Category Archives: Business

Fraud suspected as new wind turbine found to be ‘full of AA batteries’

battery wind farm

Supplier insists wind turbine is ‘for novelty use only’

Harold’s green credentials were called into doubt last night, as the controversial village wind turbine finally ran out of puff.

Despite the vast cost of the equipment and 3 years of legal wrangling with local pressure groups, the windmill was only operable for 40 minutes before an engineer had to be called.

Norwegian wind experts Flattus were quickly on the scene and proceeded to remove panels from the lower sections of the tower. But a quick-eyed junior cameraman from the Evening Harold snapped the guts of the equipment, revealing an estimated 40,000 AA batteries being used to power the fan.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Economy, Technology

“Small Firms good, Big Firms bad” bleats Ed

Miliband and I

Miliband assured voters he would buy this place, and have it knocked down.

Wearing a facemask of his less unpopular brother David held on with elastic behind the ears, the other Miliband today unveiled Labour’s economic master-plan to the party conference.

Speaking without notes and unrestricted by any obvious sincerity, Ed Miliband soon had the party faithful at the Brighton Centre buzzing. [Buzzing? Is that the things bees do? Check this before publishing Tricia, it might be droning. Or dozing.]

“Conference, friends, at the very vanguard of our One Notion initiatives is company tax reform. We’ll be shifting the balance of corporation tax so as to ease things for the little guy. You know, the weedy chap who was always picked out for bullying by his more charismatic BUT ULTIMATELY MUCH LESS SUCCESSFUL older brother.”
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Filed under Business, Politics

Postman Pat ‘dismayed’ to be latest cartoon character privatised

20130913-011522.jpg

Postman Pat has spoken of his dismay at being the last children’s TV character to be privatised. This latest selling off of a public owned service has seen residents in Greendale concerned that their friendly local postie may not be allowed to carry out tasks irrelevant to his job of posting letters and delivering parcels in the future.

Speaking from his disproportionate head, Pat said: “I have spent many years helping the local farmer catch his livestock, building tunnels for hedgehogs and saving the village’s kids from all sorts of trouble, all on work’s time.”
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Filed under Business, News, Politics

Sonning Bridge post box to be converted into flats

postbox

Chance to buy recently spoiled piece of history

A post box that appeared on a bridge across the Thames has been sold off to developers for £650k. With river views, a traditional design and easy access to the road just above it, the post box conversion is already the subject of a bidding war.

“When we first saw that there was a piece of social history in Sonning that hadn’t been despoiled yet, we just had to get our cheque book out”, exclaimed builder Jeremy Castle.

“It’s just the sort of impractical, showy design that a twat from London will pay big money for”, explained Castle. “There’s even plenty of space to park a Range Rover, if you gain access through the sunroof and remember to never open the doors.”
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Filed under Business, Economy, Fashion, Lifestyle, News

‘Paedo Packaging’ to tackle teen smokers

cigarette

Could this make smoking less cool?

With research showing that graphic images on cigarette packs don’t deter teens from smoking, a new local initiative hopes to really put the willies up them.

Where pictures of blackened lungs, rotten teeth and tramps with flamboyant throat cancers have failed to take young smokers’ breath away, Harold’s ‘Paedo Packaging’ is already making many youths think twice about what they put in their mouths.

“The government has tried all sorts of initiatives to put kids off their fags”, admitted Cllr Ron Ronsson, who backs the shocking new campaign. “But until now, they haven’t harnessed the influence of celebrities.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Health

Microsoft announces Finland ‘no longer supported’

finland-300x234

C’est Fin.

Following its acquisition of Nokia phones, Microsoft has surprised cartographers by withdrawing all support for Finland.

Famed for its ability to absorb popular things and then fundamentally ruin them, Microsoft has already gained valuable experience in making phones virtually unusable with its Windows 8 operating system.

But while the corporate giant has been happy with only wrecking trivial things such as Skype, video games and social media, it now feels the time is right to bugger up a whole country.

Nokia’s vice-president Stephen Elop moved to the company from Microsoft in 2010, but disappointed the software giant by making their phones slightly better. Unwilling to risk another resurgence of the once-great mobile manufacturer, Microsoft is taking immediate steps to remove all traces of Finland.
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Filed under Business, Economy, Technology

Amateur scientists ‘put dog into orbit’

trebuchet

Team will coax dog back to Earth ‘using liver or biscuits’

Harold has taken its first tentative step in the international space race, as a local team of scientists claim to have put a dog in geostationary orbit.

Just 56 short years after Russia first launched a stray called Laika into space, the resourceful villagers stated they were ‘well on the way’ to setting up a commercial operation to ‘repeatedly and reliably make dogs go far away’.
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Filed under Business, science, Technology, Vikings

Villagers blame fracking for Mothra attacks

fracking moths

Up from the depths, 30 storeys high: Cuadrilla. Cuadrilla. Cuadrilla!

A sharp increase in the number of attacks by an angry, giant moth is being blamed on fracking by locals.

‘Mothra’, a devine kaiju or ‘strange creature’ that normally protects mankind from monsters such as the tyranosaur-like Cuadrilla, was discovered under a field outside Harold last Thursday. Wrenched from the ground in larvae form during a tentative light frack, Mothra was discarded by Cuadrilla after she proved too hard to set fire to.

“My theory is that this creature had been resting just below my potatoes”, explained farmer Evans. “She was probably all content and that, because the bees have come back. But when Cuadrilla drilled through her hidey-hole, she really got the hump. That’s when she went off on one and started beaming stuff with her face.”
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Closure fears for precinct’s ‘Bongo Bongo Land’

bongbongo

Um bongo um bongo, they play them outside Tesco.

Harold’s leading ethnic percussionist has claimed his shop may not survive, following a withering attack by local politician Ron Ronsson.

Bongo Bongo Land has been selling slightly shoddy hand drums since 1993, when they took over the units previously occupied by failed Dawn’s Zulu Xylophones and the adjoining African airline agent, Fly Tse Tse.

With locals keen to add an international flavour to their conservatories and hallways, George Evans’ deer-hided instruments were once the perfect accompaniment to Indonesian face masks, native American dream catchers and ‘Welsh Drums’ made from a bin lid and half a brick.
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Nail that interview! 10 Tips to GUARANTEE that job!

Mr Horse before

Straight from Mr Horse’s mouth

With news that Britain’s economy has surged a teeny, weeny amount, now’s as good a time as any to go and get a job.

With these ten red-hot tips under your skin from former businessman John Horse, that job’s as good as yours. What’s stopping you? Knock that boss dead!
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Lifestyle

Royal Mail postman to pay back £120 from birthday cards

20130803-014617.jpgHarold’s long term postman, Jack Thornley, has announced he is to return £120 he earned last year from Royal Mail customers’ birthday cards.

The figure is a ‘posties bonus’ that is earned on top of their annual salary and is paid to reward employees who take the time to not only shake for coins, but also have the foresight to delve further in to the cards on the hunt for high value paper.

His offer to pay the money back to the intended recipients comes on the back of the decision by Royal Mail chief executive Moya Greene to pay back £120,000 she received towards the cost of a new house. This was on top of her nearly £500,000-a-year salary and other bonuses which all total £1.47m.

“I realise that in times of austerity it is wrong that I should continue to accept the money sent to villagers in birthday cards” Mr Thornley said. “If our chief executive can take moral stance on bonuses she shouldn’t be really have been paid in the first place, then so can I.”

Although the move has been welcomed by the village’s residents, it has been condemned by the Communication Workers Union.

“We have spent many years and numerous strikes trying to uphold our members pay and conditions” a spokesman for the CWU told us.

“The ‘finders keepers’ clause has been around since 1934 and Mr Thornley’s actions are an insult to all those posties that got arrested for theft, fighting for the right to intercept customers’ gifts”

Mr Thornley’s moral crusade will start next week when he will begin redistributing his gains, but he has warned his customers not to expect a lot.

“The total I earned from cards last year was actually £585 and an Ann Summers gift card, but as the cash element of the bonus has already been spent, I shall only be returning the named cheques I couldn’t cash in.”

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Filed under Business, News, Politics

Harold leads on Archbishop’s Credit Union push

lunchy

No such thing as a non-deductable lunch

Villagers are celebrating the first green shoots of a local economic recovery, with Harold’s Save & Prosper (HS&P) being discharged from ‘financial convalescence’ on 1st August, well ahead of poorly managed national money-pits like Lloyds & RBS.

“George Osborne would do well to take a leaf out of Harold’s book”, said Rev Tansy Forster, “we’re even one step ahead of Archbishop Welby on community financing initiatives.”

In line with the Archbishop’s new stance on money lenders suddenly being ‘a good thing’, the Credit Union will make affordable money available to anyone who wants it. “Although in line with a more general church policy, that will exclude women, homosexuals and people who have had credit before”, said Forster.

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Filed under Business, Crime, Economy, Uncategorized

Booker Longlist includes shampoo bottle, Top Trumps card, recipe for mince

scissors

Judges currently favouring single-sided entries

Organisers of the Harold Booker Literary prize have been accused of ‘dumbing down’, after the longlist was revealed to contain nothing thicker than a pamphlet.

With the label from a shampoo bottle being amongst the selected few, some think the list is just a collection of things Ron Ronsson reads while he’s sat on the toilet.

“Not a bit of it”, said Ronsson, clutching a packet of tampons. “All of the entrants are here purely on merit. And with 13 of the buggers to read before August, did you really expect us to squeeze in a novel?”
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Filed under Around Harold, Art, Business, Culture

Village Tesco cashiers beg to be allowed to stop asking customers how they are

If your partner can't be arsed to listen to you, why should she?

If your partner can’t be arsed to listen to you, why should she?

Cashiers at the Harold branch of Tesco Express are begging their manager to put an end to the practise that sees them forced to ask every single customer how they are.

“It’s horrible,” said one shell-shocked worker who asked to remain anonymous. “Everyone knows that when someone behind a till asks you that question you either ignore it or grunt out a one-word answer but not here. I don’t know what’s wrong with everyone, except I do, and in the most harrowing detail.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Business

Goat castrator opens new branch of ‘Wether Spoons’

wether spoon

Wether spoons traditionally used to remove a goat’s plums

A supplier of farmyard castration equipment is opening a ‘Wether Spoons’ in the high street of Harold – but lawyers for a similarly named chain of pubs have complained, claiming they don’t want to be associated with the cutlery used for removing goat testes.

“It’s ridiculous”, claimed Brian Thorvald, a keen amateur castrator. “We sell special sharp spoons that make it easy to whip out a billy-goat’s plums. Once de-balled, the goat is technically known as a ‘wether’, as any fool knows. So what else could you possibly call our business?”

Wether Spoons hopes to launch a whole chain of shops selling sweetbread removers, and this first one will be known as ‘The Moons Under the Bridge’. But Sarah Kildare, a lawyer representing the pub chain, thinks Thorvald is deliberately yanking their chain.
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Filed under Business, Economy

Village celebrates ‘Independence from Tesco Day’

butchers

Heads & Tails butchers promises to ‘make ends meat’

The villagers of Harold have taken to the high street, to celebrate their new-found independence from Tesco. Many spent under 45 minutes finding a parking space and then a business that wasn’t all boarded up.

For decades Harold has lived under the cruel tyranny of Tesco, suffering from a wide range of goods at near-affordable prices. But now a reasonably hygienic butchers has opened up on the High Street, breaking Tesco’s stranglehold on the community’s meat-based desires. Cllr Ron Ronsson spoke for many when he simply could not hold back his delight with this new place to get his chop on.

“I’ve been shopping in Tesco for so long now, I’d forgotten about the high street completely”, said Ronsson. “Then I found this amazing business that just sells meat and things made from the wobbly bits, so I thought ‘why don’t I buy everything from here?'”
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Mixed reactions as A&E bans junk food

Exactly what we all crave in times of stress.

Anyone who claims to crave this in times of stress is a liar and a hound.

There were mixed reactions in Harold yesterday as its nearest A&E unit at Dunstable Royal Infirmary announced that they have banned junk food. All the vending machines have been emptied and unplugged and the coffee shop has been replaced with a concession of Harold café Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!

“We are delighted to be looking after the needs of poor, dear Haroldites who’ve had a mishap,” trilled owner Pippa Delaney. “Now instead of thoughtlessly gorging themselves on sweet tea and crisps as they wait for treatment they can enjoy pickled mustard greens, soy puffs and lovely avocado sushi all washed down with a range of sugar-free fruit cordials.” Continue reading

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Filed under Business, Medicine, News

Flight attendant issues tearful apology for plane delay

Ryanair Girl

Mandi seemed normal just before her apology

A flight attendant today broke down and issued tearful apologies to passengers affected by a five hour delay of a Ryanair flight into Dunstable International Airport.

Mandi Jones, a 23 year old flight attendant from Harold, was overcome with emotion and wailed uncontrollably after realising that the 243 passengers had not only suffered an uncomfortable 4 hour wait in a crowded cold departure lounge, but had also had their onward travel plans disrupted.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Lifestyle, News

Travel agent to start asking about your next haircut

Harold Travel A travel agent in Harold has left customers confused by their new approach to customer services, killing the quiet moments by asking inane questions.

‘The Salon Method’ as it has become known was started by Sally Bun, manager of Harold Travel. “During a recent wash and colour, my hairdresser asked me about my holiday” she explained.

“I told her I was going to Spain. This was the cue for her to spend the next half an hour telling me about how she had been to the same resort. She went there with her best friend and came back with Chlamydia. It was a great way to fill the awkward silence.”
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High Pressure Aromatherapy for Tramps: more chi, less cheese

trampjetsTired of your tramp stinking?  Fed up of the stench of stale urine, Special Brew and BO? Had enough of your local vagabond being surrounded by their own cloud of flies?  Or worse, is your hobo’s aura showing signs of wear and tear? Then Mick Clarkson of Clarkson’s Cars has the answer!!

Following on from the success of his car wash and automated dog grooming businesses, Mick has launched another innovative service: high pressure Aromatherapy for Tramps.

Speaking exclusively to the Evening Harold, Mr Clarkson told us that the inspiration for his new venture came from the annual Trampfest, which sees hundreds of people who are strangers to soap descend upon the village.
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