She doesn’t believe you accidentally fell on the vacuum cleaner nozzle either.
Amid concerns that the NHS’s 111 non-emergency helpline is inadequately staffed and unsafe the village of Harold has replaced it with a freephone number answered by Ruby Butler, 83.
“It’s the perfect system,” said local GP, Clive Evans. “A significant proportion of those who access the NHS are time wasters. Since Ruby’s become the gatekeeper they’ve vanished faster than an X Factor winner’s career.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Health, News
The UK’s finest Vegetable substitute
Are you having trouble convincing your children to eat their vegetables? Are you a carnivore that struggles to get your recommended daily amount of meat? Are you just looking for a way to improve your evening meal? Then why not try PorQu.
Pope attributes his softening to age.
Pope Francis has revealed a softening on the Vatican’s homosexual position, insisting ‘you shouldn’t knock it until you’ve at least given it a try’.
Reflecting changing views in society and a new, more fluffy form of catholicism, the 266th Pope admitted he was partial to the odd ‘pink pound’.
“It’s a question of balance and including as many people as possible”, suggested His Holiness. “I’d be glad to be gay, although I draw the line at letting someone pop it in.”
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Presenter ‘basically a sausage and cardboard’
The BBC has again been forced to apologise for Top Gear, after it was revealed that Richard Hammond’s personality had been faked.
Hammond, a 4’9″ pile of crudely moulded spam, has been used by the show regularly to make up the number of oafs. But audiences weren’t explicitly told that he was a shaped heap of minced cheap cuts, a situation the BBC admitted was ‘regrettable’.
“When we agreed to Clarkson’s demands for a meat-based dwarf gollum, we didn’t think anyone would take it too seriously”, insisted BBC Apologizer Quentin Sharpes. “It’s pretty obvious it’s just made from hair gel and the eyes of a Slow Loris, topped off with a massively oversized watch.”
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Iain Duncan Smith was almost unrecognisable
Duncan Smith said the idea came to him when he visited the Westminster McDonalds and he noticed that none of the employee of the month winners were still working there.
“There they were posing in a photo with a McDonalds uniform, a silly hat, and a forced smile” said Duncan Smith. “Obviously the humiliation of it all meant they soon got another job and left. We thought the same concept could work with beneficiaries.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, News
Mister Super Paws: the purrfect speaker. Eh? Eh? Oh please yourselves.
Members of Harold Council were left red-faced after trying to liven their last meeting up by holding it in true House of Commons style.
“It was a hot night and we were all a bit bored,” said Eileen Remnant, Chair of the Planning Committee. “So we thought we’d have a some fun and pretend to be real politicians.”
In the absence of a Speaker quick-thinking council members secured the services of Mister Super Paws, the village’s favourite kitten, who was content to sit on a chair in exchange for a tied-up handkerchief full of catnip. Once in place council members began their debate over recycling bins in the manner that MPs would. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
Harold became the first village in Britain to actively encourage Romanian gypsies after its council voted to fund a makeshift campsite on Harold Common. However, any thoughts that Harold was now a haven for tolerance quickly subsided after the council also legalised gypsy hunting. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
The Biebs out and about of an evening. Seriously.
Unsettling Canadian pop-chipmunk Justin Bieber has topped off a controversial week by defecating on fans gathered under his hotel balcony.
Over the last few days the nineteen year old sign that the apocalypse has begun has spat on fans, allegedly attacked a DJ and been caught urinating in a mop bucket he found in a restaurant corridor. Now this latest exhibition of grim anti-social behaviour has increased speculation that The Biebs as millions of fans across the globe call him is going what’s known in the music industry as ‘a bit Michael’ and believing himself to be above the law and social convention. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, Showbusiness
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July 27, 2013 · 2:30 pm
Harold authorities are planning a radical overhaul of crime and anti-social behaviour prevention techniques. In light of the Prime Minister’s recently announced plans to tackle on-line perverts by asking them if they wish to access porn before they access porn, Councillor Ron Ronsson has unveiled plans to replicate the strategy in a number of other areas.
In retail, shoppers visiting the Tesco Express on the high street will be asked when entering the store if they require access to alcohol and tobacco. Councillor Ronsson assures us he is almost certain someone somewhere has done a study to show this will reduce sales of these potentially harmful products. And Julie , owner of ‘Cuts Both Ways’, will be checking with all her customers that they want access to potentially sharp instruments before they are allowed entry to her scissor emporium.
Knob-jockey (now official)
A change in French law means it has now become legal to insult the French president, giant bell-end Francois Hollande.
Parliament agreed on Thursday to amend legislation dating back to 1881 in favour of freedom of speech. Previously, anyone tempted to offend the huge ringpiece of a President risked a fine, but now it is completely legal to refer to the head of state as “cockpiece”, “arsegargle” or “turdroller”.
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Filed under International News, Politics
Welby thought it best not to bring his ceremonial crook, or Earl as he is known
As you would expect, the meeting of the Churches first credit union meeting in Harold created a huge amount of interest.
If you like it, we’d love you to share it.
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July 26, 2013 · 1:36 pm
No such thing as a non-deductable lunch
Villagers are celebrating the first green shoots of a local economic recovery, with Harold’s Save & Prosper (HS&P) being discharged from ‘financial convalescence’ on 1st August, well ahead of poorly managed national money-pits like Lloyds & RBS.
“George Osborne would do well to take a leaf out of Harold’s book”, said Rev Tansy Forster, “we’re even one step ahead of Archbishop Welby on community financing initiatives.”
In line with the Archbishop’s new stance on money lenders suddenly being ‘a good thing’, the Credit Union will make affordable money available to anyone who wants it. “Although in line with a more general church policy, that will exclude women, homosexuals and people who have had credit before”, said Forster.
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Filed under Business, Crime, Economy, Uncategorized
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have finally named the ‘royal baby’ George Alexander Louis after arguing over a suitable name. The arguments revolved around the length of the third-in-line to the throne’s first name.
In his continuing efforts to modernise the monarchy the Duke wanted to be seen driving his new family home himself, has changed two nappies to give their nanny a rest and is now going to get his child’s name tattooed onto his forearm.
“The idea of getting a tattoo has been set for a while but William is a bit of a wimp”, royal watcher Nicholas Witchell told us. “Catherine always wanted a Bartholomew, Montgomery or Slartibartfast, but he had his heart set on something short and relatively painless to ink such as Bob, Jon or 3.”
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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Royals
The hounds have been trained to follow the scent of stress and marginalisation.
In a surprise move the government today formally legalised the hunting of Job Seeker’s Allowance claimants with dogs.
“It’s a practical measure in this time of austerity,” David Cameron told the press. “Yes, hunting foxes with dogs was made illegal in 2004 but let’s be honest that didn’t exactly put an end to the practice, now did it? So the hunts are there, the claimants are there, all we’re doing is putting the two together in a mutually beneficial arrangement that will cost the decent hard-working tax payer very little.” Continue reading
Judges currently favouring single-sided entries
Organisers of the Harold Booker Literary prize have been accused of ‘dumbing down’, after the longlist was revealed to contain nothing thicker than a pamphlet.
With the label from a shampoo bottle being amongst the selected few, some think the list is just a collection of things Ron Ronsson reads while he’s sat on the toilet.
“Not a bit of it”, said Ronsson, clutching a packet of tampons. “All of the entrants are here purely on merit. And with 13 of the buggers to read before August, did you really expect us to squeeze in a novel?”
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Filed under Around Harold, Art, Business, Culture
The cynical expression of someone who doesn’t give a rat’s arse about the Prince of Cambridge. That’s because she cares about real issues, sheeple. She cares.
In an emergency session this morning Harold council changed village law to allow the slapping of anti-Royal statistics bores.
“Something had to be done,” said Mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “Since eight thirty last night a small minority of Haroldites have been intent on implying that anyone who is happy that Kate’s finally had it, and is enjoying a diversion from the normal god-awful depressing news is an idiot. So now we’ve changed the law to allow ordinary Haroldites to very mildly make their displeasure known.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Royals
Heaven knows he’s miserable now.
As his planned South American tour is cancelled due to lack of funds the Evening Harold is launching an appeal in aid of eighties icon Morrissey. We refuse to accept that his current circumstances are down to the natural fading of a star who hasn’t released any new material in years and simply coasts on the back of endlessly repackaged hits.
Together we could help Morrissey be great again. He could create, the flame could burn and the tiresome arse who spouts racist drivel and is more embarrassing than most people’s nan could become nothing but an unpleasant memory. Continue reading
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Filed under News, Showbusiness
Here are ten more lesser known facts about the royal birth
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Filed under International News, News, Royals
Kate may be stripped of the ‘Royal Heir Makers’ yellow jersey
Buckingham Palace have confirmed that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby boy. However, the validity of her labour, and subsequently the baby’s claim to be third in line to the throne have been called into question after initial indications show Kate has failed a doping test.
“We are still waiting for the results from a ‘B’ sample to come back from the lab, but we are sure she gave birth under the influence of pain killers, nitrous oxide and other ‘performance enhancing drugs’” a spokesman for the World Anti-Doping Agency told reporters.
“If the tests are confirmed, she will be stripped of the royal heir makers yellow jersey and receive a world-wide four-year ban from producing babies for any other royal family.”
The news comes just after Chris Froome became the record-breaking second successive clean winner of the Tour De France.
Kensington Palace has denied all claims of doping during the birth and promised to appeal any ban handed down from WADA.
“We are as shocked as anyone else at this result, and promise to conduct a full, internal investigation” the royal gynaecologist told us.
“We are sure she has not willingly taken any substance, but are looking into the possibility a cup of Earl Grey consumed during labour may either have been contaminated with diamorphine, or inadvertently given her an epidural.”
The Palace’s denial of deliberate doping may be questionable as witnesses in the Lindo wing say they heard a female voice scream “Stop prancing round in that f***ing pilot’s uniform and get me some f***ing drugs, NOW.”
In line with drug cheat tradition, we are expecting an easel with the very important announcement of an interview booking to be placed outside Oprah Winfrey’s house.
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Filed under News, Royals, science, Uncategorized
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