Scots can’t leave UK and keep Buckfast Tonic Wine says Chancellor


Hands off, Scotland. This is England’s precious.

Though only six days have passed since David Cameron attempted to love bomb Scotland into voting against independence in the forthcoming referendum saying he couldn’t bear to see the “the most extraordinary country in history” torn apart, the government has now ditched the nice approach and gone for the jugular saying that Buckfast Tonic Wine would not be exported to an independent Scotland.

In a petulant speech given in Edinburgh this morning George Osborne said: “The stakes couldn’t be higher or the choice clearer. The certainty and syrupy high of Bucky or the uncertainty and risk of brewing your own. At the very heart of this choice is the bottle on your shelf and the very real prospect of having to drink 20/20 instead.”

In a curiously blank tone, which witnesses described as being reminiscent of that of the villain from Se7en, the Chancellor called the idea of a Scotland without Buckfast Tonic Wine “patently absurd” before making it clear that it will become a reality if Scotland becomes independent.

“I don’t have a vote on 18th September,” Osborne said. “But I know where I stand. Buckfast Tonic Wine is one of the oldest and most successful wines in the world. I want Scotland to keep it and the near coma-like oblivion it brings.”

He also said some stuff about the pound but that has already been widely debunked as sensationalist scaremongering with no actual connection to reality. However it is rumoured that Osborne’s other threat, that of ensuring that Doctor Who would never be broadcast in an independent Scotland, is being taken very seriously by senior figures in the SNP.


Filed under News, Politics

33 Responses to Scots can’t leave UK and keep Buckfast Tonic Wine says Chancellor

  1. Oh no Ozzy not the Buckfast, what will our skeemy neds drink? You’ve just given most Scots a reason to voteyes. Keep your crappy alcoholic Ribena.

  2. We’ll keep our Whiskey then! No buckie in Scotland might clean up the youth. It tastes like crap anyway!

  3. Never tried Buckfast but sure its just as good as champagne !!

  4. Im a 41 year old responsable man and love it. Booze runs to Buckfast will have to be on the agenda now. 😉

  5. If they don’t export Buckfast to Scotland, no one else will buy it! They’ll never let that happen!

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  7. Pathetic really from Westminster their threats of no sales to Scotland! Playground tactics, quite sad really…Que sera sera 🙂

  8. If they can’t sell Bucky in Scotland they might as well declare bankruptcy now…

  9. They really are desperate mow . all they have done is make the YES campiagn even stronger , Personally myself i preferred Thunderbird and the auld gut rot LD hahaha .

  10. Pingback: Should Scotland be an independent country? - Page 7 - London Fixed-gear and Single-speed

  11. good keep it, you’v just lost 2 million + in revenue haha a bigger nail in ENGLANDS coffin

  12. the threat of not viewing Dr Who In Scotland let me think … that not the choice of the people of Wales seeing as it is writen ,produced and shot in Wales by BBC Wales non the less …..only saying !!

  13. what on earth is going on! does this government realise how much of a laughing stock they are making of themselves all over the world .there supposed to be leaders not children .and then they want Scotland to be part of this charade . like acting like a parent would with a naughty child .I will take your sweets away if you don’t behave . grow up and never question Scotlands right to independence or threaten it again .you need Scotland it does not need you

  14. jenib1571

    Guys, you do all realise that this is a COMEDY site?

    I totally understand that we’ve all seen some really stupid stories and scaremongering in the run up to the referendum, but the clue’s in the name of the website!

    Fair dos, it’s a really well written story, but Westminster can’t actually prevent a product like Buckfast being sold anywhere.

    Have a read of some the other stories on site, you’ll get a feel for how subtle and clever their satirical twist on news stories is!

  15. Satire isn’t for everyone.

  16. obviously it’s all a joke, but it’s still funny,nice to see a lighter side of this subject coming to the fore

  17. The quicker Scotland goes independent and rids itself of this crap the better all it does is cause trouble and its only the lowest scum that drink it of course !

  18. Well that’s fine they can keep it, we’ll just take back our oil and water.

    It’s about time Scotland took back what is rightfully ours!!!!

  19. I cannot believe people are actually believing this bit of fun

  20. Investors required for Buckfast Tonic Wine Bar, location – the very north of England… excellent ROI potential – go/no go decision point 19/9/14

  21. Only a rumour but I’ve heard that Alex Trout is thinking of banning haggis exports to England in retaliation.

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  23. next they’ll be telling us no bacon or eggs will be exported to Scotland ………….the mans a deluded diddy

  24. Maybe it’s time we made our own Buckie. As for Dr Who, so the government own the BBC then…..

  25. Pingback: The End of Buckfast – Is Scotland's National Drink Under Threat? | Ed Uncovered

  26. Funnier than the articles on this site are the comments from irate readers who are too stupid to realise it’s just satire…