Disgraced omni-dubious former Secretary of State for Defence Liam Fox has called for a return to days of Thatcherite values when more casual regulation meant people like him could stick their sweaty noses into the trough unopposed.
Fox, seen as a standard-bearer of the Tory right, will call for the party to fight the next general election on a radical platform of tax cuts, privatisation and deregulation from people like himself, who spunk public money on their old mates who live with them in rent-free orgiastic luxury.
“What this country needs to get back on its feet is a total absence of regulations preventing Ministers from giving Britain’s money to old male chums, when said chums have no government role whatsoever,” Fox explained. “Old being a relative term of course, for close buddies who are 17 years younger than oneself, and enjoy sharing a pig’s trotter stuffed with lark’s vomit. The very real risk that such behaviour could have almost landed one with a custodial sentence is acting as a brake on investment, and could significantly impact my retirement plans.”
In a speech to business leaders in Birmingham, he argued that the party can win an overall majority in 2015 only if it shows “political courage” and “intellectual creativity”, particularly with regards to explaining why one’s close male friend had a set of business cards printed proclaiming him to be one’s personal “advisor”, which is frankly like walking into a bank and telling everyone that as you’re a close friend of the manager, you’re allowed to rummage around in the vault, gorging your fill on the rich contents within.
“I had a conscience, but I ate it long ago,” explained ‘Fantastic’ Mr Fox.