Saving it all for a rainy day.
Language experts have welcomed Philip Hammond’s use of simplified English to explain esoteric financial matters to the general public.
“I struggle to avoid glazing over when economists refer to complex fiscal concepts like ‘contingency fund’,” said literary critic Peter Pentop, “but the idea of putting petrol in the tank before embarking on a car journey suddenly makes everything clear. I guess he’s putting up fuel duty from midnight.”
Bankrupt, both financially and morally.
In a tearful interview with ITN’s Robert Peston, David Cameron has been forced to disclose that he’s not the fabulously wealthy millionaire many of his inner circle believed.
“I feel conned,” said one city banker. “He’s not getting invited round my mansion again.”
Cameron spoke at length about how he was often on the verge of bankruptcy, how the mortgage company lay in wait, ready to repossess his home and sell it cheap at auction to a builder; and how he was forced to sneak down the food banks late at night disguised as a heroin addict and buy his suits from Oxfam.
“Samantha gives me earache every time I go overdrawn,” he said.
This is the first time Cameron has come clean about his true state of poverty. And properly wealthy members of his inner circle are already beginning to distance themselves from him for his hypocrisy.
The future of politics.
Scientists at the Boston Institute for Studies have discovered that human interbreeding with Neanderthals is the most likely cause of the modern condition known as ‘Donald Trump’. Continue reading
Peace on you.
With only 3 days of December gone, violent episodes in offices and shops across the village have begun to soar as Christmas CD repeat plays hit intolerable levels.
Emergency services have reported a jump in the number of stapler based injuries and Dunstable hospital is calling for more blood donors following a spate of viscious paper cuts. Continue reading
Cheek bones to die for.
Marilyn Monroe’s skeleton could be signed by a top modelling agency, if her estate agrees to a couple of ribs being removed.
Once notorious for her hideously three-dimensional body, Marilyn’s latest ‘diet’ has brought her tantalisingly close to being slim enough for modern fashion tastes.
“We wouldn’t have signed her when she was alive, she was just too ‘flesh and bone'”, said fashion mogul Karl Masstasi. “But now she’s all bone, she can easily fit into our dresses. Once we’ve shaved down her pelvis.”
Filed under Fashion, Society
Excuse me while I let this off…
Prime Minister Cameron has sent all MPs back to their homes and constituencies this weekend with clear instructions to examine their own consciences about the exciting prospect of bombing the shit out of Syria.
“It’s diplomatic language,” explained a spokesman for Number Ten. “Most of the male members [of The Commons] haven’t got a clue how to think straight and reason with logic, especially if they try to fit it in while watching Match of the Day.
“Their wives, on the other hand, have very clear views, often expressed in a tone of voice that obviates the need for further discussion, while cooking dinner, sorting the laundry, helping the kids with their homework and planning the Christmas seating arrangements.”
“Hopefully,” he concluded, “they’ll all come back here on Monday morning, eager to toe the line, or risk hanging their members [their penises] out to dry for the foreseeable future.”
Caliphate of Ultra Nationalist Terrorists in Syria
David Cameron is expected to table an urgent commons vote this week to decide the next name to give to the terror group, formally known as ISIL.
The terrorist organization has undergone a series of radical name changes over the last 3 years as their PR machine struggles to find a universally acceptable brand. Continue reading
Pooh – what’s that smell?
As staff at London’s Hunterian museum prepare to exhibit the skull of the original Pooh bear, other museums have begun trawling through their store rooms for similar grisly treasures.
27 of your one a week.
Public health charities are up in arms following Domino’s launch of the ‘pizza smoothie’.
The drink, which consists of three slices of pizza blended with ice-cream and a banana, is being touted as a ‘healthy breakfast’ by the firm, despite containing more than 5,000 calories.
The smoothie is the latest escalation in pizza technology. Dr Oswald Gruber, chief cheese dynamicist for Pizza Hut, started the process when he invented a high pressure cheese lance, capable of forcing super-heated Monterey Jack into any crevice. The ‘cheese-stuffed crust’ was born, closely followed by the Rennie topping.
Filed under Food, News, Society
Local killjoys, who couldn’t stand the sound of children playing next door, now face a fine for installing a device that, when activated, sent the youngsters scampering back to the safety of their computer screens.
Mr and Mrs Green read about anti-loitering equipment online, and decided to fashion their own to counter the sounds of joyful enthusiasm coming from next door’s garden.
“I don’t mind children” said Mr Green, “but they should be seen and not heard. It got so bad that we couldn’t sit out in the garden without hearing them laugh or politely ask their mum if they could help with anything.”
Filed under News, Society
The second symbol is wildly optimistic.
Members of ISIS have been freely communicating with each other, using an obsolete network known as ‘Google+’.
The terrorists resorted to the awkward means of communication, to avoid detection by US authorities.
“It was completely under our radar”, said the CIA’s Chuck Brady. “The fact it isn’t encrypted in the slightest really threw us a curveball.”
The recall will involve a new electronic component and a bucket of water.
Following a recall to fix unwanted fires, Metropolitan police have apologised for leaving Vauxhall Zafiras near protesters.
Vauxhall are recalling 22,000 of their cars to stop them bursting into flames, a fault that has already made anti-capitalist protesters in London appear more ‘bad-ass’.
“It’s completely unacceptable for the police to ‘petrol bomb’ us in this way”, said Anonymous supporter Brian Halls. “Although the recall also affects diesel models.”
‘I’m going to write to Watchdog, blah, blah, blahdy blah….’
Breaking with years of well established tradition Mrs Fiona Warburton of Harold managed to complain to EDF about the accuracy of her energy bills without once mentioning her elderly mother’s advanced Alzheimer’s or her daughter’s terminal leukaemia. Continue reading
Pagans welcomed the stones, which they will use for ritual purposes.
A prayer room in Harold has undergone a 350 metric tonne refit, to make it more suitable for pagans.
The 6-ft by 8-ft room now features a full-scale druidic stone circle, complete with a folding cairn, to accomodate Picts.
Nigel Thorvald welcomed the move, despite the eye-watering cost. “One shouldn’t put a price on appeasing Our Goddess”, he insisted.
Other workers have complained that the ‘impossibly cramped’ prayer room is now unsuitable for their interests. The sheer volume of beef waste has been a sticking point for some.
Free at last.
Grateful Syrians have spoken of their relief that so many friendly bombs are now blasting them towards peace.
“A few weeks ago, Assad was bombing us from the air and ISIL was shooting us on the ground”, said local resident Haja Zanubiya.
“But now it is the Russians and Americans bombing us, and the Iranians cutting us down with their bullets. It’s such a blessed relief, I’m not sure who to thank first.”
Zanubiya described how her husband, two of her children and most of the local neighbourhood were liberated yesterday by a laser-guided missile that freed a school and most of the nearby bakery.
Enough room to swing a vacuum-packed cat.
London’s rental crisis could be eased, by compressing tenants into tiny bags.
That’s the claim of North Face, the popular survival brand behind a new sack that allows up to 15 people to squeeze into even the smallest stairwell.
Made from a breathable fabric that leaves occupants comfortable even if they soil themselves in the night, the highly sought-after device is already sold out in most desirable postcodes.
Originally designed to make sleeping bags small so they can be carried by scouts and ramblers, engineers discovered they could compress an average-sized human by making the straps just a little thicker.
Who do you think you’re kidding?
European leaders have expressed their relief as hundreds of thousands of foreign migrants began the long trip south to their winter asylum seeking quarters. Continue reading
The pig at the centre of the David Cameron scandal has broken her silence in an exclusive kiss and squeal interview.
Under the alias ‘Margaret’ she said that she wanted to get things straight, “Something Mr Cameron had no trouble doing in his student days”.