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Category Archives: Politics
Village mishears health secretary and adopts elderly Asians
Mrs Yamada smiling the smile of someone who’s embraced enough British culture to be on the way to the pub of an afternoon.
Villagers in Harold today realised that they misheard Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt’s edict that families should be like Asians and adopt elderly relatives and are now wondering what to do with all the elderly Asians they’ve opened their homes to.
“I did think it was a weird idea,’ said mum-of-two Carly Jeffery. ‘But then when Mr Rhyming-Slang explained that the elderly Asians were all lonely and marginalised and that, it only seemed right to help out. So I found Shoji on Facebook and offered him our spare room. He’s ninety-three and insists on doing all the cleaning. Bonus. Do I have to send him back now?” Continue reading
Saatchi and Saatchi have worked tirelessly to keep morons alive
With the next firefighters’ day of on-the-books inaction looming, Fire Minister Brandon Lewis has issued a list of precautions that many people wouldn’t have immediately thought of.
Top Government tips for the duration of industrial action include: Avoid taking lit birthday cakes to bed with you. Don’t let your man light his cigar when re-fuelling the Jag. And think twice before drying out damp fireworks in a gas oven.
“We’ve all done that haven’t we?” chuckled Mr Lewis, “Especially if we’ve some old fireworks left over from last 5th November, but probably best not-to this week.”
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October 18, 2013 · 12:53 amBritish Gas blame 9.2% price rise on ‘Global Christmas Party Markets’
Not wishing to be left behind in the daylight robbery business, British Gas has announced average price rises to its customers of 9.2%
Centrica, British Gas’s parent company said: “We regret having to increase prices, especially at this time of year, but we have very little control over external factors that help us deliver energy such as global prices of Champagne, an unstable caviar market and the ‘shareholders’ Christmas party’ venue’s payment terms of 100% up front.
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Police make pinky-swear to review ‘Lying protocols’
Oscar Tango, I am not wearing a helmet. Over.
Police Officers have sought to clarify their procedures on whether it’s OK to lie about people who tell lies for a living.
In a statement, Police from Warwickshire, West Mercia and West Midlands explained that “Despite a thorough investigation we do not believe that there is any evidence that these officers’ pants are on fire.”
It went on to clarify, “Yes, Police Federation members met last October with Andrew Mitchell, who gave them a full and frank account of his language in the matter and apologised where appropriate. Yes, they then came out of that meeting and told the media that he hadn’t done so. Yes, it now transpires that Mr Mitchell had taped the meeting, showing that they’d lied. But, to put it in context, his mum smells.”
The Hillsborough Support Group has expressed its disbelief that serving Police Officers could possibly be involved in lies and deception. “We send our heartfelt sympathy to the Police who have been found out in this way. Who knew?” said a group spokesperson.
Meanwhile, in London, where ‘plebgate’ events began in 2012, friends of Steven Lawrence and Blair Peach who have somehow managed to avoid false arrest and police assault, are organising a fund-raiser for the Metropolitan Police Benevolent Fund.
A man wearing a balaclava for health purposes explained “an officer already has to work a full 30 years before being cast onto the scrap heap with nothing but a massive lump sum and index-linked pension to survive on. The Government are planning to make things even worse and we felt we should help. There aren’t any police officers outside are there? I think I’m allergic, they bring me out in lumps.”
Janus Tomkins, the Force’s Media Finance Intake Co-ordinator insisted that the Police Federation were right behind their members.
“The good old days where villains could be fitted up as necessary are long gone,” said Tomkins, “but it’s my understanding there’s an exception for activists, politicians and football supporters. Are you wearing a Greenpeace badge? Right, you’re f***ing nicked son.”
Cabinet reshuffle: Scrooge says first week in charge of DWP not entirely humbug
Is it just us or does Scrooge look a lot like Patrick Stewart?
The newly appointed Secretary of Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has reported that his first few days in office have been productive and struck a cautiously optimistic note by declaring them not ‘entirely humbug’.
“Stepping to Iain Duncan’s Smith’s shoes after the Cabinet reshuffle was never going to be easy,” ex-city financier Ebenzer Scrooge told us. “According to this government’s own figures since he took the reins statutory homelessness has risen by 34% and the Samaritans have reported a significant rise in suicides which are now at their highest peak this century. Sterling work but I’m hoping that my new reforms will top that.” Continue reading
Residents taught to ‘spot an illegal’ as part of operation ‘you talk funny’
The village of Harold is to have all its residents trained to spot illegal immigrants in a trial to work alongside government plans to get banks, landlords and milkmen to check the status of all their customers.
Minister of State for Immigration, Mark Harper MP said: “It is good to see people taking the initiative and fighting the problem of foreigners without relying on proper border controls.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
Village to employ ex-Nazi to help with badger cull
With the trial cull of badgers over, the company charged with ‘taking the badgers out’ have asked for some more time as their marksmen were not as good as they thought.
If more badgers are to be executed then there has been a suggestion that they should be gassed, an idea that has led the council in Harold to ask for the services of an ex-Nazi officer.
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Situations Vacant: Leader of English Defence League
If you are so confused by this you literally stop breathing then you could be the man for us.
Due to unforeseen circumstances we at the EDL are urgently seeking a new leader.
Please get someone to read the following criteria to you carefully before deciding if you would be a good fit for the EDL. Godfrey Bloom need not apply.
Despite mistake EDL leader still outing critics; gives name and address of PM
After revealing the name and address of a completely innocent man on twitter, EDL leader, Tommy Robinson has taken to the social media site once again to show he is not as thick as the episode made him look.
Robinson was attempting to publish the name and address of the editor of EDL News, an anti-EDL protest group, but instead revealed the details of a man who doesn’t even share the same name.
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Filed under News, Politics, Religion, Uncategorized
“If I knew what I was doing I’d get a proper job” insists Jeremy Hunt
Hunt in training to deal with awkward questions
The popular Health Secretary has told NHS pay review bodies that even the capped public sector 1% pay increase is unaffordable.
“Paying these spongers what we’ve already agreed to would cost us much more than we previously estimated, if my abacus is correct” said Jeremy Hunt, the well-known typing error.
“But once we’d fired up the Amstrad PCW8512 and crunched most of the numbers, we knew we’d dropped a right bollock.”
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Larry the cat admits ‘I’m not that keen on the Camerons either’
Larry the cat, 10 Downing Street’s failed rat-catcher, has hit back at reports that he is not liked claiming he never really liked the Camerons anyway.
“We are from totally different backgrounds” Larry told cat trade paper, ‘Meows of the World’. “He was born into a family of millionaires and had the best education money could buy. I, on the other paw, was abandoned in London as a kitten and then put up for adoption.”
Daily Mail denies Miliband attack motivated by anti-semitism
Of course that was a long time ago and to imply that this reflects the current practice and outlook of the Daily Mail would be as mad as holding a son to account for his father’s views.
Tories announce everyone under-25 to work in a job centre
Bringing back Mr Pastry: a key Tory policy designed to please the party faithful
As the Tory Party conference in Manchester lurched towards a conclusion David Cameron took to the stage to announce plans for every under twenty-five year old not in education, training or employment to work in a job centre.
“We are making it impossible for young people to claim benefits,” the Prime Minister said. “Our message to those without jobs is get a job. Yes, it’s that easy because this scheme combined with Osborne’s one that jobseekers will have to attend the job centre every day means that we now need hundred of thousands more job centre workers to administrate this mess. I mean forward thinking policy that will put the UK way out in front in the global race.” Continue reading
Chancellor announces long-term unemployed to be herded into camps
Osborne crosses his fingers for luck as he announces his Big Idea.
Chancellor George Osborne today used his speech at the Tory Party conference to announce a new policy in which the long-term unemployed will be herded into camps and rendered what he calls ‘statistically invisible’.
“There are 200,000 long-term unemployed in this country,” he said. “I’m going to end this something for nothing culture, prise them away from their cigarettes, their massive televisions and their X-boxes and send them somewhere where they won’t keep buggering up my figures on economic recovery.” Continue reading
Cameron brings forward “Help to buy Election” scheme
“This is going to hurt you much more than it does me.”
A controversial scheme, whereby taxpayers will assist Tory politicians onto the gravy train ladder of single-party government, is being launched months earlier than expected at the Conservatives’ annual conference.
David Cameron told the BBC’s Andrew Marr that the party is still ‘recovering from a very low base’ and first time voters still needed a nudge to vote the right way. He rejected fears that the Help to Buy scheme will fuel a bubble of voter over-optimism. “As Prime Minister I am not going to stand by while fine candidates’ aspirations to get on the gravy train ladder are being trashed.” Continue reading
Injunction prevents Daily Mail publishing saucy beach shots of Eric Pickles
Being a responsible news organ we can’t publish ‘The Photos’ but this should give you the general idea.
The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief when a court injunction was awarded yesterday preventing the Daily Mail’s from publishing a collection of photos of Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, enjoying a relaxing beach holiday with his wife, Irene, ahead of this week’s Conservative Party Conference.
Alongside the banned photographs, the Mail had intended to publish a story commenting upon his ‘unbelievable body’ and ‘skimpy beach shorts’. Continue reading
Delegates descend on Manchester for Tory Party conference
Imagine the mess the city will be in twenty-eight days later.
As UN report proves global warming exists, Daily Mail asks ‘why does it still snow?’
With the influential report from the UN climate panel giving the strongest suggestion yet that climate change is a reality, the Daily Mail has rubbished the evidence saying it refuses to answer the key question, why does it still snow.
“We accept that this paper is one of the most peer reviewed in history” the Daily Mail’s Paul Dacre said. “And it has been written by hundreds of different scientists using experiments and data that are indisputable, but last week we had to put the central heating on. In September for God’s sake”
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Ed ‘man of the working class’ Miliband to cap the price of Baked Beans
With the plan to cap energy prices not going down as well as expected, Ed Miliband is expected to take a another big gamble and cap the price of Baked Beans.
Ed ‘man of the working class’ Miliband told the Labour conference that his energy plan would save ordinary families £150, meaning the saving from five ‘ordinary family’ houses would be enough to pay for his new £750 conference suit.
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