Author Archives: waylandsmithy

Natural, healthy, tedious.

With the government advising parents to only allow their children to drink water, Harold Councillor Ron Ronsson has come up with a delicious way of livening up this boring drink:

“Canned drinks can be bad for you, which is why I only give my children water. But if your kids are like mine, then they’re fussy as well as fat: why not follow my simple recipe to help you ‘fancy it up’ a bit?”

• “Presentation is everything! Don’t give them water from an old crisp packet: use some posh glasses and a nice jug. Or consider serving them while dressed up as Batman.”
• “We always fill our jug from the cold tap, it’s something of a family tradition. Then it’s just a case of adding a bottle of food dye, 17 tablespoons of sugar, some phosphoric acid and a pinch of aspartame.”
• “Missing that ‘fizz’? Bubbles aren’t bad for you so give ’em what they want: drop a whole packet of Alka Seltzer in and watch their faces light up!”
• “Nearly there now! Before you let your loved ones tuck in make sure your ‘water’ is nicely blended: I normally give mine a stir with a Mars Bar.”

“And that’s it! I always insist my urchins brush their teeth immediately after, or at least once they’ve slept some of it off. And what do they need to rinse the toothpaste out of their mouths? You guessed it! More of my delicious ‘Ronsson Water’!”