In a hastily and smugly arranged press conference that took place as soon as the final whistle was blown David Cameron has said that Scotland’s 0 – 20 trouncing by England in the rugby union Calcutta Cup proved how much Scotland needs England and that Scottish independence simply would not work.
“We thrashed you to teach you an important lesson,” the Prime Minister said. “Just like a parent playing in the nursery can’t always let their child win at snakes-and-ladders because it’s vital that they experience what it is like to lose we whitewashed you and ground your faces into your foul nematode infested pitch so you could learn that we’re the daddy and you need us.”
As he pressed home his belief that England and Scotland are better together Cameron said that Scotland would be allowed to triumph at some stuff to keep their self-esteem up.
“We’ll let Andy Murray continue winning tennis matches wearing a Union Jack and we’ll carry on supporting Scotland making a massive contribution to the economy through North Sea oil. These are things that makes us all feel good. Just as England rugby fans are feeling very good right now.”
“You did your best Scotland but it wasn’t enough. Now, once the dust has settled we’ll all have a cup of tea and say no more about this independence nonsense. How does that sound?”