Nail that interview! 10 Tips to GUARANTEE that job!

Straight from Mr Horse’s mouth

With news that Britain’s economy has surged a teeny, weeny amount, now’s as good a time as any to go and get a job.

With these ten red-hot tips under your skin from former businessman John Horse, that job’s as good as yours. What’s stopping you? Knock that boss dead!

1. A firm handshake is good, but two firm handshakes are better: take both their hands confidently and swing them in a nice, big pattern. But don’t be tempted to show off your confidence too much by wrestling them to the floor: in some cultures, this is considered over-familiar.
2. Companies like someone who can think outside the box, so don’t sit on that chair like a lumpen pudding. Flip it round and straddle it, or simply lay across their desk.
3. “Why did you leave your last job?” is always a tricky one to answer. So insist you haven’t, and pretend to be appalled at the suggestion. Proclaiming you’d die for your current employer and would never dream of leaving will assure the panel that your loyal, highly valued and a little bit mysterious.
4. Flattery can get you anywhere: laugh heartily if the interviewer makes a joke. But what if you can’t tell when they’re joking? Play it safe and just laugh constantly, from the moment you enter the building.
5. Some businesses will offer to show you around, and introduce you to their staff. This can drag on for ages, so always take some sandwiches.
6. Make a point of cleaning your shoes before the interview. If you get asked a difficult question you can offer to compare shoes, and point out that yours are very shiny.
7. No matter what your background, make a point of accusing the interviewer of being racist. Throwing a curveball like this could help you get the psychological upper hand!
8. Is the interviewer boring you? A good employer will only be too pleased to welcome constructive and immediate feedback. Stand up and say ‘STOP! You Are Not Currently Holding My Attention.’
9. A work/life balance is important: always ask to see photos from their most recent Christmas party, and inquire about any known office affairs.
10. When the interview is nearing an end, you’ll invariably be asked if you have any questions. We recommend asking a minimum of 30. Be sure to focus on their disciplinary procedures, and any unusual aspects of their face. Or you could ask if they have a local take-away menu: nutritional awareness is an important business skill.