A sharp decline in the number of cygnets born in Harold has been blamed on the pornification of swans.
With hardcore swan-on-swan action now widespread on the internet, many younger cobs are no longer satisfied with straight reproductive sex.
Wildlife expert Winston Harris made this claim as his computer was seized by police, a computer he insists is full of research for a book.
“Adolescent boy swans just see young pens as sex objects, something to hiss at for their own gratification”, said Harris. “And it’s not surprising, given that massive waterfowl are as sexy as hell. You should see the one in 50 Shades of Greylag.”