Government worried all NHS staff aren’t yet de-motivated

‘Even this much self-worth strikes at the very heart of Tory policies’

With a recent survey showing some NHS workers aren’t on anti-depressants, Ministers fear they might still be feeling OK about themselves.

“Staff self-esteem is much the same as C. difficile.” said a swivel-eyed Jeremy Hunt yesterday “Not something you really want to find in a hospital but succeptible to vicious, sustained attack nonetheless.”

Although cutting pay might seem an easy way to save money, Hunt believes it will prove difficult for as long as employees insist on thinking they’re worth more. “The key to paring wage bills is keeping staff not only deflated but also a Samaritans call away from actually jumping; or worse, calling in sick.”

“So from tomorrow, on alternate days, I’ll either blame them for something they didn’t do or praise them for being heroes. The resulting confusion will induce in staff – please forgive the medical terminology – what psychologists call ‘feeling shit about myself’. After that, I own the bastards.”