Manchester United to be put down on humanitarian grounds

The FA, the Premier League and human rights group Liberty have all agreed that Manchester United should be put down on humanitarian grounds.

The decision comes after they lost 5-3 to Leicester City, a result most commentators agreed could not have happened without a considerable amount of pain.

“There comes a point when the kindest thing to do is to let go,” Premier League CEO Richard Scudamore explained. “Like any much-loved pet they have brought the Premier League many happy years, but they haven’t been the same losing Alex Ferguson.

“And this season it seems they are also struggling to come to terms with the loss of their closest friend, referee Howard Webb. It may be funny watching other referees awarding two penalties against them, but there is a fine line between being a laughing stock and being beyond any meaningful help.

“We feel that line has been crossed so the kindest thing to would be to let Manchester United go so we can remember them as they were and not as this defenceless injured animal they are now. And as the five Leicester goals prove, you don’t get more defenceless as United”

The FA revealed they will personally escort the club to Switzerland to the Dignitas clinic, after three previous attempts failed.

“On each try we informed them of the plans but they never turned up. It turns out they struggled to get to Europe.”

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