It’s Back to Basics as Tories launch good old fashioned sex scandal

C Keeler

He said he didn’t know she was a sex worker. Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?

The general public has welcomed news of a Tory sex scandal.

“Tax avoidance isn’t the easiest subject for people to get their heads around,” said villager Pippa Delaney, “but a good old fashioned romp in a gimp mask is something we can all definitely relate to.”

When Culture Minister John Whittingdale discovered he had done some sex work unwittingly with a sex worker, he immediately declared it in his personal ‘Register of My Member’s Interests’, or diary.

“Even though we were having sex,” he explained, “I did not know it at the time.  I thought she was another member of the Culture Committee.  Other times she was a plumber.  It depended which game we were playing.”

Although co-members of the Cornerstone Club have congratulated the Minister on upholding traditional Tory values, calls are mounting for Mr Whittingdale to step down from his role enforcing the Leveson recommendations on press regulation.

“He couldn’t even use a bit of ‘simple persuasion’ to stop them publishing the story.”

When Whittingdale told David Cameron he had taken her up the Panama Canal, the PM’s first reaction was ‘welcome to the club’ before realising it was a euphemism.  “A man’s sex life is a private matter and I have every confidence in the Minister.”

His resignation is expected shortly.

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