A bunch of tossers: sometimes this stuff writes itself
In a gesture of goodwill the government has invited everyone to the House of Commons today for pancakes. However before making their way to Westminster people are being urged to read ministers’ statements about the pancakes in order to determine if they meet the criteria. Continue reading
Boris Johnson’s plans to have radicalised children removed from their home seems to have backfired when social workers began taking children out of his old school, Eton.
The Mayor of London said the idea was to try to rehabilitate people that have been brainwashed into thinking they are somehow better than everyone else, and were likely to try and harm others in later years.
“As soon as we were made aware of the scheme we looked around the community to identify any radicalised children,” the head of social services in Windsor told us.
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Despite the criticism Newcastle United’s Alan Pardew has received from the public, football experts and Robbie Savage for his headbutt on a Hull player, Ed Miliband has said he can see the merits of the management technique of ‘laying one on the nut’ of the opposition’s team.
‘I wouldn’t normally advocate violence unless it involved an army, dodgy evidence and was in a country far from here” the Labour leader said.
“But after watching Match of the Day, the more I think about it the more I can see the benefits of moving Michael Gove out of my way in the voting lobby by “pushing him” with my head. Continue reading
There was a further blow to PM David Cameron’s pledges on immigration yesterday when it was revealed that the Romanian version of pensioners’ favourite, ‘Escape to the Country’, consistently promotes the England as the best country for economic refugees seeking a fresh start.
The show, which has become a cult classic at the GCHQ reconnaissance centre, follows a similar format to the British version but instead of looking at homes, prospective emigrant couples are shown around three countries, two meeting their exact specifications and then a mystery country which is a little different and always turns out to be England.
In the programme we watched, Natalia and Ovidiu Demestrescu from Bucharest told a Romanian Aled Jones that they were looking for a European country with character, period features and good social services to accommodate the six children they were planning. They had a budget of zero to play with.
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Even Farage's pets had skeletons in their closets
With potential Ukip members now being asked to make sure they have no ‘skeletons in their closets’, museums up and down the UK are preparing for an unprecedented amount of new artifacts to display.
The new rules for potential candidates includes declarations such as “I have never been engaged in… racist activity”, “I do not have any skeletons in the cupboard”, and “I have never, in any way, acted like Godfrey Bloom”.
This move by the party has led to the hurried emptying of closets that has left the Harold Natural History Museum inundated with artifacts to add to its otherwise mundane collection.
You’ll never leave us, will you? What? No, we’re not coming on strong just because Scotland’s upset us. We love you Wales, you’ve always been our favourite and we mean that. We really, really do.
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Gary Glitter in his heyday enjoying a joke with political rival Margaret Thatcher
The Labour party has apologised for “getting it wrong” after revelations that the party was led for much of the 1970s by notorious paedophile Gary Glitter.
A spokesman admitted Labour was “naive” over its links with Glitter, but insisted that paedophilia was now almost totally eradicated from the party, and had only ever been a “minority interest”.
After losing the 1970 general election, Labour famously decided to widen its appeal by seeking new members from the entertainment industry, and figures such as Glitter quickly rose to positions of importance. The present-day party’s insistence that child molestation was not widespread is perhaps questionable, given the presence in the shadow cabinet of Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall, and the “Child Catcher” out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Continue reading
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Filed under Politics, Showbusiness
Pussy webcam ‘a bit of a disappointment’
GCHQ was inundated with ‘freedom of information’ applications from perverts yesterday, following revelations that it stole millions of intimate webcam images.
However, GCHQ dismissed claims that it’s engaged in invasion of privacy and thievery.
“What the Guardian reader types don’t realise” said a spokesperson “is that it is only our constant benign vigilance that protects them from constant malign invasion of privacy and thievery. I’m sure that will now be reflected in journalists’ reports.” adding “We know where they live, the colour of their bedroom wallpaper, and the size and shape of their tattoos.”
More startling evidence has emerged of Harriet Harman’s links to the notorious Paedophile Information Exchange. After several minutes’ investigation, the Evening Harold has come up with ten facts that the Deputy Labour Leader will struggle to deny.
1. Harriet Harman lives in London which is full of paedophiles. She is bound to have walked past one in the street or worse sat next to one on public transport. Try denying that one!
2. Harriet Harman is an MP and they are all dodgy in one way or another.
3. Even more damning, she represents Peckham in Parliament. We all know Peckham is a full of criminals. You only have to watch old episodes of “Only Fools and Horses” for evidence.
4. Harriet Harman has been linked to PIEs since a steak and kidney one baked by her grandmother in 1954. Continue reading
Nick Clegg has welcomed calls for pre-nuptial agreements to become enforceable by courts. He believes that had such a guarantee been in place when he got in bed with David Cameron in 2010, then the impending divorce between them would have been a lot less messy than it is going to be.
“We already have our wedding vows, or as some call it the coalition agreement,” he explained, “but that only deals with how we treat each other while we’re together. I must love and obey, in sickness and in health, even when raising tuition fees.
NRA urged members to ‘spare what you can, even a small gun can make a difference to someone’s life’
The USA’s National Rifle Association has stepped up to help the people of Ukraine, by urging its members to post hand guns to the country at random.
With 85% of the NRA having more guns than they can count in one sitting, the organisation’s president James W. Porter II has urged them to ‘send spare guns for freedom’.
“Ukraine is hurting”, said Porter. “They are struggling valiantly against Russia, Putin, communism and relatively sensible gun laws. It’s the perfect storm, a storm that can only be calmed by sending your old weapons.”
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Filed under breaking news, International News, Politics
Harman much preferred wiping bottom with the Sun
The Daily Mail purchase allegations have been swirling around Harman for weeks, and until yesterday her only comment was that the story was ‘ridiculous and untrue’. But revelations that a copy of the Daily Mail was in her flat in 1978 forced Harman to be more forthcoming.
“Yes it is true that there was a copy of the Daily Mail in my flat in 1978 but it was already there before I moved in” said Harman on Newsnight. “And none of my flatmates would have actually bought the Daily Mail – I think they shoplifted it and bought it back for bog paper or something”.
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics
The wages of sin is this face on our televisions forever.
Piers Morgan has been axed from CNN and will undoubtedly be returning to live and work in the UK. As most Britons consider packing a case and heading for the exits one Ukip councillor has blamed this latest blow to the nation’s morale on David Cameron and the legalisation of gay marriage. Continue reading
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Filed under News, Politics, Showbusiness
Concerns have been raised Labour leader Ed Miliband after he said he’s done a lot of thinking and decided it is Prime Minister’s Question’s that “subtracts from the reputation of politics” and definitely not the MPs expenses scandal, a proposed 11% pay rise, many MPs having six-figures salary directorships on the side, failed economic policies or their inability to put people before big businesses and banks.
Speaking on the BBC, Miliband said: “People can accept us selling half the country’s gold reserves at rock bottom prices and the coalition’s attack on the most vulnerable through welfare reform, but they just will not accept planted questions and the occasional joke at PMQ’s.
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The Law is Just Above an Arse.
The Police Association has reacted angrily to plans to house magistrates in police stations, claiming they wouldn’t be ‘on-the-spot enough’.
Instead, they want to see officers carrying tiny judges with them, either in back packs or a proper legal case.
The Truncheon Foundation, a forward-leaning police think-tank, is some of the brain behind the suggestion. It believes that by only employing magistrates considerably under 5-foot tall, police officers wouldn’t struggle to carry the judicial system.
“By adopting the ‘midgetstrate’, Britain’s police would be more efficient”, said PC Flegg. “Think of it as a cross between RoboCop, Judge Dredd and Jeremy Kyle.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Law and Order, Politics
SNP leader and pro-independence campaigner Alex Salmond reacted furiously to suggestions from Tory, Labour, and Lib-Dem leaders that Scots will no longer be able to hate the English if the Scots vote ‘yes’ to independence. This is a crucial issue as the ‘currency of hate’ of the English is considered the glue that binds Scottish people together.
“It’s blatant scaremongering – they are bluffing” thundered Salmond. “Even though we will no longer be able to hate the English because we are ruled by the Tory b*stards, we can hate them for plenty of other reasons. We can hate them for their crooked bankers, aggressive warmongering, and David Bowie. We can hate them for warm beer, bowler hats, and Alistair Carmichael. And we can still hate David Cameron for his slimy false promises and huge shiny forehead.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics
Blair’s warmongery stocks a range of traditional tin blood baths.
Tony Blair has moved to Harold and opened a traditional little warmongers, with organic biological weapons and free-range dossiers a speciality.
But locals are worried that the business could affect house prices, particularly if a bomb should go off.
‘Deng of Iniquity: Warmongery to the discerning despot’ has taken over the premises of Harold’s cancer research shop. It’s also been knocked through to the neighbouring chippy, after Blair heard that ‘The Stephen Fryer’ held large stocks of oil.
Some residents have been more welcoming to Blair than others; Cllr Ron Ronnson was one of the first to greet him. “Lovely to meet you, did you bring any money?”, Blair joked. “I won’t shake hands if you don’t mind. I’ve got blood on them.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics, War
The opening skirmish of Operation “Cock and Awe”…
Following yesterday’s courtroom revelation that Tony Blair advised Rebekah Brooks on how to tackle her phone hacking problem, the nation is breathlessly asking itself today whether that is the only tackle he helped her with.
Blair is believed by many to have been steadily working his way through the sexual conquest of the entire female staff of News Corporation, from the highest Chief Executive’s wife down to the lowliest News of the World editor. Wendi Deng, the former wife of Rupert Murdoch, allegedly developed a passionate obsession with him, and fiery redhead Brooks may just have been the latest woman to need urgent help with her briefs. Continue reading
There were a few errors fibs in David Cameron’s welfare speech published today so the Evening Harold offers readers a corrected version.
David Cameron says he is giving unemployed Britons “new hope and responsibility” *snigger* by cutting benefit payments bank excesses and claims his welfare banking reforms are part of a “moral mission” for the country.
The Prime Minister’s comments were in response to Britain’s most senior Roman Catholic, the Most Rev Vincent Vince Nichols, who said recent changes had left many in “hunger and destitution” *well ship some gold panels over from the Vatican then Vince*.
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics
NHS England has announced it will delay selling your details and medical records to third parties until they have convinced the public it will be ok.
A spokesman for the organisation said: “Because people are now realising that the companies holding the information can’t be 100% guaranteed not to lose it and that in some circumstances it may be possible to identify you, we understand we have to spend more time and money convincing them not to worry.
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