Category Archives: Politics

New urban horror: you’re never more than three metres away from a UKIP supporter

Warning: one of these creatures can crawl up the u-bend and out of your toilet.

Warning: one of these creatures can crawl up the pipes and emerge from your toilet

A new horror to urban living has emerged following the local election results with scientists calculating that those in built-up areas are never more than three metres from a UKIP supporter.

Residents in Harold’s most populous area, which is lived in almost exclusively by Vikings and locally known as Little Copenhagen,  are terrified.

”I was always worried about being in close proximity to rats,’ said blacksmith Nigel Thorvald. ‘And of course spiders. Did you know in your lifetime you swallow between eight and twenty spiders while you’re sleeping plus at least three a year crawl across your face to drink from your eyeballs?” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

First time buyers flock to village with an ‘interest only’ in repossessed properties

Harold for saleThe village of Harold has seen a large rise in the amount of interest from first time buyers as a result of the latest financial ticking time bomb. The village has more interest only mortgages than anywhere else in the UK. The concern is that people will have not saved enough money to pay the final lump sum, leading to repossessions and cheap properties going to auction.

One hopeful home-owner explained “from what I have heard the whole village will be up for sale at this rate. I’ve got my eye on a nice three bedroom property at the moment, but I’ve heard rumours even the church could be up for grabs.”
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Filed under Business, News, Politics, Uncategorized

Records smashed ‘in a bad way’ as local election turnout hits an all-time low

Polling_Station_2008Records were broken at the local parish elections yesterday when it was revealed that the turnout of just five votes was 50% lower than the previous record low.

At a press conference, attended exclusively by the Evening Harold, Mayor Rufus D Jackson conceded that the polls were nothing to be proud of: “This is an historic day for our community but in a bad way. The fact that each of the candidates received just one vote each is not good, but at least I’ve retained office so it’s not all bad. It sustains my faith in democracy.”

Jackson admitted that it appeared that only the five candidates actually voted: “We will have to look into this of course,” adding “Questions will be asked in the Jackson household as to why I only received one vote.” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Sadness as villagers receive benefits on prepaid cards

You want coins? You can’t handle the coins.

There was sadness and confusion in Harold as it became one of the first villages to trial the government’s new scheme of loading benefits onto a pre-paid card rather than paying them into bank or post office accounts. The cards are engineered to prohibit the buying of many items from alcohol to pet food to anything over a certain value.

“It’s horrible,” said Mark Keen, a full-time support worker at Piebald House. “The card makes me second-class. I work and pay taxes now there’s this Big Brothered thing that wont let me buy stuff. It’s humiliating plus The Squirrel Lickers is unbearable now. Can’t buy a pint and people with cash get to control the jukebox. Last time I was in Dominic Delaney kept putting James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful on and no one had a coin to break the flow.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

UKIP clown blames car breakdown on failure to register for election

clown

Koko – the UKIP Candidate

Dave Koko, UKIP’s representative in the village council contest has admitted that a comedy of errors has resulted in his failing to register for this Thursday’s election.

Part time fireman, Koko, 35, who has been a UKIP member for five years, was previously a member of the Monster Raving Loony Party but he was excluded for being too extreme.

Wearing his trademark UKIP outfit complete with red nose and size 19 shoes, Koko blamed his car for his not making the deadline for filing his election papers. ‘My car is always breaking down,’ he sighed. ‘First it stops moving so I get out and open the bonnet. Then water spurts into my face, so I kick the car in retaliation. Then the doors fall off and the tyres go flat. Finally the bumpers crash to the ground and the car gives out a loud fart. It’s getting beyond a joke!’ Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Reduced prison privileges sees Chris Huhne appeal for early release and a return to Westminster

Chris Huhne seeks return to public 'funded' life

Chris Huhne seeks return to public ‘funded’ life

Chris Grayling has announced reforms to prison privalidges that will see prisoners having to earn the right to Sky TV, full access to their money, and viewig DVDs rates 18.

This has seen disgraced ex-MP Chris Huhne appeal for early release to try and become a parliamentarian again.

“Being here is like being a member of parliament” Mr Huhne told us in his new found truthful manner.

“Accommodation, Sky subscription and free porn all funded by the tax payer make things quite pleasant and homely. But now we may have to actually work for those rights, I have no other option than to return Westminster.”
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Filed under Crime, News, Politics, Uncategorized

Burglar rejects judge’s plan to send him to prison.

burglar copyA Harold man who was sentenced to 6 years in prison after being found guilty of 18 counts of burglary has rejected the judge’s plan and suggested an alternative proposal “in the spirit of the judge’s recommendation” that doesn’t involve him going to prison.

Paul David broke into houses in Harold and Felching over a period of three months and stole thousands of pounds worth of valuables, but he insists that prison is not the answer as it could set a dangerous precedent in restricting his freedom.

“What I am proposing instead is an independent regulatory body, made up mostly of members of my family, with the power to review any incidents they feel are inappropriate and make recommendations as to my future conduct.” said Mr David,
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Filed under Crime, News, Politics

Singing in playground banned as Minister says culture must be presented as a commodity

Shhhh!

Shhhh!

St Mary’s Church of England Primary School in Harold has banned its pupils from singing in the playground following a speech by Culture Secretary Maria Miller in which she said that culture must be presented as a commodity. The headteacher of St Mary’s, Alison Lee, said that she is confident other schools will make the same decision.

‘Maria Miller said that “when times are tough and money is tight, our focus must be on culture’s economic impact” and once we as a staff team team had considered the monetary value of pupils singing and putting on little dance shows shows in the playground just for fun then it became clear that this was something that we had to put a stop to.’ Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Britain needs less protection from people like me, says Liam Fox

mr_fox

More public money, with eggs on top!

Disgraced omni-dubious former Secretary of State for Defence Liam Fox has called for a return to days of Thatcherite values when more casual regulation meant people like him could stick their sweaty noses into the trough unopposed.

Fox, seen as a standard-bearer of the Tory right, will call for the party to fight the next general election on a radical platform of tax cuts, privatisation and deregulation from people like himself, who spunk public money on their old mates who live with them in rent-free orgiastic luxury.

“What this country needs to get back on its feet is a total absence of regulations preventing Ministers from giving Britain’s money to old male chums, when said chums have no government role whatsoever,” Fox explained. “Old being a relative term of course, for close buddies who are 17 years younger than oneself, and enjoy sharing a pig’s trotter stuffed with lark’s vomit. The very real risk that such behaviour could have almost landed one with a custodial sentence is acting as a brake on investment, and could significantly impact my retirement plans.”

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Filed under Crime, Dating, Golden Showers, Politics

Theresa May backs down over Jordan’s assurances

Human rights would be abused if he was sent to Jordan's

Human rights would be abused if he was sent to Jordan’s

Theresa May has had to perform another government u-turn over the planned deportation of Abu Qatada. Following the announcement that there were fresh assurances over his treatment by Jordan, she has since had to admit that Katie Price was not in the best position to judge such things.

“I tried to get some reassurances from the country but turned up to the meeting a day late so I asked Ms Price. She said that his safety would be guaranteed with her, as long as he was willing to make a television show about it.”
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Filed under News, Politics

Deputy PM named in apparition mystery

cleggyweggywoo

Villagers this morning breathed a sigh of relief as the mystery of The Ghost of Harold was solved. For some months The Lodge, one of the most substantial properties in Harold, had been the suspected site of frequent supernatural occurences.

‘It was most disconcerting.’ near neighbour Marjorie Houndstooth told the Evening Harold. ‘Lights would go on and off and the recycling bins would be put out but no one was ever seen.’

‘I used to walk the dog past there every evening but in the end I changed route because it was getting too spooky,’ said local barber Geoff Taylor. ‘One night I swear I heard a voice whispering hello and Sweeney started wagging his tail like he does when someone’s making a fuss of him, the daft old thing, but there was no bugger there.’
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Royal College of Administrators complain members ‘drowning in nursing’

Stethoscope-2 copyThe Royal College of Administrators has come out to today and asked for a review into the amount of nursing its members are currently having to perform.

Off its 1.2 million NHS workers surveyed, 67.4% said they spend up to 22 hours a week giving basic first aid, post-operative care, and working in triage

Most of those surveyed also believe the amount of nursing they are expected to do is increasing and stopping them providing a decent level of administrative support.

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Filed under News, Politics, Uncategorized

Evil dictatorship welcomed by Bahrain

f1 copyThere has been protests throughout Bahrain this week at the decision to allow a fierce and brutal dictatorship come and stage a race in the country. The FIA, Formula 1’s governing body, has been accused of ruling with an iron fist to create an environment of fear up and down the paddock.

The ruling parties main opposition, the Formula One Teams Association (FOTA), have been involved in a long battle to try to install democracy into the sport, but have suffered casualties along the way, with Eddie Jordan now being ritually humiliated on television as punishment for past signs of dissent.

Click here to get to the finishing line…

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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Sport

Does anyone dare speak of ‘Best Kept Secret Village’ competition?

IMG_20130415_214152

Some npower salesmen still getting through

Harold is rumoured to be firm favourite in this year’s ‘best kept secret village’ competition, despite a handful of residents still leaving their lights on at night.

The contest, a national game of ‘hide and seek’ for beauty spots, was first brought to the attention of Harold by a travelling salesman.

“He just happened to have 300 hectares of black-out canvas for sale, and a rusty old transit, to take away all our sign posts”, revealed Cllr Ron Ronsson.

“He expressed his surprise at how easy it was to stumble upon our place, and bet me £20 we couldn’t make ourselves scarce. I wasn’t having that, so I diverted the whole of our tourist information budget to his Western Union account. But as  he explained, that’ll probably help us stay hidden.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Anti-Thatcher protesters get their own ‘red button’ coverage

Interactive protest only on the BBC

Interactive protest only on the BBC

With arguments raging over the impartiality of the BBC since the death of Baroness Thatcher, ‘Auntie’ has decided to make the coverage of the funeral interactive, with a protest ‘red button’ feature.

Those who hold fond views of Thatcher will still get the favourable coverage on the main BBC1 channel. However those looking to show their dislike for her can protest from the comfort of their own home.

“Pressing the red button will give you access to ‘protest cam’”, BBC1 controller Danny Cohen told reporters. “This is a dedicated view from the service, but facing the other way. We can guarantee you can sit through over three hours of coverage, without seeing a bloody thing.” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, Uncategorized

Entrepreneur takes Nestlé’s lead with plans to bottle air

Atmos-fear. Made by nature, bottled in Harold

Atmos-fear. Made by nature, bottled in Harold

With the revelation by the Nestlé chairman, Peter Brabeck, that the world’s problems could be solved by the privatisation of water, a local bottled gas company has announced their plans to bottle all of the breathable air and sell it back to the residents of the world for a small profit.

“With air being a natural resource, like water, coal and oil, one day it will become sparse” the entrepreneur, Fred Dilby told us. “but if we can control it in the very best spirit of capitalism, then one day the village of Harold could become as powerful as Russia”.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Nick Clegg claims that Margaret Thatcher would have been a Clegger

cleggy2
Nick Clegg has caused wide-spread offence by leaving a message in the visitors book at the Margaret Thatcher museum that has left many people slack-jawed with disbelief.

Simply known as Margaret Thatcher’s House, the former prime minister’s childhood home above her father’s grocery shop in Grantham, Lincolnshire has been preserved as a museum since November 1990 with many visitors left hushed and awed by its unique atmosphere of ruthlessness and scorn. Nick Clegg and his entourage spent over an hour touring it before he wrote “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Maggie was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Clegger” in the visitors book. Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Thatcher supporters propose giant pyramid to last a hundred thousand years

pyramid

Erection in her honour

Supporters of the deceased ex-Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher have proposed the erection in her honour of a mile-high memorial pyramid, visible from space, made from pure gold and shining with the light of a thousand suns.

“We’d originally planned a library,” explained former Conservative chairman Lord Tebbit, but that felt a bit rubbish and prone to closure, and one thing sort of led to another.”

The newly-formed “Cherish Freedom Trust” has announced that it wants the pyramid, which will be based in, and cover most of, central London, “to bring Margaret Thatcher’s legacy, values and achievements to life for the wider public, and to be a true heritage resource where schoolchildren, historians and millions of ant-like insignificant specs of humanity can come and pitifully kneel and ideally keep the structure well-cleaned with their tongues.”

Arguments are raging over the choice of design, with possible plans including a gargantuan handbag, a colossal glinting phallus, or a pyramid.

Suggestions that the mighty edifice could be paid for out of the huge tax cuts recently gifted to Britain’s elite were dismissed as “expensive” by corrupt tax-avoiding bastards this morning. Instead, the original Egyptian construction model is looking favourite, in which the revolutionary use of rollers meant that mighty blocks of stone could be moved by ordinary workers without undue cost. The entirety of Britain’s walking unemployed are to be given the mandatory opportunity to gain valuable work experience through unpaid ‘apprenticeships’ pulling ropes, while the stubborn disabled whom even ATOS are unable to make stand up are to provide valuable service as the rollers.

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Filed under Dating, Golden Showers, Politics

Admin error sees murder rates soar

speed copyMurder rates in the village of Harold have risen dramatically over the last 3 weeks following an admin error on a speed awareness sign. The sign, which was ordered by a now sacked JSA claimant, tells drivers to ‘kill a child, not your speed’, but a reduction in funding means it would now be too expensive to replace.

Recent local government cuts has meant replacing the sign is out of the question. The local council have tried to use Tip-ex to amend the sign to read ‘kill your speed, not a child’, but have found parents too eager to scratch it off.

Councillor Ronsson, ex-father of three, explained the difficulties the council were having. “The people of Harold are a very moral bunch, so when they see Tip-ex on a sign they immediately clear the graffiti off. Unfortunately they respect authority as well, so did exactly what the sign says, some a little too keenly.”
Read more here…

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Football club to hold minute’s silence in memory of the Ironing Lady

silenceIt has been confirmed that a minutes silence will be observed before Harold Thursday’s game on Saturday as a mark of respect following the passing of Teresa Macster, the first female Mayor of Harold, known locally as the Ironing Lady on account of the fact that she ran a laundry business in the village.

‘Mrs Macster never really understood sport,’ said club chairman Billy McKean, ‘but this club owes her a great debt as she chose to sell off the cricket ground, rather than the football field, which guaranteed our pathetic survival to this day.’ Read more here…

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