Village mishears health secretary and adopts elderly Asians


Mrs Yamada smiling the smile of someone who’s embraced enough British culture to be on the way to the pub of an afternoon.

Villagers in Harold today realised that they misheard Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt’s edict that families should be like Asians and adopt elderly relatives and are now wondering what to do with all the elderly Asians they’ve opened their homes to.

“I did think it was a weird idea,’ said mum-of-two Carly Jeffery. ‘But then when Mr Rhyming-Slang explained that the elderly Asians were all lonely and marginalised and that, it only seemed right to help out. So I found Shoji on Facebook and offered him our spare room. He’s ninety-three and insists on doing all the cleaning. Bonus. Do I have to send him back now?”

“So the real plan is that we all let our elderly relatives live with us?’ said bus driver Gary Thorne. ‘Well all right, I’d love to let my old mum live with me at least then I won’t have to pay bedroom tax anymore. Course we can’t talk for more than thirty minutes without having a row and I won’t have smoking in the house and I don’t know how relaxed she’d be about the swinging but maybe it would work. I’m not kicking out Mrs Yamada though, she’s lovely.”

‘I reckon that Jeremy James Blunt’s off his chump,’ said pensioner Tom Stalling. ‘Everyone living together all the time. Has he never experienced a proper family Christmas? My lot are usually on the brink of ending up on Crimewatch by Boxing Day afternoon.”

However some people have welcomed the policy, amongst them elderly Asian Anil Kapoor. “The family that adopted barely speak to me really”, explained Kapoor. “They only phone when it’s my birthday or they want something. They make no allowances for my age, tut and sigh when I’m a bit slow, I’m sure they think of me as an inconvenience and are just waiting for me to die. At last, I can truly say that I feel properly integrated into British society.”

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