Police seek details of Evening Harold readers

Off to kick down the door of an elderly church warden who subscribes to Private Eye

PC Flegg has been going around the village taking the details of our readers. Haroldites are being asked to provide her with their names and addresses and information such as whether or not they’ve got a copy of Charlie Hebdo in the house and if they’ve ever watched Charlie Brooker’s Weekly Wipe.

“Counter terrorism!” PC Flegg yelled when we cautiously approached her. “Following recent incidents I’m assessing community tensions and providing reassurance.”

On being asked which community she’d been told to reassure she told us to bugger off and reminded us that she has a taser and the legal authority to use it whenever she feels threatened.

“Counter terrorism!” yelled Chief Constable Emma Pascal, head of Dunstable & Harold Police Force, when we asked her what was going on. “Finding out who’s reading what is vital police work that’s taking place across the entire country. In fact we’re so busy with it there’s no one spare to look into crimes in the financial sector, or Westminster paedophile rings, or corruption by judges or anything else at all.”

We asked her to consider the irony of police officers investigating people because they bought a copy of a magazine celebrating the freedom of the press in the wake of a murderous terrorist attack by those who would silence us all but she declined saying that if we didn’t stop talking she’d do us for being doubleplus ungood and crimethink.