Massive spider not even slightly scared of you

What are you looking at?

What are you looking at?

The old saying of ‘it’s more afraid of you than you are of it’ is not even remotely true, according to the massive spider that lives in the corner of your bathroom.

In fact, it is so far from the truth that if you would like to test it out then the spider is more than happy to take you outside and kick your head in. And if you don’t stop staring at him he might just do that anyway.

“I’ve been living in the corner above the shower for over a month now and you’ve done nothing about it.” said Steve the spider, who might be one of those False Widow ones that have been in the papers, “I’ve seen you evicting smaller spiders in that time but you’ve left me alone, and now you’re trying to tell me that I’m more afraid of you than you are of me? You’re having a laugh.”

“When I moved suddenly while you were looking at me the other day you actually screamed a little bit. For me to be more scared of you than you are of me I would have to be living in a permanent state of terror, constantly trembling and occasionally soiling myself. And I’m not. In fact, if you want me to prove it I’ll step outside any time you like.”

“I’m not a busy spider, I mostly just sit in my web and wait for a fly to land in it. So you just let me know when you’re ready and we can go any time. I’ll even tie four of my legs behind my back, just to give you a sporting chance.”

Steve added that if you even consider catching him in a pint glass and throwing him out into the garden then he will come back in during the night and dance on your face while you are sleeping.


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2 Responses to Massive spider not even slightly scared of you

  1. Frankly, all spiders are bastards, and most likely go to the loo when it’s their round. The underside of my shoe is too good for em. Er, hang on wait a minute?