Councillor calls for ‘beard ban’ debate

Fun or mentalist?

The council should consider banning young men from wearing beards in public places such as schools, a local councillor has said.

It comes after a sensitive child was alarmed by a particularly bushy farmer, while out walking with the traditional ‘potato’.

Cllr Ron Ronsson suggested action might be needed to protect the freedom of choice for Harold boys, too young to decide for themselves whether they wanted to ‘grow the veil’.

“I think this is a good topic for debate”, said Ronsson, speaking out of his smooth face. “Although we won’t be able to hear what the beardies think because they all mumble.”

The comments come after a fairly radical 12 year-old boy was excluded from school, after he deliberately grew a beard overnight. Tyson Thorvald is accused of trying to convert impressionable peers to fundamentalist bumfluffism, and has denounced girls that are ‘in the clutches of Immac’.

Ronsson claimed he has ‘no problem’ with what people wear facially in the privacy of their homes, but insists a flamboyant beard intimidates those with chins that grow in a bit patchy.

“You can see our children out every lunchtime, going purple with the effort of trying to force out a bit of beard”, Ronsson pointed out. “Some are even dabbling in face hydroponics. It saddens me to read about children in their bedrooms sleeping under a sun lamp, with a big fan on to try and make it more sturdy.”

Many boys and some girls in Harold feel pressured to ‘beard up’ in the local community, even though they’re considered too young to not buy alcohol or quit smoking.

“We should be cautious about imposing hirsute conformity on a society which has always valued freedom of facial expression”, Ronsson went on.

“But when a big lad enters the post office with a chin like a haystack, who’s to say he shouldn’t be forceably shaved?”

The beard issue will be debated at next week’s council meeting, along with a motion to reintroduce the death penalty for folk music. “That’s not racist, it’s just a sensible precaution to protect us all”, said Ronsson. “Although I did notice that most of those opposed were a bunch of Pagan b*****ds.”