Gove solves primary school places crisis: poor kids to attend houses of work instead

Predator: do not let this man near your children

Education Secretary, Michael Gove, has announced that he has solved the current primary school places crisis by arranging for the children of parents who receive any form of state benefit and/or whose income places them in the lowest third of wage-earners in the country to be educated in houses of work instead of schools.

“This new system is of benefit to all,” Gove declared. “Your typical hard-working family – maybe he’s a Cabinet minister and she writes drivel that would shame a baboon for the Daily Mail – will no longer have their beloved children exposed to the kids of people who have failed in life. It is unfair to both sides for everyone to educated together. Rich children shouldn’t be expected to share and poor ones shouldn’t be encouraged to have aspirations.”

After lengthy consultation with education experts including Wackford Squeers and Thomas Gradgrind and following successful trials in Yorkshire and Coketown, Gove is implementing this new scheme nationwide.

“There will of course be learning on offer at the new houses of work but of a kind that is more suitable for the poor. Pupils will learn how to be cleaners and care assistants and whatever else it is plebs do. Morally they will be taught absolute obedience to the state and that it is better to invest your time in soap operas and hostility rather than ambition and community. We’re calling this our closed hearts and minds policy.”

However some children will be placed neither at a school nor in a house of work.

“The very smallest and narrowest poor kids will be given the compulsory opportunity to enter the workforce as soon as they can hold a brush.” Gove explained with a smile.  “The nation’s chimneys will be cleaner than they have been in a hundred and forty years.”