Flood crisis latest: BNP announce they’re building an ark


It’ll be just like this only everyone and everything will be terribly unhappy

There was surprise this morning as Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, slithered out from under his rock to announce that the BNP’s solution to the flooding crisis is to build an ark.

“The ark won’t be open to everyone,” Griffin said. “It’s a British ark or Bark as we like to call it. The only people allowed on board will be pure Brits with generations of British blood flowing through their veins and who exemplify the best this great nation has to offer just like Churchill, Brunel, Agatha Christie and our beloved royal family.”

The press conference then briefly descended into chaos when journalists pointed out that all the individuals named were half-British and that the royal family’s racial heritage is complicated. Scuffles broke out and Griffin was seen to repeatedly stamp his foot and scream “Brunel’s dad was not French. He bloody wasn’t!” as if that would make it true.

Once order was restored Griffin shared more details of the Bark and displayed detailed architectural drawings all of which featured a massive anchor on a huge chain.

“That’s because that while the Bark will float it will not sail anywhere. Even if Britain’s underwater we know she’s still the best country in the world  so we’ll wait above her until the waters recede and then rebuild her properly and with a big wall around her as God intended.”

On being asked when construction of the Bark was expected to be completed Griffin admitted that it hadn’t started yet because the BNP were having trouble getting builders.

“We will begin shortly,” he declared. “Just as soon as we can find builders who can build the Bark to schedule and on budget. Unfortunately the only ones we’ve found so far who are capable of doing so are Polish.”

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