Anyone fancy a duck?
A sharp decline in the number of cygnets born in Harold has been blamed on the pornification of swans.
With hardcore swan-on-swan action now widespread on the internet, many younger cobs are no longer satisfied with straight reproductive sex.
Wildlife expert Winston Harris made this claim as his computer was seized by police, a computer he insists is full of research for a book.
“Adolescent boy swans just see young pens as sex objects, something to hiss at for their own gratification”, said Harris. “And it’s not surprising, given that massive waterfowl are as sexy as hell. You should see the one in 50 Shades of Greylag.”
Harris points to the unrealistic body image portrayed by swans in the media, particularly in adverts and his collection of nature documentaries. “It used to be enough to have a long neck and be reasonably bouyant, but now it’s all glistening beaks and endless male preening”, he explained as he showed us 14 hours of carefully edited footage. “No wonder some are turning to cosmetic surgery.”
Moving on to his cellar, a room he jokingly referred to as a ‘dungeon’, Harris pointed out nine stuffed Bewicks that he happened to find there.
“Seven of these were under so much peer pressure, they’ve chosen to have large plastic breasts grafted on”, insisted Harris. “And this one seems to have a fake penis with a vibrating function. It’s pretty large: according to this book, it’s a Whooper.”
The swan expert pointed out that a prediliction for sexual perversions would inevitably reduce the number of successful matings. “Swans used to mate for life brazenly in the open, but who knows what they now do in private? It’s very frustrating, because I did like to watch.”
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