“Ice and slice? Or would you prefer a proper anaesthetic?”
Health minister Jeremy Hunt has pledged to tackle ‘cheap booze’, by opening high-end cocktail bars in NHS waiting rooms.
“Cheap alcohol is the bane of our accident and emergency services”, said Hunt. “So we’re going to try and upsell patients to the decent stuff.”
With waiting rooms seen as something of a captive audience, Hunt believes a choice of craft lagers and artisan gins could see hospitals finally turn a profit.
Cigarettes are perfect with strong lager.
All of the nicotine and none of the water vapour! Also with added carcinogens and tar. With as few as ten cigarettes a day, you could be free from your e-cigarette in under a week! from as little as £5 per day!
Why not start today? With just a little bit of effort, you’ll soon be smoking like an old pro!*
*’Old’ in this context is anything over 56.
Filed under Uncategorized
Not a good boy
Councillor Ron Ronnson was at Dunstable Infirmary for longer than expected due to complications following a routine hip operation, and Ben’s absence was particularly glaring as Ronnson had multiple visits from wife Julie, his teenage children, and cat Tiggy. Ronnson’s children even waited for over 30 minutes each visit before asking for money.
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Filed under Around Harold, Pets
Paul Dacre: sweaty palms
Punishment for sins we all committed in a past life and alleged source of news, the Daily Mail, has admitted that Isis gets them a little bit sweaty.
“It’s the way they keep doing entirely unspeakable things to people and filming it that I find so fascinating,” said editor, Paul Dacre. “We then publish images from those films, with the worst details ever-so-slightly blurred, and harrumph about how evil it is. Then we do it again and again and again. Simples.” Continue reading
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Filed under Media
Would anyone else be happier to find a kitten in there?
Local scientists Dr John Goody and Dr Rachel Guest are being hailed as heroes today having successfully reinvented the jumble giblets so they’re now much more pleasing.
“It’s not just the penis,” Dr Guest explained. “Although that took the most time, using DNA manipulation we’ve reinvented the whole collection of objects so they now have greatly improved functionality and a far more pleasing design. No longer will male genitalia look like something you’d hit with your spade or cover up with your bucket out of fear if you found them while rock-pooling at the beach.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold
If I can’t see them they can’t see me, right?
“We realise Ed has never run anything more complex than a bath” said a Labour press officer today “so we’re guaranteeing to put him on a day-release scheme to learn the basics. ”
“Assuming UK voters are stupid enough to overlook that he was one our last load of wankers.”
“Like challenging the energy companies when you’re actually in power, say as an energy minister? Not like last time, when you were err … an energy mister Ed? Like saying ‘Grrr’ to Rupert Murdoch when you’re in Downing Street? Not like the last time, when you had to join a long queue of Labour colleagues to kiss his ring Ed?” asked everyone else.
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Filed under Apprenticeships, Election 2015, Politics
“Hungry and homeless, please help”
Theresa May has confirmed this morning that skunks are being kicked out of UK zoos to combat drug use.
“Science has shown that skunk cannabis can have a serious impact on mental health,” said the Home Secretary, as she waved a report that she wouldn’t let anyone else look at properly. “Science! So we’re tackling this problem head on by removing skunks from public view and as a further precaution to address the use of other types of cannabis we’re outlawing corned beef hash plus any vegetarian alternatives bearing the hash name.” Continue reading
We don’t know who created this Lego Islamic extremist but our hat is off to them
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of Isis, has said that his end goal is a global Caliphate consisting of himself.
“Once I’ve excluded/killed women, everyone who’s LGBT, Jews, non-believers, anyone who looks at me funny, Jews again just to make sure, and all those who refuse to acknowledge that Christopher Eccelstone was the best Doctor Who there aren’t many people left,” he said in a statement released today. Continue reading
Boris acquired his mad throwing skillz hurling food and plates around restaurants during his Buillingdon Club days
Boris Johnson is ditching his buffoonish persona and changing his image from the love child of the late Sir Patrick Moore and a long-haired guinea pig with a brain injury to that of a normalish human being in a bid to become PM.
“Voters will see a huge difference,” the London Mayor told journalists. “I had a lot of fun pretending to be an idiot who couldn’t keep a thought in his head or his dick in his pants but now it’s time to show that I can lead this country.” Continue reading
People in fat houses shouldn’t throw lard, Dave.
David Cameron has announced the next step in his war against people who aren’t him by saying that the obese, alcoholics and drug addicts will face benefit sanctions if they don’t get better and get working.
“It is not fair to ask hardworking taxpayers to fund the benefits of people who refuse to accept the support and treatment that could help them get back to a life of work,” the Prime Minister said. “While it’s perfectly fair to force hardworking taxpayers to bail out banks and my friends in the City because massively high-stakes gambling with money that isn’t yours is an addiction that we Tories cherish and support one hundred per cent.” Continue reading
Do you mind if I make a sandwich?
With a much-anticipated film about sexy times about to be released in cinemas, the Evening Harold presents a list of phrases to avoid in the bedroom
‘This would be better with swans’
‘Ooh, you make me want to perform a vile sex act’
‘do it, or I will muck you’
‘phew! This is tiring’
‘Now then, now then, guys and gals’
‘Your sister wasn’t this good’
‘I can’t tie knots, so is it OK if I just paralyse you?’
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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment
An ITV weather forecaster on ITV
BBC news update latest:
Fred Talbot, the former ITV weatherman, has been convicted of historic sex offences, committed when he was a teacher, some time before he worked for ITV as an ITV weatherman. For ITV. Not the BBC.
ITV has yet to comment on the conviction of predatory sex offender Fred something-or-other, who worked for ITV on the popular ITV morning show ‘This Morning’ aired daily on ITV at a time when young children might have been watching ITV unsupervised.
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Filed under breaking news, Crime, Weather
No more mister green guy
Following suggestions that the next Spider-Man should be played by a black actor, popular demand is growing for Marvel to break another tradition and finally allow the Hulk to be played by a non-green performer.
The Hulk has always been depicted as green in movies, the TV show and the original comics, but that may change in the new era of superhero correctness.
“Surely it’s time to bring the Hulk into the 21st century and admit that the colour of his skin is irrelevant,” insisted Albert Renfrew from the National Association for the Advancement of White People. “The Hulk is a great character, we love him, but we think he could just as well be a ‘person of white’.”
“Here in the NAAWP we have nothing against greens, but they are already hugely over-represented in the film industry. Just look at the Muppet movies.” Continue reading
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Filed under Movies
Iain Duncan Smith has finally lost the plot this week and added a ‘f*ck it, have the company’ clause to his policy of giving away houses to people that stay in work for a year.
The clause will see anyone that remains in employment for one year get a house and full ownership the company that employed them.
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Rooney is on a roll.
Sir Richard Branson has stolen a lead on media rivals, after securing exclusive rights to the footballers’ leavings.
“Laying a cable is something our firm was founded on”, said Branson. “We promise our viewers they’ll see every juddering headshaker, every sweating push, and all in slow motions.”
With watching actual football now deemed way beyond even a billionaire’s pockets, Branson admitted he himself could no longer afford to watch The Beautiful Game.
“Rather than settle for rights to the likes of Hartlepool United or any of the other ‘bottom’ clubs, we’ve thought ‘outside the box’and secured exclusive footage straight from the tunnel.”
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UKIP have defended their decision to launch an election campaign using a bus shaped like a giant male organ.
The bus, a 45-foot long purple monster complete with helmet and sagging scrotal sack, was launched at a rally in Clacton, and attracted even greater than usual derision on social media.
Elsie Renfrew, 42, almost fainted at the sight of the bus looming down on her in the high street.
“How they thought that could help them win votes is a mystery,” she told journalists. “It was horrible, that giant sickly bell-end leering up at me. I told him, Mr Farage, your bus is rubbish.”
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Filed under Election 2015, Sex
“My nan had one every day and she lived to the grand age of 39”
Warnings that the legendary Scottish delicacy, the deep fried mars bar, was unhealthy were based on flawed evidence and should not have been issued, scientists have said.
An article in the BMJ’s Open Heart journal asserts that advice adopted by authorities in the 1980s was politically motivated and was aimed at stamping out ethnic foods at a time when Scottish nationalism was on the rise.
Off to kick down the door of an elderly church warden who subscribes to Private Eye
PC Flegg has been going around the village taking the details of our readers. Haroldites are being asked to provide her with their names and addresses and information such as whether or not they’ve got a copy of Charlie Hebdo in the house and if they’ve ever watched Charlie Brooker’s Weekly Wipe.
“Counter terrorism!” PC Flegg yelled when we cautiously approached her. “Following recent incidents I’m assessing community tensions and providing reassurance.” Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, News
preaching about the love of money on Sundays and Monday to Friday
David Cameron has defended former Trade Minister Lord Green, who’s behaviour as a boss at ‘The world’s local money laundry’ has been criticised simply because HSBC as a whole were a bunch of corporate chumps.
“Look, Stephen Green only came aboard after a full integrity-vetting from Andy [Coulson]. Then I gave him a fancy title, so he didn’t have to go through all that tiresome ‘being elected’ nonsense. And a job helping businesses to earn money we didn’t have because his previous company helped people to hide money from HMRC. Do I mean HMRC? Or is that HSBC? Oh well.”
The Prime Minister went on “Thieving bastards? No, not at all. And thieving is such a subjective term don’t you think?.”
Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.
George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, charity, Election 2015, Election 2015, Health, Housing, Lifestyle, Medicine, Politics, Society, Troubled Families, Uncategorized
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