Category Archives: News

by | August 6, 2013 · 7:00 am

No children involved in church sex scandal: Bishop is “shocked to the core”

St Charles Borromeo, Patron Saint of bishops. Comfort for Bishop McNamee potential pub quiz winning knowledge for you

St. Charles Borromeo, Patron Saint of bishops. Comfort for Bishop McNamee; potential pub quiz winning knowledge for you

The Roman Catholic Bishop of Dunstable has issued ‘a sincere apology’ after recent reports of priestly sexual rummaging. “We have to put our hands up over this truly awful behaviour,” said Bishop Stanislaus McNamee, admitting the church is still struggling to come to terms with news that a local priest has been in a consensual, heterosexual relationship with an unmarried woman from another parish.

The woman has made no complaint and the matter only came to light after the couple were seen spending time together on various activities, including charity work, bird-watching and having a pint of ale at the Squirrel Lickers Arms. McNamee is particularly upset that couple have broken no criminal statute.

“That can’t be right, can it? Why isn’t there a law about this? Clearly we’ll have to have a full enquiry, leaving no stone unturned. However, as things stand – and I know this will be shocking to many in church leadership – it seems their sexual congress routinely involved the use of a penis, a vagina and a condom.” Continue reading →

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by | August 5, 2013 · 7:00 am

Scientists develop cure for Daily Mail

Could it's 117 year reign of terror really be about to come to an end?

The only two word combination that signals a higher concentration of mediocrity is Quote Unquote

Harold scientists Rachel Guest and John Goody have today announced that after many years of trials and research they have developed a cure for the Daily Mail.

“The Daily Mail has blighted lives for over a century” said John Goody. “We’re very proud to have beaten this scourge once and for all. Hopefully soon the sidebar of shame, the hideous use of the phrase ‘all-grown up’ to justify sexually objectifying children and a crazed love for declaring that anything, absolutely anything at all, can give you cancer will be just a bad memory.” Continue reading →

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by | August 4, 2013 · 7:33 pm

David Beckham delighted to be new Doctor Who

The Doctor's new less-elaborate costume is going to result in some horrific cosplay.

The Doctor’s new less-elaborate costume is going to result in some horrific cosplay.

David Beckham has spoken of his delight on being chosen to be the twelfth Doctor Who.

“I am well pleased,” he said. “It was a bit hard to keep it a secret but Victoria wasn’t that bothered. She doesn’t watch science telly, finds it a bit too deep.”

Despite the Doctor being a huge role for any actor let alone one without formal training in his first professional job Beckham is confident he can excel.

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by | · 10:00 am

Doctor Who announcement: BBC lose rights to BT

20130804-061149.jpgWith the impending retirement of Matt Smith as Doctor Who, the BBC have commissioned a special, one-off programme to be aired this evening that will announce they have lost the broadcast rights to the cult sci-fi classic.

Following in the footsteps of football, rugby and MotoGP, in-depth coverage of the time-lord’s antics will be fronted by Jake Humphrey on BT’s new television channel.

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by | August 3, 2013 · 2:30 pm

SAS deployed to cover gestation and birth of Cowell baby

Thanks to these guys none of us will miss a thing. Choice does not come into it.

Thanks to these guys none of us will miss a thing. Choice does not come into it.

The SAS have been deployed on a street in Paddington to ensure that the months leading up to the birth of Simon Cowell’s baby gets the coverage it deserves. Normally active only in the world’s trouble spots several dozen of the elite troops are now providing 24/7 footage of the door outside the Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital which became the subject of global attention when Prince George, Duke of Cambridge was born on the other side of it last month.

“Nay-sayers are complaining that it’s too early,’” said an SAS Major who cannot be identified for security reasons. “But with an operation like this there’s no such thing as too soon. We’ve got boots on the ground now and that ensures we won’t miss a thing from first scan to first cry.” Continue reading →

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by | · 10:00 am

Royal Mail postman to pay back £120 from birthday cards

20130803-014617.jpgHarold’s long term postman, Jack Thornley, has announced he is to return £120 he earned last year from Royal Mail customers’ birthday cards.

The figure is a ‘posties bonus’ that is earned on top of their annual salary and is paid to reward employees who take the time to not only shake for coins, but also have the foresight to delve further in to the cards on the hunt for high value paper.

His offer to pay the money back to the intended recipients comes on the back of the decision by Royal Mail chief executive Moya Greene to pay back £120,000 she received towards the cost of a new house. This was on top of her nearly £500,000-a-year salary and other bonuses which all total £1.47m.

“I realise that in times of austerity it is wrong that I should continue to accept the money sent to villagers in birthday cards” Mr Thornley said. “If our chief executive can take moral stance on bonuses she shouldn’t be really have been paid in the first place, then so can I.”

Although the move has been welcomed by the village’s residents, it has been condemned by the Communication Workers Union.

“We have spent many years and numerous strikes trying to uphold our members pay and conditions” a spokesman for the CWU told us.

“The ‘finders keepers’ clause has been around since 1934 and Mr Thornley’s actions are an insult to all those posties that got arrested for theft, fighting for the right to intercept customers’ gifts”

Mr Thornley’s moral crusade will start next week when he will begin redistributing his gains, but he has warned his customers not to expect a lot.

“The total I earned from cards last year was actually £585 and an Ann Summers gift card, but as the cash element of the bonus has already been spent, I shall only be returning the named cheques I couldn’t cash in.”

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by | August 2, 2013 · 7:00 am

Teen in trouble with Chinese government over sex-toaster

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The device can also warm a brown finger roll.

Harold teenager and would-be entrepreneur seventeen year old Simon Delaney is today facing a lengthy legal battle with the Chinese government over his new invention: a toasted sandwich maker that doubles as a sex toy.

“I read a thing about a bloke who had to call the fire brigade when he got his Rasputin stuck in his toaster and I thought, why would you shag a toaster? Then I after a while I thought, why wouldn’t you? So I designed the perfect machine,” said Delaney. “Only I made it a toasted sandwich maker so you can have a bacon and cheese toastie afterwards or maybe even during. Everything’s better with bacon.” Continue reading →

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by | August 1, 2013 · 2:34 pm

Levels of BS in central London reach dangerously low levels.

houses-of-parliamentEvaluations by environmental health officers in Westminster have shown that levels of bullshit (BS) have reached dangerously low levels. This has seen concerns for those in the media that feed off the BS, usually from a prime harvesting location outside 10 Downing Street.

The lower than usual levels of BS has been linked to the summer recess in parliament. As with honey production being down due to the lack of bees in the UK, BS production has hit an all time low as MPs pretend to do constituency work from yachts in the Mediterranean Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Heston Blumenthal breaks more taboos with release of new cannibal curry

Also considering attempting to raise the dead

Also considering attempting to raise the dead

Celebrity chef, Heston Blumenthal, is set to once again challenge the public’s perception of what can be classed as food with the release of a new line of curries made from human body parts.

In his constant quest for attention Blumenthal has been advocating alternative foods such as insects for a number of years, but limited success has seen him look into even more radical options.

“I’ve been banging on about the need for different, sustainable foods as the earth’s population continues to grow but nobody seems to be listening, possibly because they’re not overly keen on eating bugs.” said the owner of the award-winning Fat Duck restaurant, “That’s when I hit on the idea of eating people instead. It’s a truly sustainable food and could also help towards controlling the population and keeping homelessness and unemployment figures down.”
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by | July 30, 2013 · 11:00 am

Village replaces NHS 111 number with talking to a gran

She doesn't believe you accidentally fell on the vacuum cleaner nozzle either.

She doesn’t believe you accidentally fell on the vacuum cleaner nozzle either.

Amid concerns that the NHS’s 111 non-emergency helpline is inadequately staffed and unsafe the village of Harold has replaced it with a freephone number answered by Ruby Butler, 83.

“It’s the perfect system,” said local GP, Clive Evans. “A significant proportion of those who access the NHS are time wasters. Since Ruby’s become the gatekeeper they’ve vanished faster than an X Factor winner’s career.” Continue reading →

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by | July 29, 2013 · 11:44 am

Iain Duncan Smith announces “unemployee of the month” awards to motivate beneficiaries

Iain Duncan Smith was almost unrecognisable

Iain Duncan Smith was almost unrecognisable

The Coalition’s sweeping benefit reforms have continued with Department of Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith confirming that a pilot scheme to motivate beneficiaries with “unemployee of the month” awards is to be rolled out across the UK.

Duncan Smith said the idea came to him when he visited the Westminster McDonalds and he noticed that none of the employee of the month winners were still working there.

“There they were posing in a photo with a McDonalds uniform, a silly hat, and a forced smile” said Duncan Smith. “Obviously the humiliation of it all meant they soon got another job and left. We thought the same concept could work with beneficiaries.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Council’s just like the Commons session ends in embarrassment

speakers chair copy

Mister Super Paws: the purrfect speaker. Eh? Eh? Oh please yourselves.

Members of Harold Council were left red-faced after trying to liven their last meeting up by holding it in true House of Commons style.

“It was a hot night and we were all a bit bored,” said Eileen Remnant, Chair of the Planning Committee. “So we thought we’d have a some fun and pretend to be real politicians.”

In the absence of a Speaker quick-thinking council members secured the services of Mister Super Paws, the village’s favourite kitten, who was content to sit on a chair in exchange for a tied-up handkerchief full of catnip. Once in place council members began their debate over recycling bins in the manner that MPs would. Continue reading →

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by | July 28, 2013 · 4:00 pm

Village welcomes Romanian gypsies with open arms, both holding a shotgun

GypsiesHarold became the first village in Britain to actively encourage Romanian gypsies after its council voted to fund a makeshift campsite on Harold Common. However, any thoughts that Harold was now a haven for tolerance quickly subsided after the council also legalised gypsy hunting. Continue reading →

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Australia play Sussex team more on their level ahead of third test

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by | July 27, 2013 · 2:30 pm
by | July 27, 2013 · 8:00 am

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Pencil making a check sign in a round cornered box. Isolated on white.

Harold authorities are planning a radical overhaul of crime and anti-social behaviour prevention techniques. In light of the Prime Minister’s recently announced plans to tackle on-line perverts by asking them if they wish to access porn before they access porn, Councillor Ron Ronsson has unveiled plans to replicate the strategy in a number of other areas.

In retail, shoppers visiting the Tesco Express on the high street will be asked when entering the store if they require access to alcohol and tobacco. Councillor Ronsson assures us he is almost certain someone somewhere has done a study to show this will reduce sales of these potentially harmful products. And Julie , owner of ‘Cuts Both Ways’, will be checking with all her customers that they want access to potentially sharp instruments before they are allowed entry to her scissor emporium.

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by | July 25, 2013 · 7:00 am

Royal baby named George following William’s tattoo dilemma

Duke's new tattooThe Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have finally named the ‘royal baby’ George Alexander Louis after arguing over a suitable name. The arguments revolved around the length of the third-in-line to the throne’s first name.

In his continuing efforts to modernise the monarchy the Duke wanted to be seen driving his new family home himself, has changed two nappies to give their nanny a rest and is now going to get his child’s name tattooed onto his forearm.

“The idea of getting a tattoo has been set for a while but William is a bit of a wimp”, royal watcher Nicholas Witchell told us. “Catherine always wanted a Bartholomew, Montgomery or Slartibartfast, but he had his heart set on something short and relatively painless to ink such as Bob, Jon or 3.”
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by | July 24, 2013 · 3:44 pm

Government legalise hunting JSA claimants with dogs

The hounds have been trained to follow the scent of stress and marginalisation.

The hounds have been trained to follow the scent of stress and marginalisation.

In a surprise move the government today formally legalised the hunting of Job Seeker’s Allowance claimants with dogs.

“It’s a practical measure in this time of austerity,” David Cameron told the press. “Yes, hunting foxes with dogs was made illegal in 2004 but let’s be honest that didn’t exactly put an end to the practice, now did it? So the hunts are there, the claimants are there, all we’re doing is putting the two together in a mutually beneficial arrangement that will cost the decent hard-working tax payer very little.” Continue reading →

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by | July 23, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Morrissey: An appeal

UK+News+9-1

Heaven knows he’s miserable now.

As his planned South American tour is cancelled due to lack of funds the Evening Harold is launching an appeal in aid of eighties icon Morrissey. We refuse to accept that his current circumstances are down to the natural fading of a star who hasn’t released any new material in years and simply coasts on the back of endlessly repackaged hits.

Together we could help Morrissey be great again. He could create, the flame could burn and the tiresome arse who spouts racist drivel and is more embarrassing than most people’s nan could become nothing but an unpleasant memory. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Charles insists on homeopathic birth – 10 more royal baby facts

rsz_st-catharines-newborn-photographer_198

Here are ten more lesser known facts about the royal birth

  1. Not only will the prince will be 3rd in line to the throne in this country, but he will also be 25th in line to the throne of Abyssinia (now Ethiopia).
  2. The little bundle of joy will have a 10th share in mineral rights on the moon, thanks to a codicil in the will of astronaut Neil Armstrong.
  3. The royal birth was attended by top physicians and a leading homeopathy expert at the insistence of the child’s grandfather, Prince Charles.
  4. In line with tradition, a ceremonial rope, last used to hold down Queen Victoria during the troubled birth of Prince Alfred in 1844, was brought to the hospital and made available to the Duchess. It is understood that the rope and the historic “Boleyn” biting leather was not used on this occasion. Continue reading →

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by | July 22, 2013 · 8:35 pm

Royal baby boy is born: Duchess of Cambridge gives birth amid doping allegations.

Kate may be stripped of the 'Royal Heir Makers' yellow jersey

Kate may be stripped of the ‘Royal Heir Makers’ yellow jersey

Buckingham Palace have confirmed that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby boy. However, the validity of her labour, and subsequently the baby’s claim to be third in line to the throne have been called into question after initial indications show Kate has failed a doping test.

“We are still waiting for the results from a ‘B’ sample to come back from the lab, but we are sure she gave birth under the influence of pain killers, nitrous oxide and other ‘performance enhancing drugs’” a spokesman for the World Anti-Doping Agency told reporters.

“If the tests are confirmed, she will be stripped of the royal heir makers yellow jersey and receive a world-wide four-year ban from producing babies for any other royal family.”

The news comes just after Chris Froome became the record-breaking second successive clean winner of the Tour De France.

Kensington Palace has denied all claims of doping during the birth and promised to appeal any ban handed down from WADA.

“We are as shocked as anyone else at this result, and promise to conduct a full, internal investigation” the royal gynaecologist told us.

“We are sure she has not willingly taken any substance, but are looking into the possibility a cup of Earl Grey consumed during labour may either have been contaminated with diamorphine, or inadvertently given her an epidural.”

The Palace’s denial of deliberate doping may be questionable as witnesses in the Lindo wing say they heard a female voice scream “Stop prancing round in that f***ing pilot’s uniform and get me some f***ing drugs, NOW.”

In line with drug cheat tradition, we are expecting an easel with the very important announcement of an interview booking to be placed outside Oprah Winfrey’s house.

Royal baby named George. See Wills’ new tattoo…

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