50 Shades of wrong


Do you mind if I make a sandwich?

With a much-anticipated film about sexy times about to be released in cinemas, the Evening Harold presents a list of phrases to avoid in the bedroom

‘This would be better with swans’

‘Ooh, you make me want to perform a vile sex act’

‘do it, or I will muck you’

‘phew! This is tiring’

‘Now then, now then, guys and gals’

‘Your sister wasn’t this good’

‘I can’t tie knots, so is it OK if I just paralyse you?’

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you’

‘Your dad wasn’t this good’

‘Did you remember to put the dishwasher on?’

OK I’m impressed but can you cut out the drum roll every time you do that?’

‘Is this your badger?’

Latex paint? I’m sure you said ‘Artex’. Hang on luv, I’ll just get a rag and some thinners’

‘No, no. The taser isn’t for you. If you can just…aim it…right…there…’

‘Wear the Ed Miliband mask I bought you’

‘When you said ‘Let’s fist bump’, I didn’t think you meant that’

‘No, Mister Bond. I expect you to die’

‘Wow you are good at foreplay! The video has 237 likes already’

‘So how come you’re known as cat woman? Oh …I’ve just seen the litter tray in the en-suite’

‘When you said you were a ‘squirter’ I didn’t expect it to be so…brown’

‘Are you into M&S? It’s where I’m a bit frumpy and boring but I charge too much for it’

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