If you don’t know what occasion this picture is a record of then count yourself very lucky.
Prince Edward is fifty today! In celebration we are proud to list his achievements and the reasons he’s a national treasure. Continue reading
Author Archives: Max C-F
Chancellor vows to end food bank bonus culture
Volunteers take up to ten minutes out of every shift to have a cup of tea. Is there no limit to their self-indulgence?
George Osborne has vowed to end food bank bonus culture calling the practice “grossly unfair” and “out of step with these times of austerity.”
The Chancellor’s declaration comes after the publishing of a report he commissioned into volunteer behaviour at food banks which saw spies infiltrate food banks up and down the country. Continue reading
BBC defends new show: ‘Famous, Rich and Sat Naked in a Puddle’
Before the financial crisis rain and puddles were fun.
The BBC have defended their new show Famous, Rich and Sat Naked in a Puddle against allegations that it is nothing more than poverty porn. Producer Richard McKerrow has denied that teaming celebrities with “naked losers” and filming them sitting together sans clothes in a puddle for seven days is in any way exploitative or demeaning. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
Ukraine latest: media transfixed as white people hover on brink of war
Meanwhile soldiers from Blah march off to engage their enemy in the Democratic Republic of No One Gives A Toss
The media today remains transfixed by the crisis in the Ukraine as the prospect of white people going to war with each other is given blanket 24/7 coverage. James Harding, Director of News and Current Affairs at the BBC denied that race was an issue.
“The reason the BBC is giving so much coverage to Ukraine while conflicts in other parts of the world particularly Africa go virtually unreported has nothing to do with skin colour,” he said. “This is about sex appeal not race.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News
All welcome at Coalition Pancake Toss (terms and conditions apply)
A bunch of tossers: sometimes this stuff writes itself
In a gesture of goodwill the government has invited everyone to the House of Commons today for pancakes. However before making their way to Westminster people are being urged to read ministers’ statements about the pancakes in order to determine if they meet the criteria. Continue reading
Happy St David’s Day: England + Wales 4 eva n a day
You’ll never leave us, will you? What? No, we’re not coming on strong just because Scotland’s upset us. We love you Wales, you’ve always been our favourite and we mean that. We really, really do.
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Filed under Politics
Ukip councillor blames gay marriage for Piers Morgan returning to the UK
The wages of sin is this face on our televisions forever.
Piers Morgan has been axed from CNN and will undoubtedly be returning to live and work in the UK. As most Britons consider packing a case and heading for the exits one Ukip councillor has blamed this latest blow to the nation’s morale on David Cameron and the legalisation of gay marriage. Continue reading
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Filed under News, Politics, Showbusiness
Things ain’t what they used to be: Church says new atheists are crap
“‘Jesus is the tooth fairy for adults’ – is that the best you’ve got?”
A local bishop has attacked new atheists for their laziness. “I’m entirely bored of people saying to me that all Roman Catholic priests are kiddie-fiddlers and forwarding me copies of Willy Wonka condescension memes involving the phrase ‘beardy sky man’,” said the Most Reverend Stanislaus McNamee, Bishop of Dunstable. “Is that it? Am I honestly expected to renounce my faith over a two minute YouTube clip of George Carlin?” Continue reading
Filed under Religion
Chancellor says unbalanced economy is lovely
“More money for us.”
Atos to lose contract: fit-for-work assessments to be carried out by squirrels from next year
A squirrel: infinitely more well-qualified than Iain Duncan Smith
A leaked document from the Department of Work and Pensions has shown that the government is preparing to ditch controversial French owned company Atos Healthcare. Now, The Evening Harold can exclusively reveal that from 2015 onwards the administration of fit-for-work tests for those in receipt of Employment and Support Allowance will be carried out by squirrels. Continue reading
Flood crisis latest: BNP announce they’re building an ark
It’ll be just like this only everyone and everything will be terribly unhappy
There was surprise this morning as Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, slithered out from under his rock to announce that the BNP’s solution to the flooding crisis is to build an ark.
“The ark won’t be open to everyone,” Griffin said. “It’s a British ark or Bark as we like to call it. The only people allowed on board will be pure Brits with generations of British blood flowing through their veins and who exemplify the best this great nation has to offer just like Churchill, Brunel, Agatha Christie and our beloved royal family.” Continue reading
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Filed under News
Scots can’t leave UK and keep Buckfast Tonic Wine says Chancellor
Hands off, Scotland. This is England’s precious.
Though only six days have passed since David Cameron attempted to love bomb Scotland into voting against independence in the forthcoming referendum saying he couldn’t bear to see the “the most extraordinary country in history” torn apart, the government has now ditched the nice approach and gone for the jugular saying that Buckfast Tonic Wine would not be exported to an independent Scotland. Continue reading
Is the Prime Minister a lizard? Many find proof of his true nature in flood visit footage
David Cameron off-duty: chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool.
Seekers of the truth are today convinced that they are on to something with David Cameron’s behaviour as he visits areas hit by flooding being taken by many as proof that he is in fact a giant lizard.
“He just looks too comfortable in that environment,” said Harold resident Adam Cassidy. “I’ve been watching all the footage of him striding about in his Wellington boots and black fleece then discussing it with my friends on wakeupsheeple.com. Look how Cameron doesn’t listen to anyone and can’t convey convincing emotion when people are showing him their devastated homes. I bet he was itching to cast off his disguise and swim freely with the flood water playing over his scales.” Continue reading
Eton College threatened by floods: Environment Agency’s resources suddenly limitless
A playing field at Eton: more important than you, your families or your homes could ever be to this government
As the Thames bursts its banks and parts of Berkshire flooded the Environment Agency swung into action with an ongoing and limitlessly resourced operation sanctioned by the government to ensure that not one inch of Eton College’s four hundred acres of grounds gets even slightly damp. Continue reading
Filed under environment, Weather
How to beat Flappy Bird: Step-by-step guide
Such a simple idea and yet so difficult to do well. Just like communism or a sitcom on ITV
Step two: pick up hammer.
Step three: apply hammer to iPad.
Congratulations you have just beaten Flappy Bird. Now go outside and get some fresh air.
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Filed under Entertainment, Technology
Scotland’s rugby trouncing proves they need England says Cameron
Scotland, he disciplines because he loves
In a hastily and smugly arranged press conference that took place as soon as the final whistle was blown David Cameron has said that Scotland’s 0 – 20 trouncing by England in the rugby union Calcutta Cup proved how much Scotland needs England and that Scottish independence simply would not work. Continue reading
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Filed under Sport
Screw you Poseidon: toughened by failed cull badgers thrive and evolve in Somerset floods
Who amongst us does not have swimming with badgers on their bucket list?
While floods continue to cause misery for the people of Somerset they have proved to be extremely good news for badgers whose population is not just thriving and growing but to the surprise of naturalists becoming tool-using. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, environment
Winter Olympics and smug Facebook posts about boycotting them begin
Look how hard it is to boycott something that’s on at 5:00 am.
As the Winter Olympics are officially opened in Sochi this afternoon it heralds the start not just of days of thrilling winter sports but also of people posting smug Facebook updates about not watching them.
We asked one such poster why they felt the need to do this. “I want everyone to know that I’m really aware of gay rights and stuff,” replied Harold resident Jason Beesley. “Plus if I come across as sensitive maybe women will want to sleep with me.” Continue reading
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Filed under Sport
Unleash hell! Britain overwhelmingly pro-war now the Taliban’s kidnapped a dog
If the Taliban steal the British Army’s kittens as well then polls indicate that 98% of us would advocate the use of nuclear weapons.
Britain has become overwhelmingly pro-war overnight following the news that the Taliban has kidnapped one of the British Army’s bomb disposal dogs after it was loaned to US Special Forces.
“I didn’t really care about the war,” said Harold resident Melanie Delaney. “I’m mean it’s been going on for so long, like I was in junior school when it started, but now the Taliban have kidnapped a dog we should totally kill them all.” Continue reading
Iain Duncan Smith stops all benefits for flood scroungers
Having a bit of trouble getting in is no reason not to attend work.
Iain Duncan Smith has stopped all benefits for people living in flooded areas after branding them all scroungers.
“Just because your home and community are underwater that’s no reason not to be making a contribution to society like millions of hard-working tax-payers up and down the country,” the Secretary for Work and Pensions said. “It has come to my attention that those in receipt of benefits and living in the worst hit areas for flooding are responsible for shockingly high rates of workplace and job centre absenteeism and this is unacceptable.” Continue reading
Filed under environment, News
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