Having re-imagined the slaughter of World War One as more fun than bubbles, Education Secretary Michael Gove today set his sights on the slave trade complaining that for years “a liberal elite has portrayed slavery in a negative light criticising Britain’s pre-abolition role in it simply because this country played a significant role in it.”
Gove said he was prompted to speak out following the release of the Golden Globe winning film Twelve Years A Slave which has been a critical smash and spawned many a broadsheet article off the back of its success.
“I will be adjusting the curriculum to give a better and British account of slavery,” Gove told journalists while on a visit to Harold Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold Comprehensive). “The work of left wing so-called historians will be passed over in favour of random posts from strange blogs that support my views which will be given the prominence in the classroom that they deserve.”
“Children will learn to celebrate how many jobs were created by the slave trade. In Africa those who were to become slaves wasted their time on community and quality of life. Happily, once on the other side of the Atlantic they had limitless opportunities to graft and learn the lesson reinforced by this government’s policies to this very day: people have no value apart from that which can be measured in notes and coins.”
As small amounts of froth began to form at the corners of his mouth Gove declared: “From now on children will be taught to drop a letter when learning about slavery. Slavery isn’t about race. Slavery is ace!”
He then screamed “I could have that Tristram Hunt in a fight! I bloody could!” before being led away by aides.