Virgin Media win rights to Premier League bowel movements

money roll

Rooney is on a roll.

Sir Richard Branson has stolen a lead on media rivals, after securing exclusive rights to the footballers’ leavings.

“Laying a cable is something our firm was founded on”, said Branson. “We promise our viewers they’ll see every juddering headshaker, every sweating push, and all in slow motions.”

With watching actual football now deemed way beyond even a billionaire’s pockets, Branson admitted he himself could no longer afford to watch The Beautiful Game.

“Rather than settle for rights to the likes of Hartlepool United or any of the other ‘bottom’ clubs, we’ve thought ‘outside the box’and secured exclusive footage straight from the tunnel.”

While some viewers complained that the offerings were literally a complete load of sh*t, Branson pointed out that Top Gear was still very popular.

“Fans can get up close to their heroes, and see where their money’s spent”, Branson revealed. “Look! There’s a gold-plated swan feather sticking out of Wilfried Bony’s latest pass!”

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