Category Archives: Sex
Theresa May has reassured the public that despite the ‘resignation’ of Damian Green, the government is still wall-to-wall wankers.
In a stiffly-worded statement, May insisted that with the likes of Gove, Johnson, Davies and Hunt still around, you could hardly toss a brick in the cabinet without hitting a wanker, and that’s without even mentioning Liam Fox.
“It’s nonetheless a real jerk that Mr Green has decided he cannot wait a moment longer before shooting off”, she ejaculated wildly.
“When I first heard the news, I confess I was sitting there with my head in my hands, as, presumably, was Damian Green.”
“Nevertheless, I’m certain there will be a queue of ministers keen to fill his position. It’s an attractive role in my government, and after all, Green had just splashed out on a new desk.”
Inventor Doug Hines said he knew he’d developed a life-like sex robot when Roxxxy took one look at him and said “fuck off you sad, bald, loser, I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last man on earth”.
Diplomats were left crossing their fingers today after it emerged that Donald Trump is under the impression that Theresa May is actually a high-class Russian call girl on a visit to cement relations with Moscow.
“We think it’s the coat,” explained the British ambassador in Washington. “We said ‘no Cossack’, but she just does her own thing. It’s not going to be pretty.”
He admitted that May’s opening US speech may have been ill-advised, after she departed slightly from the usual diplomatic protocol and spoke of “Bending over and taking one for my country”.
Trump was in exultant mood today. “Boy, she’s hot!” he tweeted. “Told me she already fucked 64 million people in her own country, my kind of girl!”
“Theresa May? Theresa WILL more like!”
Rabbits everywhere plan to mark the death of Watership Down author Richard Adams by having sex enthusiastically all day, it has been revealed.
Adams died on Christmas Eve aged 96. His famous rabbit novel, first published in 1972, became one of the bestselling children’s books of all time, selling tens of millions of copies.
As the sad news sunk in, burrows and warrens across the country fell silent today, apart from the faint sound of frenzied bunny intercourse.
“It’s a sad blow for all of us,” said Cowpat, a four-year-old buck from a warren near Honiton in Devon.
“I personally plan to commemorate his passing by shagging anything that moves until I fall asleep, after which I’ll nibble a carrot and start again.”
“It’s what he would have wanted. This one’s for you Richard! And this one. And this one.”
Buttock, a two-year-old white doe from Sussex, added: “My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.”
“Fancy a shag?”
In the biggest shock yet to the 2016 Presidential race, an unidentified woman has come forward claiming not to have been ever groped or inappropriately touched by Republican candidate Donald Trump.
Masie Renfrew, 48, a dental hygienist from Brooklyn, claimed to sceptical journalists that she shared an elevator with Trump in 1986 without being molested by the bewigged octopus.
“He just sort of stood there looking at me out of the corner of his eye,” explained Renfrew. “He seemed to twitch slightly, but that could just have been the wig blowing in the air con. Then I got out, and he hadn’t done anything, I was shocked.”
“I supposed I’m lucky I was only going one floor.”
Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading
The damning report slammed several post-war US presidents, and if speculations are to be believed, what they could have done to the Churchill statue behind closed doors makes what Obama did look pale by comparison.
Dwight Eisenhower – or to give his surname its proper spelling ‘Eisenhauer’ – was of course part German, a country with whom Britain has seldom been allies. Therefore, the report claims, he almost definitely carried the anti-UK mutation, even if he was not aware of it. Despite their good relationship in real life, some suggest that in private, Eisenhower could have made fun of our nation’s greatest leader by making the statue eat sauerkraut or sausages with mustard on.
Fast forward to the sixties and we find part-Irish John F. Kennedy in the Whitehouse. The report points out that the Irish ancestral hatred of Britain is second-to-none, and it is thought that while praising Churchill in public, it is most likely Kennedy allowed his many mistresses to give him oral sex in full view of Britain’s war-time PM’s disapproving statue eyes.
Another part-Irish chief executive, Bill Clinton, is likely to have done even worse, maybe full sex, or anal, and Clinton’s now-infamous ‘cigar incident’ could well have been a direct mocking reference to Churchill’s fondness for smoking them in his tight-lipped yet moist, yielding mouth.
Unusually for a major artist’s release, the album will be launched with no advertising whatever, on a date that is being kept a secret, and only sold in a handful of boutique ironmongers.
The album is not actually being released in England, although it will be freely available in Scotland and everywhere else.
“We realise that this low-key approach to publicity might mean that not all fans get to appreciate Elton’s latest offering,” admitted an anonymous spokesperson, “But sometimes big stars prefer to stay out of the limelight.”
“Not that there’s anything to hide. Why would there be anything to hide?”
“In fact, you’re not allowed to say that there’s nothing to hide. Enjoy the album though!”
“Not that there’s an album. We deny that completely.”
“We’re a perfectly happily married couple, and would have no need to release an album.”
“Ooh, what a give away.”
The general public has welcomed news of a Tory sex scandal.
“Tax avoidance isn’t the easiest subject for people to get their heads around,” said villager Pippa Delaney, “but a good old fashioned romp in a gimp mask is something we can all definitely relate to.”
When Culture Minister John Whittingdale discovered he had done some sex work unwittingly with a sex worker, he immediately declared it in his personal ‘Register of My Member’s Interests’, or diary.
“Even though we were having sex,” he explained, “I did not know it at the time. I thought she was another member of the Culture Committee. Other times she was a plumber. It depended which game we were playing.”
Citizens of the world should ignore their insignificant troubles and rejoice in the fact that there is a man in South Africa called ‘Tokyo Sexwale’, the Evening Harold has learned.
Tokyo Sexwale, the man with the best name in the universe, is the South African candidate in the upcoming FIFA presidential elections.
In case this hasn’t fully sunken in, his name is TOKYO SEXWALE.
Tokyo is a mining tycoon and former anti-apartheid campaigner, but these things which would usually be interesting fade into the background next to the fact that his name is ‘Sexwale’.
“His parents, Mr and Mrs Sexwale, are to be greatly applauded for resisting the temptation to name him ‘Brian’,” explained Evening Harold sporting editor Piers Waghorn. “We can only assume they had been reading a lot of Douglas Adams, and the only surprise is that Tokyo’s middle name isn’t ‘Vroomfondel’.”
Charitable people have suggested that the ‘Tokyo’ is merely an attempt by the parents to distract people who meet their son from noticing his surname, but this theory fails to account for the frankly massive cojones of the Sexwales, who clearly didn’t give a damn what anyone thought.
FIFA voters have admitted that they aren’t actually all that bothered about the corruption thing any more, provided they can have a ‘Tokyo Sexwale’ T-shirt.
Realising too late that an outrageous name was a sure way to be voted FIFA president, one of the other candidates has decided to be called “Jerome Champagne”, but this potentially interesting name is nothing when placed alongside the mighty Tokyo Vroonfondel Sexwale.
A spokesman said the new condoms offered a unique blend of security, sensation and spiritual guidance, and were available in ‘Trinity-sized’ packs of three from machines inside every confessional booth.
For extra protection, each deluxe latex prophylactic comes pre-blessed with a Hail Mary.
“People may be surprised to see the Vatican embracing condom use,” explained official spokesman Reverend Father Federico “Johnny” Lombardi.
“But sex has become very much part ot the Catholic brand. We’d be crazy not to cash in, if only to raise some money for all the lawsuits we’re facing.”
“We think our branding has the rugged but sensual feel so common in the priesthood these days. We’ve listened to the people, done our research, and the people have told us that when you say ‘priest’, they think ‘bull’.”
Despite the massive marketing push, initial sales have disappointingly slow, according to the first sales figures.
The Vatican admitted this was confusing, asking “What in heaven could be putting people off using holy condoms?”
* thanks to Gareth Child – he knows why…
David Cameron has been accused of ‘tainting’ the New Year’s Honours List, after it emerged that the majority of honours recipients are actually pigs who have ‘done favours’ for the Conservative Party.
It is traditional for the political party in power to reward those donors who have paid handsomely for the privilege, but the sheer scale of the pig count this year was a surprise to many. Of the 1196 names on the list, 874 were found on close inspection to be members of the pig family, including 68 wild boars and a warthog.
Most of these were knighted, but a sizeable contingent received OBEs, while the warthog was made a Dame.
It is believed that every single ennobled pig was connected romantically in some way with a Conservative minister, with the exception of ‘Wilbur’ from Charlotte’s Web, who was made a Lord on the strength of his charity work. Continue reading
Cuts to officer numbers will severely affect the ability of undercover police to have illegal affairs with women they have befriended, senior police chiefs have told the home secretary.
“It is the worst possible timing to be cutting police numbers now, in the current climate when so many officers fancy a quick one with members of the public who do not know they are actually police,” the letter insists.
“Especially with all the other stuff going on at the moment, our officers are going to have to choose between illicit nookie and protecting the public from bad people,” it continues.
“The obvious result is that the terrorists will win.”
The pig at the centre of the David Cameron scandal has broken her silence in an exclusive kiss and squeal interview.
Under the alias ‘Margaret’ she said that she wanted to get things straight, “Something Mr Cameron had no trouble doing in his student days”.
After shocking revelations of bestiality again swept the government, David Cameron has insisted that the incident when he put his penis into the mouth of a dead pig was merely part of an explanation of his future plans for the UK.
The porcine molestation, which occurred at a dining club at Oxford University, has been seen by many as further proof that the Prime Minister is the sort of slimy lowlife who would literally fuck a pig, but a government spokesperson insisted the incident has been taken “out of context”.
“When the future PM inserted his ‘private organ’ into a dead pig’s mouth, he was only trying to demonstrate visually the beneficial effect of Conservative policies on the country,” the spokesperson explained. Continue reading
The Sun on Sunday has revealed how two otherwise respectable prostitutes were involved in sleazy drug-fuelled sex romp with former Labour Minister Lord Sewel.
Speaking from underneath another client this morning, one of the women said she felt betrayed by Sewel’s silence about his day job.
“I assumed he was a drug dealer or a pimp” said ‘Janice’ “so I was disgusted to find that he was in the House of Lords. Would you excuse me, just got to finish…” Continue reading
The Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre (CEOP) has called on porn-mongers to protect on-line youngsters from the Conservatives
CEOP’s Alison Bright explains. “With teenagers being their biggest customers, they have a duty of care to the young & vulnerable. A kid could be quietly banging one out in his bedroom , to a laptopful of Roman orgy. Then, before he knows it, he sees a foam-flecked Grant Shapps on-screen, lying about something. Again.”
A local deviant has claimed that a spider he found in his kitchen was so sexy, it gave him a 4-hour erection.
Hagrid Evans told us that the arachnid has evolved over thousands of years specifically to ‘give him the horn’, and being a spider, instinctively went for his fly.
“I’ve always been a leg man, and this beauty had eight”, leered Evans. “I could tell I was in love, at least an incy wincy bit.”