A radical cleric, who’s job is to think so that others don’t have to, has finally thought of something nice to say.
“I’m tweeting like a happy robin, the weather is beautiful today”, wrote extremist Anjem Choudary. “It’s the sort of day that makes you feel glad to be alive, and to contemplate allowing others to remain so.”
Little is known about the cause of Choudary’s uncharacteristic outburst, but there are rumours that he read a syrupy Facebook meme.
“If you can’t think of something nice to say, don’t say anything at all”, he told his followers. “I’m going to say one lovely thing a day for the whole of this week.”
Fox News’s Steve Emerson, Israel’s president Reuven Rivlin and Gogglebox misery Leon were nominated by Choudary to follow his lead. “Come on, just one nice thing every 24 hours, I’m sure you can choke back your hatred long enough to think of something positive”, he insisted.
“Life’s too short to be grumpy, especially if you’re an enemy of Islam.”
Choudary also shared a picture of a kitten in a bin, an article on unfair milk prices and his highest score on Candy Crush Soda Saga.
The White House denied responsibility for hacking his antisocial media accounts. “I think he just decided to be nice”, said a security official. “Although it is out of character that he chose Mohammed as his first ever Facebook profile picture.”