“Small Firms good, Big Firms bad” bleats Ed

Miliband and I

Miliband assured voters he would buy this place, and have it knocked down.

Wearing a facemask of his less unpopular brother David held on with elastic behind the ears, the other Miliband today unveiled Labour’s economic master-plan to the party conference.

Speaking without notes and unrestricted by any obvious sincerity, Ed Miliband soon had the party faithful at the Brighton Centre buzzing. [Buzzing? Is that the things bees do? Check this before publishing Tricia, it might be droning. Or dozing.]

“Conference, friends, at the very vanguard of our One Notion initiatives is company tax reform. We’ll be shifting the balance of corporation tax so as to ease things for the little guy. You know, the weedy chap who was always picked out for bullying by his more charismatic BUT ULTIMATELY MUCH LESS SUCCESSFUL older brother.”

“It’s a well-known fact that small business is the main driver of growth and our radical plan is therefore to transform all large businesses into small businesses. Making them pay a lot more tax is an important first step in reducing their size.”

“This is a sustainable tax model friends, which is important to me as an environmentalist. Because, you know, once we’ve cut the fat cats down to size they’ll qualify for small business assistance. Meanwhile, with the added competitive advantage this scheme brings the currently small businesses, they’ll have had the opportunity to grow into large companies. When we’ll tax them more heavily. And so on and so on.”

Picking up on criticisms that he has never run a small business, much less a brewery, Miliband said “I think these plans show that umm … I’ll get back to you on that.”

A Labour spokesperson later refuted Tory claims that Miliband’s proposals amounted to a ‘Boardroom Tax’. If it helps Ed get elected then we’d rather call it a ‘Spare Prick Subsidy’.

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