Acknowledged as one of the all time greats, Nelson Mandela has retired after a glorious career.
Widely tipped to last the Wimbledon fortnight, it was a shock when the South African finally caved in after a marathon struggle which the entire world watched breathlessly from the edge of their seats. Continue reading
The future Duke & Duchess?
Although he is the bookies’ favourite for a top honour, David Beckham has revealed that he may reject a knighthood if it was offered to him on the grounds that his pouty wife, Victoria, feels that the “Lady” title has been devalued after being conferred upon Lady Gaga.
Speaking at the launch of ‘The Class of ‘92’, a film in which some stupidly rich footballers return to school to learn basic mathematics to enable them to count their vast millions, the best footballer ever admitted that his iconic designer wife had misgivings about becoming just plain Lady Beckham. Continue reading
Mocha Regrets
Harold’s annual Christmas Fayre will be held at the weekend and promises to be another exciting occasion.
The sensation of last year’s event was Mavis Bottomley’s Nettle & Blackcurrant Jelly which she later revealed had been strained through a vintage pair underpants belonging to her husband, Ted, to “obtain that unique earthy flavour”.
This year the couple have had a crack at producing their own human civet coffee. “Initially we tried enlisting the assistance of the cat, but eventually Ted threw his hat into the ring and we started production,” said Mavis.
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Filed under Around Harold, Food, News
The long running legal dispute over the remains of Richard III has been resolved with his bones being shared between dog homes located in Leicester and York.
It’s so beautiful: John Cleese can’t hide his delight as he spots another royalty cheque.
T H E A T R E
R E V I E W
The zany members of the immortal comedy team, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, appeared live on stage last night for the first time in fifty years in an effort to raise much needed nursing home fees.
Performing their best known gags from their ever fading memories, it was only thanks to the prompting of the audience that they even got through the opening Cheese Shop Sketch after Michael Plain became lost and bewildered after John Cleese’s entrance to his place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles. Continue reading
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Filed under News, Showbusiness
A man found battered to death on waste ground is believed to have been killed simply because he was not wearing a Remembrance Day poppy. His death is being treated by police as a ‘charity initiative that may have gone a little too far’.
Ironically, the victim, named locally as Roland Richardson, was himself a veteran of the Falklands conflict. Although he was not wearing a poppy on the day of his death, it is thought that this was simply because he had not transferred his poppy to his jacket when going out that morning.
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Eight out of ten cat owners have complained that their moggies have started to emit a smell similar to that of a new laptop computer.
Although the pong, first reported in September, has been identified by boffins as being identical to Dell’s Latitude 6430u laptop, experts are baffled by the cause of the ‘Dell Smell’ phenomenon. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News
What goes up, must stay up.
In an attempt to avoid increasing energy bills, Harold resident, Julie Kettle, has found herself back with her original energy provider after assiduously following Government advice by changing suppliers six times in three weeks to take advantage of the apparent competition.
“At the start of this my provider was SSE,” said Mrs Kettle, “so I was rather distraught when they announced that they were pushing up their bills by 8.2%. The last straw for me was when they announced that their Economy 7 tariff was now going to become ‘Economy 7.57’ in line with the price rise.” Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
Leaked information from ITV HQ had revealed the list of Wannabes and Has-beens competing for the title of “I’m Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 2013”.
It promises to be a fiery fortnight with a number of the celebs having publically fallen out big time in recent months. In addition all the old favourite ingredients are included with bikini totty, beefcake and the usual veteran DJ, just about the only one who isn’t awaiting trial somewhere.
No expense has been spared in ensuring that the jungle contains the names you want to see – as well as several you’ve never heard of.
The List in Full: Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, News
It has emerged that badgers are not the only creatures being killed in the Gloucestershire cull aimed at restricting the spread of bovine TB. Statistics released last night revealed that the death toll to date includes 798 badgers, 15 giant pandas, 7 nuns, a Goth, and an abandoned piano.
Although wildlife experts were horrified at the loss of the panda colony, a Defra spokesman tried to put a positive spin. ‘This is good news,’ he said, “because we had no idea there was a flourishing panda community in the West Country. Of course, it’s probably not flourishing now, but it’s nice to know that it had been there.” Continue reading
Being a responsible news organ we can’t publish ‘The Photos’ but this should give you the general idea.
The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief when a court injunction was awarded yesterday preventing the Daily Mail’s from publishing a collection of photos of Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, enjoying a relaxing beach holiday with his wife, Irene, ahead of this week’s Conservative Party Conference.
Alongside the banned photographs, the Mail had intended to publish a story commenting upon his ‘unbelievable body’ and ‘skimpy beach shorts’. Continue reading
Managers will have to dig their own dug outs
Stung by accusations of incompetence following the decision to play the 2022 World Cup Finals in the desert heat of Qatar, FIFA have responded by awarding the 2026 Finals to Antarctica.
“We’ve learnt our lessons from the Qatar debacle”, insisted Sepp Blatter, “so to avoid the higher temperatures of the summer months, the Antarctican matches will be played in the winter.” Continue reading
Personal delivery service – can come to yours. Apply: Dimon Selaney (still not my real name) 01998 254788
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Filed under Advertisments, Sex, smallads
See me after the lesson …
With the end of the summer holidays fast approaching, the traditional ‘Back to School’ range for schoolchildren has been joined in the nation’s shops with a range of clothing for teachers wishing to freshen up their wardrobe for the start of term.
‘The leading stores have done their maths homework and realised that there is a market of 500,000 teachers out there’ said merchandising expert, Danny Foster, ‘so it is no surprise that they have latched on to this market.
Whilst the perennial ‘Geog Teacher’ range, featuring a brown cord jacket and elbow patches, remains a popular classic it has been joined by a number of more exciting, racier items as teachers try to identify with reluctant teenage learners. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News, Sex
Come on out with your paws up
Tiddles the cat, described in court as a ‘notorious mouse molester’ was found guilty yesterday of harassment likely to lead to the grievous bodily harm of a fellow animal.
The trial was conducted without the appearance of the unamed victim, who is believed to be holed up, having gone into hiding, but legal representatives entered a guilty plea on behalf of Tiddles, 6, due to the overwhelming evidence against the feline felon.
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News, Politics
Green or Brown?
The farmer whose field has been occupied by anti fracking eco warriors has hit out at way the protesters treated his land.
Although the protesters have been very careful to organise regular recycling collections for refuse, they have refused to use port-a-loos due to the perceived pollution risks from the toilets’ chemical cleaning agents, preferring to use ‘more natural’ disposal methods.
“It all very well that MP wiping her arse with a dock leaf in the interests of communing with nature, but the end product still has to be cleared from the hedge,” said Harold farmer, Lionel Garage. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Nature, News
Left Back in the past
Following discussions with human rights campaigner Peter Tachell, the Police have decreed that all chants and songs will be monitored to ensure that they are appropriate and politically balanced at all times.
Failure to adhere to the new rules could result in a ban and fans will be unable to travel to Brazil to support England in the World Cup. Not that they will be allowed to only support England as that would be biased which is strictly prohibited.
As the traditional “We hate Nottingham Forest” song is now outlawed, the Evening Harold has provided the following a new song for fans everywhere: Continue reading
Forgotten anything?
A Health and Safety expert has issued a warning following the death of local stuntman, Dave Dunnit, who jumped from a helicopter without a parachute yesterday.
“Although investigations have yet to be concluded, it would appear that the cause of death was most probably jumping out of the aircraft without a parachute,” commented the HSE man. “Unless the aircraft in which you are travelling is actually about to crash, we would strongly recommend against jumping out; especially without a parachute since the belief that you can glide to earth like a bird, is at best misguided.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News
The Dizzy Heights Hotel
Overseas tourist officials they are baffled by Benidorm Bungee, a syndrome which has caused an increasing number of young holidaymakers to plunge to their death from hotel balconies for no apparent reason.
The syndrome, named after the resort where it first occurred, only seems to affect British tourists, striking them down in the early hours of the morning without warning. Most of its victims are young with no previous balance or health issues.
Stacey Briggs, 21, lost Darren, her boyfriend of two days, to an attack of Benidorm Bungee whilst on holiday in Magaluf in June. “We’d just got back to my hotel room after ending up at that El Tequila Slammer Bar. As I was chucking up, Darren said he would get some air on the balcony and, then, he was gone. It was all so sudden. He didn’t even say goodbye.” Continue reading
Here are ten more lesser known facts about the royal birth
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Filed under International News, News, Royals
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