Boris Johnson has denied despotism and claimed that the water cannons bought for London are “lovely”.
“They are not, as some people are saying, a sure sign that we Tories fear riots because we’ve screwed the country rigid,” he told journalists outside City Hall. “These cannons are simply a new way for Londoners to keep cool in the heat over the next few months.”
“As Mayor of London I take the health of the people very seriously,” Johnson said. “That’s why the Metropolitan Police now have three water cannons and will be deploying them at moment’s notice if they come across any mobs that look a bit dehydrated.”
“If the mob also look run-down then then I’m hoping Fat Dave’ll sign off on the Met being able to launch a new initiative to help them to get moving in an invigorating healthy manner. But so far he doesn’t seem as keen as I am on rubber bullets.”
Who might be responsible? Is it you Michael? Is it?
Michael Gove has blamed school governors, local authorities, the Education Funding Agency, Gerald, a lobster from Padstow, Ofsted and teachers for the ‘Trojan Horse’ scandal in Birmingham schools.
The Secretary of State for Education told a packed House of Commons of his concerns about the arrangements for monitoring schools.
“Yes, all those agencies are culpable, obviously. But what a shame there isn’t, say, one individual in charge of our education system.” said the Education Secretary to his stunned audience.
Harold GP Dr Evans has spoken out today about the increase in prescriptions he is writing for Methafone, a mobile phone substitute aimed at helping 3.5 inch screen addicts stop using their device for more than five minutes.
“Often people try to go cold turkey,” Evans explained, “but even though they will claim they are not addicted and are in control, you can still observe them waking up their device just to look at an empty home screen with no messages or missed calls. Continue reading →
Protesters have surprised prime minister David Cameron by setting up a fracking site around his forehead.
“If he thinks it is OK for companies to frack on any area of wasteland regardless of people’s concerns, then he won’t mind us drilling the large expanse above his eyebrows” one of the protesters explained.
“As the tory peer Lord Howell said, it is fine to start drilling in ‘desolate’ areas with ‘plenty of room’. And after his loss to Ukip in the recent elections, he’ll be used to any earthquakes we cause in his cranium.”
There was uproar at Westminster this morning after the Queen read out a list of half-baked UKIP policies instead of the expected zombie speech from the Coalition Government.
There were murmurs in the Lords almost immediately as the Queen uttered the words “My Government will get out of Europe by teatime.” These turned to mutterings and looks of surprise as she announced the immediate closure of the Channel Ports and the Tunnel.
By the time she had announced that Scottish Independence would be encouraged by offering Ulster as a going away present to the “ungrateful bastards”, it was clear that something was amiss. Continue reading →
An extremely rare example of an iPhone without a cracked screen has been discovered in Dunstable. It was previously believed that every iPhone that had ever been taken out of the box and used had subsequently been broken, but this find finally disproves that theory.
It is especially significant for Simon James, an iPhone enthusiast who made the discovery. He has been searching for the mythical ‘unbroken used iPhone’ since the iPhone 3G was released back in 2008. Continue reading →
Journalists strongly advised not to ask too many questions
FIFA were caught up in further controversy today following their decision to strip the hosting of the 2022 World Cup from Qatar and instead award it to Sicily.
Critics are claiming that the new vote was, if anything, even more corrupt than the original process that saw the World Cup awarded to Qatar. These claims have been strenuously denied by Matteo Messina Denaro, who headed up the Sicily 2022 bid. Continue reading →
“And then, after the penalties, I usually slump my shoulders like this”
At a press briefing at Luton Airport on Sunday, Roy Hodgson confirmed younger England players are being taken to the World Cup primarily to get used to losing.
”Some have lost with their clubs at home and at European level: now they must do so on the World stage if they want to earn a long-term England place.”
Sadly, others are still hungry for success “You can see it in their eyes: they positively radiate passion, belief and hope. And it’s my job, together with Stevie [team captain, Gerrard], to snuff that out.” Continue reading →
With the results of an investigation showing corruption in FIFA led to the awarding of the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, The Sunday Times have become this year’s favourites to scoop the ‘No Shit, Sherlock’ award for journalism.
The award is given to stories that use investigations, evidence, and concrete proof to end up with a shocking revelation that most people thought was already fact, leading them to say ‘no shit, Sherlock’.
Previous winners of the award include The Daily Telegraph with their discovery in 2009 that MPs were dishonest. Continue reading →
After six years and £776m, Edinburgh’s new team service is ready to offer delayed services and the occasional cancelation.
The long awaited public transport system was due to start taking paying passengers at 5:00 this morning, as long as the drivers weren’t on strike, and is said to rival any other system in Britain.
Defending his misogynistic comments on last night’s Question Time, Joey Barton has said although he regrets his off-the-cuff sexism, it can be hard to form a coherent argument under pressure.
“I often make gaffs when forming opinions on things I don’t really understand. Choosing an opinion is like choosing a cell mate, pick the wrong one and you’re buggered. I’ve done it again haven’t I? Continue reading →
Fifa has announced it is to investigate Nigerian goalkeeper, Austin Ejide, after he appeared to throw the ball into his own net during a friendly game with Scotland. He is to be charged with being so blatant he ‘brought corruption into disrepute’.
Speaking from his penthouse suite in a five-star hotel in Qatar, Sepp Blatter said corruption in football was “a fine art that only a very few at the top can master.”
“The way he threw the ball into his own net was an embarrassment,” Blatter explained. “Even the referee disallowed it out of sympathy and to try and give him another go at it.”
“Russia and Qatar wouldn’t have World Cups if they had just given us brown envelopes in front of the cameras, would they?
“Ok, maybe they would but the point is they didn’t. They were much more subtle.”
It was not only the obvious attempt to throw the ball into his own goal that have brought corruption into disrepute during the game.
Suspicions were aroused when he stepped up to take a penalty. The Scotland players tried to tell him he should be attempting to save it but he was adamant he would score. And he would have, had he not still had his boot laces tied together.
His teammates appeared to be unhappy with his blatant attempts to throw the game.
Nigeria defender Azubuike Egwuekw said: “It was embarrassing. I told him to get a grip, but he said he couldn’t, especially not with all the butter he had spread on his gloves.
“Eventually though he changed them, calmed down and let me score a less suspicious own goal. He really could have let the team down.”
Blatter has said that should Austin Ejide be found guilty of bringing corruption into disrepute he will be banned from playing the sport and serving on the Fifa board in the future. Either that or a fine of 500,000USD in used notes delivered to Mr Blatter directly.
Despite claims of voter intimidation and errors with counting, Vladimir Putin looks set to seize power in Tower Hamlets.
Some voters have complained to the council that polling booths were manned by an unmarked militia, brandishing AK-47s and pamphlets about baby oil and topless communism.
Winning Tower Hamlets could be a way for Russia to bypass sanctions on key personnel, once they move into the notorious shit hole and decorate it to look ‘more like Chechnya’. Continue reading →
The recently-announced BMW X7 will be a fully functioning, combat-ready tank, according to an update released by Norbert Reithofer, CEO of the German car makers.
Details have been sparse since the announcement at the end of March that BMW were to begin work on a new flagship addition to their range of X off-roaders, so this update has been welcomed by fans of unnecessarily large cars. Priced at around £5 million each the X7 will also be a real status symbol, with customers limited to the wealthiest of dickheads and some armed forces.
The old saying of ‘it’s more afraid of you than you are of it’ is not even remotely true, according to the massive spider that lives in the corner of your bathroom.
In fact, it is so far from the truth that if you would like to test it out then the spider is more than happy to take you outside and kick your head in. And if you don’t stop staring at him he might just do that anyway. Continue reading →
Following the decision by Michael Gove to remove some famous American literary works from the English Literature opting for more ‘traditionally english’ material such as the Conservative Party 1802 manifesto, he is also planning to ban the use of Arabic Numerals in maths.
“If Ukip’s recent success is anything to go by, then it is clear people want a more nationalist country” Gove explained in statement made in Latin. “That’s why we we intend to bring back good old Roman Numerals, or showing fingers and toes, or beans, the traditional English way.
Harold bee-fancier Chloe Ackroyd is considering suing her employers after they gave her a formal disciplinary warning yesterday. Ackroyd agrees that once again she’d arrived late for work on Saturday but says her boss refused to accept her genuine explanation as valid.
“I’d popped into Dunstable Station to buy a skinny cappuccino and there was a rather tired bee on the platform,” she explained “I couldn’t leave it to be crushed so scooped it up in my cup.” Continue reading →
A local scientist has said he has possibly found a way to make Harold the UK’s first carbon-neutral village.
Using patented ‘testi-scratch energy capture’ technology he believes he can harness the energy created by men scratching themselves on the sofa and use it to heat and power homes around Harold. Continue reading →
Following the relative success of Ukip in the English council election, and their expected results in the European ballot, many right-minded people are now having to backtrack from their pre-election smears.
With casual racism being proven an accepted political position, and the fact you are statistically never more than 15 feet from a Ukip voter, people across the country are now saying “how can I hate racists, some of my best friends are racists”.
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