Players of Tory Bingo get ready to call house

Number Four: Police knock at the door.

Number Four: Police knock at the door.

Excitement is building among players of Tory Bingo as more and more cases of sleaze and corruption hit the press meaning that the day one lucky contestant gets to call house can’t be very far away.

“Tory Bingo hasn’t been this thrilling since the early nineties,” said long-term player and Harold resident, Doris Kettle. “Back then we had so many scandals like the economy being brought to its knees by Norman Lamont and his young advisor David Cameron, the arms-to-Iraq scandal, cash-for-questions, Jonathan Aitken being convicted of perjury and-”

“Don’t forget the affairs,” her friend and fellow Tory Bingo aficionado, Elsie Duggan, interrupted to add. “Oh it’s amazing they had the energy to get any cack-handed running of the country done what with all the shagging! So many married men cheating on their wives. Sometimes with girls, sometimes with boys, sometimes all kinky like but always with the maximum amount of lying.”

Looking at her Tory Bingo card Mrs Kettle feels confident of a win. “This is my best line,” she said gesturing to the card. “I had ‘cooking the books’ very quickly thanks to David Laws. Then ‘cronysim’ because of the prime minister and his special friends from school and Chipping Norton and I recently got ‘trying to cover-up a love child’ due to Boris Johnson.”

Even what seemed to be quite difficult squares at first have been ticked off as the Tories descend further and further into right-wing madness and greed.

“I thought ‘blame the gays’ would be a tricky one in this day and age,’ said Mrs Kettle. “However Norman Tebbit recently gave an interview so that was a big, big tick and I never thought I’d get ‘publicly says something that even Goebbells would’ve thought twice about’ then Tory councillor Collin Brewer said that disabled children should be put down to save taxpayers money.”

Elsie Duggan is equally sure of winning.

“I only need ‘friendship with a dictator’.” she said. “It sounds unlikely but I’m not worried. I give it a week before we find out that George Osborne has been losing at online Scrabble to Bashar al-Assad.”

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