A man has said he is disappointed, upset and overall confused at the new charges on his recent mobile phone bill. The new fees included excess baggage, extra legroom and a large fee for paying his bill by credit card.
“I called my provider and they confirmed the new charges were a result of me putting my phone into ‘airplane mode’,” he told us.
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The person behind the one pound coin, the so-called ‘Britcoin’, is alleged to be a reclusive 87 year old Windsor woman known as ‘the Queen’.
Britcoins are a widely used used offline currency that varies widely in value. While they can be used for legitimate purposes, they are commonly used to anonymously pay for drugs, prostitutes, and Starbucks coffees.
The identity of the woman pictured on the Britcoin has long been a mystery, but reporters from the Daily Mail are convinced that the mysterious ‘Elizabeth 11’ is actually a wealthy landowner who now calls herself ‘the Queen’. The reporters say the Queen has stockpiled over a billion Britcoins, but still relies on others to pay her bills.
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Filed under Business, Royals, Technology
Back from the dead?
The Pope, 77, was seen in difficulties shortly after the start of the service and had to cut his sermon down to a mere 75 minutes.
Questions about his health have seriously raised the possibility of the return of Pope Benedict who resigned the papacy only last year, ironically due to health issues. Vatican insiders have suggested that Francis may be forced to take a break whilst he regains his strength, which has paved the way for a symbolic resurrection for Benedict in time for Easter.
Whilst Francis was portrayed as a vigorous youth when compared with his predecessor, it has to be acknowledged that in civilian life he would be regarded as an old codger who spends most of his time in post office queues grumbling about Eastern Europeans. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Religion
They contain dangerous toxins and absolutely NO fresh air.
Harold inventor Simon Delaney’s new household sprays have brought a ‘breath of fresh air into our homes’. That’s the verdict on Simon’s new range of pork-based air fresheners given by workers at Dunstable Cotton Laundry.
“I work all day in an atmosphere of freshly-laundered cotton,” said Marge Pellet, “so the last thing I need when I get home is to find my husband has sprayed the entire bungalow with Tesco’s Cotton Fresh air spray. Men, eh?”
But Delaney’s new Frying Rindless Back Rashers flavour air freshener has brought Marge a new sense of joy when she returns from work and may even have saved her marriage. “I used to linger outside, picking up twigs and straightening the bins, but now I catch that distinctive whiff of a bacon butty coming down the path and I can’t wait to get indoors and sink my teeth into something meaty,” she said.
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Filed under Aggressively Tested, Around Harold, Europe, Farming, Lifestyle
Before the financial crisis rain and puddles were fun.
The BBC have defended their new show Famous, Rich and Sat Naked in a Puddle against allegations that it is nothing more than poverty porn. Producer Richard McKerrow has denied that teaming celebrities with “naked losers” and filming them sitting together sans clothes in a puddle for seven days is in any way exploitative or demeaning. Continue reading
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Apparently, it’s a TV channel.
The BBC has announced plans to make viewers not watch BBC 3 online, instead of not watching it on Freeview. The move, which could save around £3 million a year, still leaves the channel costing an infinite amount per engaged licence fee-payer.
Some people are campaigning against the change, insisting that they should still be able to ignore the channel’s terrestrial output.
“It’s very inconvenient, I don’t watch the channel every night. And sometimes I record it, so I can not watch it later”, complained Pippa Delaney. “But I know the youths these days prefer to not watch something on their iPhones or tablets. So I suppose with 4G, they can now not watch it on the bus.”
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Filed under Art, breaking news, Culture, Technology
Maybe this is a bit of a giveaway to photographers looking for a story
The Ministry of Defence is supporting a new charity to help those ministers and senior civil servants who have difficulty walking in public without displaying papers to the cameras of waiting journalists.
‘Help for Zeroes’ was named in recognition of the lowest number of active brain cells held by an idiot leaving a briefing session in Downing Street, carrying Top Secret documents face-outwards. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, International News, News, Politics
Meanwhile soldiers from Blah march off to engage their enemy in the Democratic Republic of No One Gives A Toss
The media today remains transfixed by the crisis in the Ukraine as the prospect of white people going to war with each other is given blanket 24/7 coverage. James Harding, Director of News and Current Affairs at the BBC denied that race was an issue.
“The reason the BBC is giving so much coverage to Ukraine while conflicts in other parts of the world particularly Africa go virtually unreported has nothing to do with skin colour,” he said. “This is about sex appeal not race.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News
I’m used to the cold, but this cold would get right into my bones if I had any
An ancient virus has come back to life after lying dormant for at least 30,000 years and immediately started grumbling about the weather, rude young people, and how everything was better ‘in its day’.
Found frozen in a deep layer of Siberian permafrost the virus was thawed out by French scientists and became infectious once again, before spending fully three hours complaining about everything from the incessant rain to not being able to understand smart phones. Continue reading
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A bunch of tossers: sometimes this stuff writes itself
In a gesture of goodwill the government has invited everyone to the House of Commons today for pancakes. However before making their way to Westminster people are being urged to read ministers’ statements about the pancakes in order to determine if they meet the criteria. Continue reading
Boris Johnson’s plans to have radicalised children removed from their home seems to have backfired when social workers began taking children out of his old school, Eton.
The Mayor of London said the idea was to try to rehabilitate people that have been brainwashed into thinking they are somehow better than everyone else, and were likely to try and harm others in later years.
“As soon as we were made aware of the scheme we looked around the community to identify any radicalised children,” the head of social services in Windsor told us.
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Fears were expressed for the mental health of athlete Oscar Pistorius, after he bounded into his trial kissed the guard on both cheeks and launched into an acceptance speech thanking “the producers, my parents and, of course, my wonderful girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, without who none of this would have been possible.”
Medical experts believe that Pistorius, the self-styled Blade Runner, may be suffering from a condition known as Oscar Fever which leaves victims believing they are starring in a movie and events of everyday real life are a screenplay they are acting out. It is a common affliction in places such as Hollywood. Continue reading
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Filed under News, Showbusiness
Staining story widely leaked on internet
The pressure to appear even thinner is behind the “sew-on” dress craze among leading actresses, and while the figure hugging dresses are perfect for the short photo-shoot, they proved to be less than functional in an Oscar night stretching over many hours.
Leading blogger Perez Hilton said everything appeared normal when the stars arrived and chatted with the fans as they walked down the famous carpet, but then the floodgates opened.
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Filed under Entertainment, Golden Showers
Kensington Palace has announced that as part of his ongoing ‘King’ training, Prince George will join the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on a first-class, all expenses paid trip to New Zealand and Australia.
“It’s not like he had anything else to to,” a palace spokesman told us.
“At the moment he just kind of sits there in a bouncy throne, with people feeding him and wiping his arse, and generally doing not a lot. So all in all his king training is going much better than we could have expected.”
Some are seeing this as yet another example of the Royal Family modernising with the parents of a royal child actually choosing to have him around.
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Filed under International News, News, Royals
Despite the criticism Newcastle United’s Alan Pardew has received from the public, football experts and Robbie Savage for his headbutt on a Hull player, Ed Miliband has said he can see the merits of the management technique of ‘laying one on the nut’ of the opposition’s team.
‘I wouldn’t normally advocate violence unless it involved an army, dodgy evidence and was in a country far from here” the Labour leader said.
“But after watching Match of the Day, the more I think about it the more I can see the benefits of moving Michael Gove out of my way in the voting lobby by “pushing him” with my head. Continue reading
There was a further blow to PM David Cameron’s pledges on immigration yesterday when it was revealed that the Romanian version of pensioners’ favourite, ‘Escape to the Country’, consistently promotes the England as the best country for economic refugees seeking a fresh start.
The show, which has become a cult classic at the GCHQ reconnaissance centre, follows a similar format to the British version but instead of looking at homes, prospective emigrant couples are shown around three countries, two meeting their exact specifications and then a mystery country which is a little different and always turns out to be England.
In the programme we watched, Natalia and Ovidiu Demestrescu from Bucharest told a Romanian Aled Jones that they were looking for a European country with character, period features and good social services to accommodate the six children they were planning. They had a budget of zero to play with.
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Even Farage's pets had skeletons in their closets
With potential Ukip members now being asked to make sure they have no ‘skeletons in their closets’, museums up and down the UK are preparing for an unprecedented amount of new artifacts to display.
The new rules for potential candidates includes declarations such as “I have never been engaged in… racist activity”, “I do not have any skeletons in the cupboard”, and “I have never, in any way, acted like Godfrey Bloom”.
This move by the party has led to the hurried emptying of closets that has left the Harold Natural History Museum inundated with artifacts to add to its otherwise mundane collection.
You’ll never leave us, will you? What? No, we’re not coming on strong just because Scotland’s upset us. We love you Wales, you’ve always been our favourite and we mean that. We really, really do.
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Filed under Politics
Shod cats can’t scratch, but still pack a mean punch.
A business that specialises in fitting metal shoes to cats has split opinions amongst the good people of Harold.
With the number of horses surrounding the village remaining fairly constant in recent decades, Nigel Thorvald has struggled to find a way of expanding his business. That was until he struck on the idea of shoeing cats.
Thorvald comes from a long line of blacksmiths and farriers, and has never struggled to make ends meet. “Although you’re not supposed to do that on horseshoes”, he told us. “You’re supposed to leave a gap.”
Thorvald had been content with his lot, until his bank suggested he meet their business development manager.
“It was supposed to be a chat but he made me feel worthless”, said Thorvald. “So I took out a loan, some insurance and paid for an advertising virus. And from that point on, I will not rest until all the animals, birds and fish of Harold are shod in little metal shoes of my making. Because if I do, they’ll take away my house.”
Hand-beaten cat shoes have become fashionable with the sort of people who live in executive housing; the sort who are always looking for new ways to pamper their pets.
“Mr Super Paws is now Mr Even Superer Paws, thanks to these crescents of metal and some powerful glue”, said Gill Gates. “You can tell they’re good ones because they’re really heavy, my spoiled little kitten always lands on his feet. Only now, he tends to leave dents.”
Thorvald explained that shoes for different animals have to be made from different metals. “For instance, for Evans’ Gloucester Old Spots, I use pig iron. For cats, it’s fel-iron. And for donkeys? For them, I use ee-ore.”
Due to the unique way Thorvald folds the metal, his cat shoes are powerfully magnetic. This makes the cats that he’s shod ideal for use as car bonnet ornaments, fridge memo holders and pipe lagging.
“My shoes certainly bring the critters together, it’s pure animal magnetism”, explained Thorvald. “Although you can separate them if you have a strong enough crowbar. The only downside is that most of them can’t climb trees any more. But you should see how fast the buggers can get up a lamp post.”
Thorvald is working on a more permanent way of attaching his footwear than glue, but is worried about people with food allergies. “I’d advise intollerant cat owners to stick with the glue. Some people have a terrible reaction to cat shoe nuts.”
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Filed under Pets, Technology, Vikings
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