old knickers.
BBC bosses have announced a children’s spy competition in conjunction with MI5 to find kids with the right ‘attitude and qualifications’ to lead the new Blue Peter Youth movement.
The Blue Peter Youth is being set up as a social initiative to encourage children to take part in local activities such as collecting milk bottle tops for charity, dog walking, racism, and bracing outdoor activities like cycling, hill walking and book burning. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Culture, Entertainment, Media, Politics, TV, Uncategorized
Far-right Facebook memers Britain First have called upon their members in South Thanet to vote for Nigel Farage and not “that muslim fella, al-Murray”.
“First Al-Qaeda, then al-Zawahiri, and now al-Murray, they’re taking the piss” Britain First’s chief bigot Paul Goulding said.
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Al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has declared a jihad on Hollywood after his terrorist group’s films were once again snubbed for the best foreign language film for a tenth straight year.
“We thought we had a great chance with ‘Death To The West'” he told Al Jazeera. “A two-hour emotional monologue detailing the complex issues around our fractious relationship with America.
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Filed under Entertainment, News, Politics, Uncategorized
Little ray of sunshine – Choudary takes jollity to extremes.
A radical cleric, who’s job is to think so that others don’t have to, has finally thought of something nice to say.
“I’m tweeting like a happy robin, the weather is beautiful today”, wrote extremist Anjem Choudary. “It’s the sort of day that makes you feel glad to be alive, and to contemplate allowing others to remain so.”
Little is known about the cause of Choudary’s uncharacteristic outburst, but there are rumours that he read a syrupy Facebook meme.
“If you can’t think of something nice to say, don’t say anything at all”, he told his followers. “I’m going to say one lovely thing a day for the whole of this week.”
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Filed under Politics, Social media
Wonder what they’re all thinking? Dave knows
David Cameron has announced that his government are set to do radical Islam a solid and limit everyone’s right to privacy and freedom. “The powers that I believe we need,” he said, “whether on communications data, or on the content of communications – I am very comfortable those are absolutely right for a modern, liberal democracy. A modern, liberal democracy in which security services read everything, listen to everything and watch everyone. If that’s not the definition of a free society well then maybe I don’t know what one is.” Continue reading
Patients can also choose not to be neutered.
Rather than expose patients to 15 hour waits in beleaguered A&E units, a NHS whistle-blower has revealed that some overstretched hospitals have been referring patients to veterinary practices for more immediate treatment.
Even more embarrassing for the NHS, internal surveys of customer satisfaction have shown that patients would rather return to the vet for further treatment rather than their local hospital. Continue reading
Anal terrorism is the worst, Fox News
An American “terrorism expert” on the right-wing Fox News channel has declared that the leafy Sussex town of East Grinstead is “a totally Scientologist” city “where non-Scientologists just simply don’t go”.
Steve Emerson made the claim, which may come as a surprise to the thousands of non-Scientologist residents of West Sussex’s fourteenth-largest town, during a television discussion about no-go zones in Europe where Scientologists are apparently in complete control.
“In Britain, it’s not just no-go zones, there are actual towns like East Grinstead that are totally Scientologist, where John Travolta and Tom Cruise stalk the streets, beating up anyone who doesn’t look like them, dress like them or make increasingly desperate comeback movies,” he said. Continue reading
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Filed under Felching Bumsquats, Media, Politics
Blair acts on his personal commandment, “thou shalt not listen”
“It’s not very often I can sympathise with terrorists, other than the killing innocent people thing, but having one million people marching through the street is something they should ignore,” Mr Blair said. Continue reading
Following his tweet suggesting all Muslims must be held responsible for jihadists, the world has responded saying Rupert Murdoch should be held responsible for Rupert Murdoch.
“An ancient ideology, with extremist views that are not comparable with a modern progressive society”, is how one commentator described Mr Murdoch.
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“No, really. You’re welcome to it.” [Circle Holdings 2015]
The company is so upset that it’s decided to withdraw from Hinchingbrooke hospital but made it clear that it will continue with many other NHS deals. “Some are very profitable,” agreed Circle’s top Money-Wrangler Steve Melton “and in such cases it would clearly be unethical to let the public down.” Continue reading
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Filed under Aggressively Tested, Health, Medicine, News, Politics
Can he fix it? No, he can’t
Nick Clegg has cancelled an order for 500 business cards advertising his skills as a low-level bodger, after being declared the leader of a ‘major political party’.
“This is brilliant news,” said Clegg from his caravan in the gardens of Number 10. “I didn’t know anyone was listening to me, other than that lady who I quoted for painting her fence, some time after April.”
The move means Clegg will be allowed to appear in a series of TV debates. “It’s vital for putting my point across’,” he declared.
“No job too small, references available. White washing a speciality. Should I mention I do removals? How far away is Chipping Norton?”
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Filed under Election 2015, Politics
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