Lotus vows to complete Le Mans 24 hour race in under 8 minutes


A test driver relaxes after a job well done.

Car manufacturer Lotus has pledged to return to Le Mans next year, and shatter the 24 hour barrier.

Using a combination of high octane fuel, boozed-up drivers and second-hand remoulds, chief engineer Bertrand Collins is confident of finishing the event almost before it starts.

“Lotus has a proud history of owners attempting to drive all the way to Le Mans, only to break down in huge numbers right across France”, said Collins.

“So they’re there in spirit, or perhaps in a hired Renault Twingo. That’s the sort of determination and blind optimism we’re hoping to tap into.”

Lotus is building on the experience they’ve gained in Formula 1. This season, they’ve managed to finish many of their races in under 90 seconds.

“Time is relative, few people have an understanding of how it varies with speed, or can appear to stop completely when you teeter on the edge of a black hole”, revealed Collins. “I’ve spent many months teaching my mechanics advanced quantum theory. Although thinking about it, maybe instead I should have shown them how to tighten that fuel hose.”

Pastor Maldonado will drive both of the team’s Le Mans cars, an announcement that will put fear into many of his rivals.

“It certainly makes you reconsider your chances”, said Porsche driver Mark Webber. “But it’s no worries mate. I’ll just increase my life insurance.”

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