Category Archives: News

by | June 6, 2013 · 7:00 am

Teen caught hiring himself out to families who want to cut theme park queues

How much would you pay to avoid hours of this?

Harold teenager and wheelchair user Simon Delaney, 17, has been banned from Chronicles of Narnia inspired theme park Six Beavers over Dunstable after it emerged that he had been hiring himself out to families who didn’t want to queue up for rides having copied the idea from news reports about similar scams happening at Disneyland in Florida.

“At Six Beavers visitors who use mobility aides such as wheelchairs or motorised scooters can use an alternate entrance to some rides and every so often we stop the main queue to allow them onto the ride itself,” said a spokesperson for the park. “And this young man has been wholeheartedly abusing that scheme.” Continue reading →

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by | June 5, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Gove to replace GCSE exams with Cowell inspired X-Levels

Amanda will bite your arse!

Amanda will bite your arse!

A leaked Government paper has revealed that Education Secretary, Michael Gove, is planning to shake up the examination system with the introduction of new X Levels, based upon the talent show The X Factor.

“We need to get kids to buy into the examination system,” said a leading Tory strategist, “and we’re willing to take tough decisions by calling Simon Cowell in to make this work. After all, we transformed the High Street by consulting with Mary Portas.” Continue reading →

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by | · 12:15 pm

Prescription self-help books blamed for 4-hour wait at library

library

Queuing for Dummies (by Doctor Evans)

The latest attempt by GPs to avoid doing any work is causing massive delays at local libraries.

With the A&E department at Dunstable hospital already full to capacity, local quack Dr Evans is urging would-be patients to ‘read a book’, instead of bothering a proper health professional.

“It’s not my fault people get ill outside office hours”, suggested Evans. “It would help me enormously if they would only get sick between 10.30am and 3.30 pm, or before 1pm on a Wednesday.

“But while I sympathise with those who say I spend all my time on the golf course, they might first consider ‘would I be better off in the library?'”

Thanks to a new national initiative, Doctor Evans can now prescribe people ‘self-help’ books which are available from all good librarians. “For a simple £7.85 prescription, they can pick up something I heartily recommend”, said Evans. “Preferably something quite long, that will take ages to finish.”
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by | · 11:30 am

Players of Tory Bingo get ready to call house

Number Four: Police knock at the door.

Number Four: Police knock at the door.

Excitement is building among players of Tory Bingo as more and more cases of sleaze and corruption hit the press meaning that the day one lucky contestant gets to call house can’t be very far away.

“Tory Bingo hasn’t been this thrilling since the early nineties,” said long-term player and Harold resident, Doris Kettle. “Back then we had so many scandals like the economy being brought to its knees by Norman Lamont and his young advisor David Cameron, the arms-to-Iraq scandal, cash-for-questions, Jonathan Aitken being convicted of perjury and-” Continue reading →

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by | June 4, 2013 · 11:00 am

Family slammed for not organising charity event following grandfather’s death

MarathonWhen Doris Kettle’s brother, Ken, died at the age of 78 in January, his sister naturally expected his family to pay tribute to him in the usual manner by taking part in some futile project in his memory. But so far, says a disappointed Doris, nothing has happened.

“I think it’s appalling,’ said the Grandmother of six. “We had the funeral, the wake and then, of course, the memorial service and since then, nothing. The London Marathon came and went and none of the lazy buggers even bothered to take part in that. Not one of them has even had their head shaved. I can’t help thinking that Ken died in vain.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

‘John McCririck sets precedent for companies to sack weird freaks everywhere’ claims C4

McCririck

McCririck may have lied on his CV when he claimed to be ‘not all that weird’

Channel 4 has hailed their sacking of John McCririck as ‘striking a blow against oddballs’, and has urged others saddled with irritating weirdos to do the same.

Turning up for work each day dressed some sort of  ‘shit Doctor Who’, no-one can remember how McCririck ever got past the interview process.

But while European law was supposed to stop employers treating normal people like disposable scum, there are fears the same protection has inadvertently been extended to nut-jobs.

“With his hand-tourettes and hair stolen from a badger’s pubic region, no-one in their right mind would justify keeping McCririck”, said a C4 executive.

Unfortunately for the broadcaster McCririck turned out to be quite old. That meant he could claim he wasn’t sacked for his abrasive personality, but because he might die fairly soon.
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by | June 3, 2013 · 11:00 am

Retired Sir Alex Ferguson ‘still hasn’t put those shelves up’

FERGIE

Sir Alex ‘too tight’ to get a man in.

Despite being at a loose end for over three weeks now, retired Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson ‘still hasn’t put those bloody shelves up’, according to his wife Cathy.

Sir Alex has been promising to tackle various odd-jobs around the home since 1986, when he first moved the family for his new senior administrative role with a popular sports team in Manchester. But while most men retire around the age of 65, Cathy claims he ‘deliberately kept going into his 70s’ to avoid the looming spectre of DIY.

“Alex claims he’s good with his hands, but he’s not so much as rewired a plug since the early 90s”, revealed Cathy. “And when I say ‘rewired’, I mean ‘shouted at its metal little face for 94 minutes and then hit it with a shoe.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Tom Cruise revealed as new Doctor Who, Daleks to be shortened

doctortom

Daleks ‘stumped’ by charismatic, short new Doctor.

Actor Tom Cruise was said to be ‘ecstatic’ this morning at the news that he is to become the next Doctor Who, following the decision by Matt Smith to leave the series after three years.

“I can’t explain how excited I am to find out that, unknown to me, I am the twelfth incarnation of the Doctor, thus at last freeing me from this Earthly domain to roam amongst the stars,” he confessed to Hollywood journalists this morning.

“I’d always suspected that I was not from this planet, but instead from somewhere like Gallifrey, where people aren’t afraid to tell the truth and everyone is slightly shorter than they are here.”
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by | May 31, 2013 · 11:30 am

New bail-out required after a run on the nation’s food banks

food bank QueueWith the financial crisis still rumbling along and belts being tightened enough to make Eric Pickles look like an hour-glass, a new crisis is emerging that is going to require another bail-out. Rumours of a lack of deposits has led to the country’s first run on a food bank.

With more and more people being forced to use the banks in order to feed their family, deposits in them are now running at an all time low. The charities are now looking for a bail-out to boost their stocks they hold from the government, or Asda.
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by | May 30, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Rail Company to introduce ‘Fart Class’ carriages

GuffsThe Greater Anglia rail franchise has announced plans to reserve a carriage for passengers who are unable to control their intestinal gas emissions.

A spokesman for the railway company,  who hope to eventually power trains from recycled emissions, explained the thinking behind the designation of a new flatulence carriage, for those already being dubbed ‘Fart Class’ passengers.

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by | · 11:30 am

Iain Duncan Smith declared unfit for work by Atos

rsz_iain-duncan-smith415

Is this man a danger to the public?

An attempt to prove that Atos assessments are fair and transparent spectacularly backfired today when the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, was declared unfit for work.

The assessor ruled that Duncan Smith lives largely in a fantasy world as evidenced by his misuse of statistics to prove points both in the media and the House of Commons and the lies which were present on his CV until a Newsnight exposé forced him to change it. Despite his highest qualifications merely being A’levels, Duncan Smith had claimed to be a graduate of the Universita di Perugia and to have been educated at Dunchurch College of Management. This inflation of his academic record was classified by Atos as being symptomatic of  a severe case of an illness commonly known as a touch of  the Archers. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

UK Government ready to release Lib Dem detainees

Clegg, Cable and Alexander await release

Clegg, Cable and Alexander await release

After Amnesty International described it as ‘unlawful detention’, the UK government has agreed to release its Lib Dem detainees. Believed to have been captured around the time of the 2010 election, the prisoners led by Nick Clegg have been ritually humiliated.

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond explained “these detainees were originally held for strategic purposes. Although some say it goes against the Geneva Convention, Clegg has proven himself to be a very useful human shield.”

Records show that the use of Lib Dem’s ended ‘many months ago’, yet David Cameron has decided to keep them locked up in coalition, a move the International Red Cross has called barbaric. However Mr Hammond defended his leader’s decision claiming he “could not guarantee the Lib Dem’s safety if they were handed back over to the public.”

The prison camp is believed to be located within the confines of 10 Downing Street, but those being held captive have only recently been able to get access to a lawyer to represent them. With many claiming this representation should have been offered at the tax payer’s expense long before now, the Defence Secretary told us that it had in fact been offered many times over a year ago.
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by | May 29, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Westboro Baptist Church modernise by allowing gay clergy

WBC protest with their new and improved signs

WBC protest with their new and improved signs

The controversial religious cult, the Westboro Baptist Church, have announced a set of reforms aimed at modernising the church and improving its public image. Although they have stopped short of banning incest and the brainwashing of children, they have come out and agreed to allow gay clergy.

The notoriously homophobic group have until now been bitterly against same-sex relationships, preaching their hatred with their infamous banners whilst protesting at military installations, schools and at the funerals of fallen soldiers. However in a bid to rebuild numbers in their church, the church’s founder Pastor Fred Phelps has decided to get right behind the gay community.
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by | · 11:30 am

Man joins English Defence League: disappointed by spelling

Makes "you're teeth", itch. Do'nt it?

Makes “you’re teeth”, itch. Do’nt it?

Harold man, Col. Thomas Hallet, today spoke of his disappointment on joining the English Defence League and discovering that the promotion and preservation of the correct use of the English language was the last thing on their minds.

“I happened to be in Dunstable last week and I popped into a pub I’d never been in before which turned out to be rather insalubrious but I thought I’d have a quick pint while I waited for my good lady wife to finish buying whatever women’s things she feels it necessary to procure from the town.” Continue reading →

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by | May 28, 2013 · 2:38 pm

Man dies after eating an Apple a day

To get 2 of his 5-a-day, the iPhones were on Orange

To get 2 of his 5-a-day, the iPhones were on Orange

A 19 year old man died yesterday, after being advised to eat an apple a day by Doctor Evans. Wayne Chavley was rushed to hospital after consuming 2 iPhones, 3 iPads and a Macbook air over the course of 6 days.

It is believed he initially visited his GP for a check up. As he was found to be a little on the morbidly obese side, Doctor Evans recommended he try eating fruit as a snack instead of a family size bar of Galaxy. As Mr Chavley walked out of the doctor’s room, an eyewitness tells us she heard the doctor say ” an apple a day keeps the doctor away”. “I couldn’t believe my ears” Mrs Sandy told us. “It was obvious that the man leaving the room had no idea what fruit was”.

Mr Chavley’s girlfriend made an emotional statement outside the family bedsit. ” We just wanted Wayne to lose a couple of stone. 20 stone was his target. When the doctor recommended an apple a day, we thought he meant iPhones and that. We robbed 4 different people of their stuff and nearly got arrested in Comet as we couldn’t afford all those things, but it was all to help Wayne.” Continue reading →

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by | · 11:30 am

Will Smith to present Question Time

We'd let him chair our debate any day.

We’d let him chair our debate any day.

As part of the publicity tour for his new film Will Smith will present Question Time this Thursday. For the past few days the forty-four year old Hollywood star has been an ubiquitous media presence as he whips up enthusiasm for his latest sci-fi epic.

“Will has had a great time in the UK,” said his agent. “He’s gone on Graham Norton, been to a soccer match and in his downtime visited top London tourist attractions like Boris Johnson. Now with Question Time he’s trying something new.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:30 am

Highways Agency hands over roadworks planning to ‘fairly thick monkey’

conage

Always watching, always alert, always ready to pelt motorists with faeces

The Highways Agency has announced that it will employ a team of brain-damaged monkeys to take on responsibility for organising maintenance of Britain’s motorway network, a move expected to greatly improve the planning of roadworks. The announcement comes after red-faced officials realised that they had accidentally closed every road out of Birmingham at the same time for three whole days without giving any warning.

‘An angry motorist called us to complain that he had ran out of petrol on his third lap of the city of Birmingham, after moving from one diversion to another and finding every road out was closed.” said a spokesman, who also confirmed that the man had been fined £60 for using a handheld mobile phone while driving, despite being in a stationary vehicle.
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by | May 27, 2013 · 7:30 am

Councillor defends sudden holiday, despite house being on fire

jollybobs

Still in control, at 30,000 feet

Councillor Ron Ronsson has been widely criticised for going on holiday, despite his house being ablaze for several hours before he left.

Ronsson is no stranger to dealing with emergencies, and has the people at Lastminute.com on speed-dial. But some in the council have claimed that looking for a reasonable deal in the sun should always play second-fiddle to calling the emergency services.

“I’m still in charge”, claimed Ronsson, on a note found in his drive way. “’All-inclusive’ doesn’t mean we’ve suddenly become a commune.”
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by | May 26, 2013 · 11:30 am

Local Teen wins Wet T-shirt Contest

Katherine's winning T-shirt

Katherine’s winning T-shirt

Harold teenager Katherine Hallet, 16, took home the top prize at the Dunstable wet T-shirt competition this weekend, beating out competitors in a very strong field, which included professionals from throughout the region.

Katherine’s T-shirt, featuring a Sponge-Bob Square Pants design, had been soaked overnight in brine, before being presented in a Tesco bag-for-life. Judges praised the Katherine for the nod to sustainability in her choice of bag, and made special mention of the sheer volume of moisture the shirt had absorbed.

Second prize went to octogenarian Ruby Butler for her cider and urine saturated M&S pure cotton scoop-necked indigo T-shirt, while third place went to Harold Thursday star striker Luis Nutter, for his sweat and rain soaked white Nike tee that he had left in his locker since his ban for a minor cannibalism incident began last month. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Explorers discover a third and mostly dull America

Apparently not all American look like this.

Apparently they don’t all look like this

The standard cliché when reporting on news from the USA may have to be retired following claims from explorers that a third America has been discovered.

“We’re very excited,” said Louisa McClaren, reader in geography at Dunstable University and leader of an expedition which saw a small team of  researchers visit all fifty states in the USA. “For a long time pundits have endlessly claimed that America is really two countries with the coastal cities being one and the one where all the culture, science and coherent politics happens and that that country is wrapped around a sprawling mass of flyover states whose inhabitants have dispensed with rational thought and fully embraced Christian fundamentalism, firearms and morbid obesity.” Continue reading →

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