Category Archives: Education

Safety experts warn: ‘never re-use a helicopter’

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‘Like hand grenades, helicopters should only be used once’.

Aviation safety experts have warned passengers and pilots alike of the dangers of using a helicopter more than once.

But Nicola Bentley of the ‘Land Once’ campaign insisted that choppers are perfectly safe, as long as they’re destroyed immediately after their maiden flight.

“Given their enormous expense and technical complexity, some  people might be tempted to get back in a used helicopter and make a return journey”, explained Bentley. “But our advice is ‘don’t’. Helicopters are a lot like matches, condoms or carrier bags in that respect: only a moron would attempt to re-use them.”

Bentley is calling for clearer labeling on helicopters, as well as the removal of temptations such as fuel filler flaps. “Don’t get back in it, for God’s sake don’t refuel it, and don’t ever attempt to switch the big fan back on”, warned Bentley.
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Filed under Education, Technology, Transport

Ofsted inspectors found to be roving pack of baboons

baboons

Ofsted chief inspector Sir Michael Wilshaw in combative mood yesterday

Following reports that many Ofsted inspectors do not have the skills or teaching experience needed to judge schools, is has emerged that what was assumed to be a body of humans is in fact largely made up of a roving pack of baboons, missing from London Zoo for several years.

The problem seems to have started as Ofsted became increasingly reliant on private firms to provide inspectors, with the obvious lack of quality controls that brings.

Motivated purely by profits, the outsourcing companies seem to have employed the cheapest inspectors possible, with the baboons undercutting even the foreign or dead candidates.

Many schools did not notice any difference at first, so low were their expectations of the inspectors, and suspicions only came to light after a recent think tank report mentioned that the majority of inspectors “Lacked teaching experience, and seemed to be covered in fur matted with faeces”. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Education, Nature

“That’s enough experiments to show kids how fast a photo can go round the Internet, now,” says Internet.

Teachers now resorting to extreme methods to show kids how dangerous internet is

Teachers now resorting to extreme methods to show kids how dangerous internet is

The Internet’s patience wore dangerously thin last night as yet another picture of an American 9th grade teacher holding up a sign was wearily shared on social media.

The exercise, supposed to warn teens of the potential risks of posting information and images online, has quickly become a tedious cliché and the Internet warned yesterday that we are close to the snapping point of its benevolence towards well-meaning junior high school teachers.

“OK, the first couple of times it was a fresh way to engage kids, and we all wanted to help them out – I’m sure the share and like numbers were very impressive,” commented a visibly annoyed Internet, “but I swear to god if I see one more of these bullshit copy-cat requests, I’m going to write a bunch of sarcastic comments or do a parody meme with cats. I haven’t thought it through yet, but it will be pithy and cynical,” the Internet added.

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Culture, Education, Sex, spam, Technology

Tragedy narrowly averted as huge sinkhole opens up under Michael Gove

sinkholeGove

Narrow escape for all of us

Locals were celebrating a ‘lucky escape’ this morning as a sinkhole measuring 50 meters deep opened up without warning in High Wycombe, completely swallowing up Michael Gove.

Locals woke up in the village of Walter’s Ash to find the enormous hole had appeared over night. It was not realised that Gove had been visiting the village until one householder noticed his ego just visible over the edge of the huge pit.

“It’s a miracle no damage was done,” said a Buckinghamshire Fire Services spokesman. “I’ve got kids at a local state school, and I can’t stress enough what a lucky escape they’ve had.” Continue reading

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Filed under Education, Politics, Weather

Gove rolls out ‘Teach First’ on-the-job training to Pilots

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Landing gear down. Now where’s that runway?

The Teach First initiative, currently being documented in BBC3′ ‘Tough Young Teachers’, is now offering franchises in other disciplines including Flying Big Airplanes and Open-heart Surgery (beginners). The underpinning principle of Teach First is that top graduates can be fast-tracked into front-line teaching on the back of six weeks training. Michael Gove is a keen supporter of the scheme, reasoning that as his own career was built on a short ‘Teach Yourself Journalism’ correspondence course, learning how to teach children must be a doddle.

“A big advantage of this nice cheap set-up” says Gove “is that Trainees learn just enough to pick up some flashy headline-grabbing tricks – but not quite enough to realise how little they actually know. It’s a very fine line for our Trainers to walk and of course they’ve had lengthy training for their role”. Continue reading

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“Slavery was ace”: Gove on a roll after his re-imagining of WWI

Dolores_Umbridge_(Promo_still_from_HP5_movie)_10-15-2009

We hear Gove we picture Delores Umbridge, it’s like an illness. Does anyone know any centaurs?

Having re-imagined the slaughter of World War One as more fun than bubbles, Education Secretary Michael Gove today set his sights on the slave trade complaining that for years “a liberal elite has portrayed slavery in a negative light criticising Britain’s pre-abolition role in it simply because this country played a significant role in it.” Continue reading

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Filed under Education, News, Politics

Labour announce plans for ‘teacher MOT’ followed by teacher tax and third party insurance

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Labour’s shadow education secretary Tristram Hunt, has announced a Labour government would reintroduce plans for a ‘teacher MOT’ but also go one step further and make it mandatory for them to also pay for and display a tax disc and hold valid insurance.

“The MOT will take place every 5 years and would look at a teacher’s ability to engage a class, their ability to educate children , and an emissions test” Mr Hunt explained.

“Health and Safety officers have also asked us to check the tread depth of their shoes and make sure levels of caffeine are being kept topped up.

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Duke of Cambridge’s ‘free pass’ to study at Cambridge ‘tip of the iceberg’ says local historian

Thick as pig shit? Or time-honoured tradition?

Thick as pig shit? Or time-honoured tradition?

The news that the Duke of Cambridge will spend a term studying a “bespoke” course in agriculture at Cambridge University has prompted a backlash from other students who resent him being given a “free pass” when they had to work so hard to get there.

But this isn’t the first time aristocrats have used their connections to gain entry to namesake seats of learning says Jason Simms, a local author and expert on the education of Britain’s nobility.

“One example that most people will remember was when the 5th Earl of South Bank side-stepped London South Bank University’s entry requirements to do a foundation course in Psychology, but there is in fact a much longer tradition of royals choosing to study at universities that have the same name as them.”

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Filed under Education, Farming, News, Royals, Uncategorized

Police deploy paradoxical kettle as students arrested for protesting about students being arrested at a protest against the arrest of students

This protester was told he would be released as soon as he left the area

This protester was told he would be released as soon as he left the area

Students protesting at the University of London have accused police of kettling them in a logical paradox as a number of students were beaten up and arrested for protesting about students being beaten up and arrested at a protest to highlight the plight of students being beaten up and arrested.

The police tactic of paradoxical kettling has been criticised before. The last time came during student protests opposing tuition fee rises.

On that occasion protesters were subject to paradoxical kettling for not dispersing despite being kettled for non-dispersal from a kettle.

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Filed under Crime, Education, Law and Order, News, Politics

UK falls down world education league tables; great result for Simon Cowell

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Shanghai may have clever kids, but do they have Jedward?

The UK has fallen outside of the top 20 in a world league table of educational standards, a result seen as “positive” by X-Factor creator, Simon Cowell.

“Having an education is one thing, but aiming for a decent career takes away people’s ambition to be famous for five minutes,” Cowell said.
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Filed under Education, Entertainment, International News, News

Student at the ‘University of Life’ to take a gap year

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After 37 years at the University of Life, Jon Sanders from Harold has decided to take a gap year to ‘enlighten his life’ by completing a law course at Dunstable University.

Mr Sanders has been a proud student at the University of Life since leaving school at 14, a fact he talks about with the pride, enthusiasm and smugness of an Oxbridge graduate.

“I was never the ‘academic type’,” Mr Sanders explained, “which would normally lead people towards art college or a media studies degree, but I decided to do all my learning in the real world.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Education, Lifestyle, News

‘School run mums’ teach kids ‘tuck and roll’ exit technique

Jumper

‘Don’t forget your sandwiches…’

School run mums in Harold are teaching their children to exit vehicles at speed, to avoid fines from council stooges with cameras.

Dozens of parents have been fined for parking illegally while dropping their kids off at the local primary school, with photographic evidence being used to make the charges stick in court.

But desperate families who live some 1200 yards away have adopted an alarming new technique, which involves ejecting children at speeds of up to 20 miles an hour.
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Striking teachers’ parents fined for letting them miss school

Following the strike action carried out by many teachers in Harold yesterday, their parents have had the unwelcome news that they are to face a fine for allowing their children to take the day off school.

The fines were introduced as the government look to crack down on absences during term-time that may have an adverse affect on pupils’ education.
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Filed under Education, News

Gove solves primary school places crisis: poor kids to attend houses of work instead

Michael-Gove-looking-odd

Predator: do not let this man near your children

Education Secretary, Michael Gove, has announced that he has solved the current primary school places crisis by arranging for the children of parents who receive any form of state benefit and/or whose income places them in the lowest third of wage-earners in the country to be educated in houses of work instead of schools.

“This new system is of benefit to all,” Gove declared. “Your typical hard-working family – maybe he’s a Cabinet minister and she writes drivel that would shame a baboon for the Daily Mail – will no longer have their beloved children exposed to the kids of people who have failed in life. It is unfair to both sides for everyone to educated together. Rich children shouldn’t be expected to share and poor ones shouldn’t be encouraged to have aspirations.” Continue reading

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Councillor calls for ‘beard ban’ debate

beard

Fun or mentalist?

The council should consider banning young men from wearing beards in public places such as schools, a local councillor has said.

It comes after a sensitive child was alarmed by a particularly bushy farmer, while out walking with the traditional ‘potato’.

Cllr Ron Ronsson suggested action might be needed to protect the freedom of choice for Harold boys, too young to decide for themselves whether they wanted to ‘grow the veil’.

“I think this is a good topic for debate”, said Ronsson, speaking out of his smooth face. “Although we won’t be able to hear what the beardies think because they all mumble.”
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Filed under Education, Fashion, Politics, Religion

Local toddler escapes from nursery because “it is a bit shit”.

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A toddler has caused uproar in Harold after walking out of her nursery and walking 1.2 miles home as “it was a bit shit”.

Speaking on her return, the toddler said: “being surrounded by others that can barely string a sentence together, smell of pee and have a constant chocolate stain around their mouths started to become tedious for me and the other kids, especially as these idiots are supposed to be caring for us”

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Filed under Education, News

‘Back to School’ clothes for Teachers being sold at Ann Summers

See me after the lesson ...

See me after the lesson …

With the end of the summer holidays fast approaching, the traditional ‘Back to School’ range for schoolchildren has been joined in the nation’s shops with a range of clothing for teachers wishing to freshen up their wardrobe for the start of term.

‘The leading stores have done their maths homework and realised that there is a market of 500,000 teachers out there’ said merchandising expert, Danny Foster, ‘so it is no surprise that they have latched on to this market.

Whilst the perennial ‘Geog Teacher’ range, featuring a brown cord jacket and elbow patches, remains a popular classic it has been joined by a number of more exciting, racier items as teachers try to identify with reluctant teenage learners. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News, Sex

Sixth former despairs over lack of sexual harrasment from teachers

It's what he goes to school for

It’s what he goes to school for

Distraught Harold teenager, Simon Delaney has spoken out on the very serious subject of male school pupils being sexually harassed by their female teachers.

“Nothing,” he said glumly. “I’d get more action from teachers if I was at Hogwarts and half the staff there are ****ing ghosts.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Education, Sex

Gove puts state-maintained schools in England on naughty step

A picture of a man who gets sexually aroused thinking about Dotheboys Hall.

A picture of a man who gets sexually aroused thinking about Dotheboys Hall.

Michael Gove yesterday released a new national curriculum which will only be applied to state-maintained schools in England leaving academies, free schools and independent schools to teach whatever they like.

“We are very much being placed on education’s naughty step,” said Alison Lee, headteacher of St Mary’s primary school in Harold. “And held hostage to a curriculum that is rushed, chaotic and reactionary.”

“The Secretary of State for Education is constantly calling for state-maintained schools to be tougher, harder and fiercely competitive. I just wish someone would give us the freedom and the finances to make them better.” Continue reading

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Urgent Appeal: just £5 a month could buy a Guardian journalist a haircut

guardians

Sometimes we pretend not to notice. Other times, we compliment their clothes. But you can’t hide forever from the ugly truth right  in front of you: Guardian journalists are suffering NOW from Shit Hair.

For just £5 a month, a volunteer hairdresser will pick the biggest bits of cake from the thatch of Julie Burchill. £10 could teach Hadley Freeman how to use a comb. For a generous one-off payment of just £30, you could help Alexis Petridis to trim his own hair with an adult pair of scissors, or at least chew it with a less blunt rodent.

Guardian journalists need YOUR HELP, NOW, before they’re mistaken for tramps by their own interns. Perhaps they do it to make a point of not conforming to stereotypes of attractiveness, perhaps it was really windy on The Tube this morning. Perhaps they all just have really short arms.

Whatever the reason, we need to reach our target of £25,000. That could buy enough conditioner to treat Suzanne Moore.

Don’t just stare at your shoes, look them in the eye and tell them a professional can Probably Sort That Out.

Friends of The Scurf. Together, we can beat canker.

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Filed under Education, Medicine, science