Category Archives: Uncategorized

Thousands of users have flocked to the new way of connecting with friends and new people. Dubbed the ‘anti-facebook’, the new place is simply called ‘the pub’.

“At the moment there is a wait to get in,” one keen first time user outside the Squirrel Lickers Arms told us, “but the landlord said we would be invited in at 11am, when they open.

“I’ve heard that if your friends are at the pub at the same time as you you can see them as you talk to them, a bit like Skype or Facetime, but in HD. I think that’s why I have been warned to keep my clothes on when I’m there.”
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The FA, the Premier League and human rights group Liberty have all agreed that Manchester United should be put down on humanitarian grounds.

The decision comes after they lost 5-3 to Leicester City, a result most commentators agreed could not have happened without a considerable amount of pain.

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George Osbear and Ted Balls entering the meeting

There have been clashes on Harold’s High Street this afternoon between protesters and police following a demonstration against a meeting of the influential Build-A-Bear group.

The group of powerful teddy bears meet to discus world policy, economics and the best way to stuff the lesser bears. Last year’s meeting agreed that current governments would stuff their bears with as much shit as possible instead of the standard woollen material.  Continue reading →

“Some of my best friends are black Romanian gays” say Farage, trying to convince himself

Nigel Farage has hit the headlines again today after it was revealed his ‘black Romanian homosexual’ friend, used to prove he was not racist or homophobic, was actually Nick Griffin in disguise.

“I thought it would be useful to be able to pull the old ‘some of my best friends are black Romanian homosexuals’ card to stop people calling me a bigot” Farage explained.

“Sadly, the gene pool of my associates is as diverse as the bricks in the Berlin Wall, so my only option was to employ someone.” Continue reading →

Happiest with a rod in his hand

Following WW2 codebreaker Alan Turing’s long-awaited royal pardon, Russian President Vladimir Putin has immediately issued a warrant for his arrest.

Computer pioneer Turing was convicted for homosexuality in 1952, and was punished by being chemically castrated. Although Gordon Brown issued an official apology in 2009, calling Turing’s treatment ‘appalling’, it has taken until now for a full pardon to be issued.

On hearing the news, Putin convened a hasty press conference where he announced that Russian police were already watching the borders to prevent Turing from coming to their country and ‘spreading the gayness’. ‘Russia has no homosexuals,’ he revealed, ‘Not one. And we’re not going to start now. If he comes here, I’ll have him.’

When it was pointed out that Turing died in 1954 from cyanide poisoning, Putin was unrepentant, insisting: ‘That’s just the sort of trick these gayers will try. Well, we’re not going to fall for it – you won’t catch me with my trousers down.’

Most countries now look back in shame at how they used to treat homosexuals, but under Putin Russia has developed the sort of rabid homophobia usually only associated with those trying desperately to hide something very very deep. Many have asked why Russia should be so anxious to be seen to be anti-gay, but no-one has managed to work out the President’s motives for this hard line.

Putin, known for his unusual hobbies such as naked bear wrestling, is a black belt in Judo and frequently spends whole evenings taking on all comers on the mat, tossing an endless stream of men over his shaved head.