Tag Archives: Spoof news
Doubts over Putin’s claim divorce is ‘work related’
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June 15, 2013 · 11:00 amGardener creates winning Royal Show topiary from wife’s pubic hair
The only bush to be shaped with wax strips
There were blushes at the annual Harold Flower Show yesterday, when it was realised that the winning entry for the bush topiary section had been created from the pubic hair of the successful gardener’s wife.
Jane Fondant, leader of the local Women’s Institute and sponsor of the prize, admitted that the entry was within competition rules. “There was nothing to say that the entry had to be fashioned from the green foliage of a bush; but naturally we were thinking of a shrub rather than Mrs Kennedy’s nether regions. Things have changed a lot in the WI since Calendar Girls, and we are keen to embrace, as it were, anything that distances us from the old jam and Jerusalem image.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Royals
Ireland to run out of Catholic priests in 20 years: breeding program intensified
Priests are shy, solitary creatures.
Reacting to a Vatican report which claims that in twenty years time it is likely that there will be no more Roman Catholic priests in Ireland a sanctuary in County Cork is intensifying its breeding program.
“Priests are shy, solitary creatures,” said Donna McAleese, chief vet at In Nomine Patris Priest Sanctuary and Botanical Gardens. “They are also very difficult to keep in captivity due to them requiring a rarefied incense-laden climate and eating up to three times their body weight in communion wafers every day.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Religion
Bond girl launches Cajazzle – cute jewellery for cats
A L M O S T A N A D V E R T I S I N G F E A T U R E
Cool for cats
Has your moggy become bit of a doggy? Well, you can improve her image by buying her something from Cajazzle, the luxury jewellery range that is guaranteed to take the bag out of your cat.
If you’ve ever thought that your pussy should be better dressed when going out in the evening then Cajazzle has just the thing for you and your feline. Devised by former Bond girl and cat lover, Emilie Bourdain, there is something for all varieties from ginger to tortoiseshell. Continue reading
Australia’s reputation for sexual equality ‘in tatters’
It’s all about respect
There were fears today that the excellent reputation for women’s rights built up over many years in Australia could be fatally tarnished after various unsavoury incidents, including Chris Gayle’s embarrassing flirting and Member of Parliament Peter Dutton being forced to apologise for calling a female journalist a “fucking witch”.
Over the past hundred years or so, few countries have had the excellent reputation for sexual equality enjoyed by Australia. It has always been a given that at work or leisure, sexism was quite unheard of, and females could enjoy a life of absolute equality without the faintest hint of lechery or belittlement. This ingrained culture of inclusiveness is displayed just as much towards the country’s aboriginal community, who have always enjoyed better treatment than that of any other developed nation, and are so well represented in parliament.
It is all the more shocking that a country with Australia’s unparalleled cultural heritage should be besmirched in this way, placing at risk the great intellectual legacy left by former Prime Minister Tony Abbott.
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Filed under Culture, International News
Cod stocks ‘recovering’ claim marine experts
Sod this for a game of soldiers.
Harold village’s famous medieval “Cod Stocks”, which have been used for centuries to shame unruly fish, are well on the road to recovery after years of decline, fish experts have revealed. The stocks were introduced to the village by local landowner Harold du Boeuf on his return from the ninth crusade against Iceland in 1598, and were used to punish deviant mackerel until the great influx of refugee cod from the Spanish Inquisition changed the local marine ecology forever.
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime
BBC cashes in on Game of Thrones success with ‘A Nuddy History of Britain’
The naked version of Henry VIII always rose to the occasion.
Historian Dan Cruickshank has denied ‘dumbing down’ in his new series, ‘A Nuddy History of Britain’.
“If we’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that people remember the naked bits”, he frothed. “The naked bits, and the violent and bloody deaths.”
Cruickshank hastily re-edited a pilot show for his new project, which explored complex family trees, socio-economics and the inherent political injustice of the day. Instead, the show now features writhing, sweating bodies, several gallons of baby oil and rubber masks that look a bit like famous royals.
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Gove to replace GCSE exams with Cowell inspired X-Levels
Amanda will bite your arse!
A leaked Government paper has revealed that Education Secretary, Michael Gove, is planning to shake up the examination system with the introduction of new X Levels, based upon the talent show The X Factor.
“We need to get kids to buy into the examination system,” said a leading Tory strategist, “and we’re willing to take tough decisions by calling Simon Cowell in to make this work. After all, we transformed the High Street by consulting with Mary Portas.” Continue reading
‘Campaign to reclaim words that have become rude’ is launched by US Judge David Minge
No, really.
American Judge and former US politician David R. Minge has taken a leave of absence from his judicial duties to launch a campaign aimed at “enriching the English language by reclaiming those words that have unfortunately gained new, offensive meanings.”
Speaking at a press conference this morning, The Honorable Minge explained: “In the same way that the N word and the Q word have been reclaimed by the Black and Belgian communities respectively, I hope to bring back common usage of such words as ‘nonce’, ‘fanny’, ‘knockers’ and ‘felch’, and in so doing remove their unpleasant new meanings for ever.”
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Filed under Culture, Golden Showers, International News
Family slammed for not organising charity event following grandfather’s death
When Doris Kettle’s brother, Ken, died at the age of 78 in January, his sister naturally expected his family to pay tribute to him in the usual manner by taking part in some futile project in his memory. But so far, says a disappointed Doris, nothing has happened.
“I think it’s appalling,’ said the Grandmother of six. “We had the funeral, the wake and then, of course, the memorial service and since then, nothing. The London Marathon came and went and none of the lazy buggers even bothered to take part in that. Not one of them has even had their head shaved. I can’t help thinking that Ken died in vain.” Continue reading
Lowry painting ‘Sad factory worker (with giant cock and balls)’ may be clever forgery, experts warn
Subtle erotic undertones
Several previously unseen paintings by LS Lowry are to go on show this month, including many with unusually frank erotic undertones.
The paintings were discovered in a Manchester grammar school where they had been hanging undisturbed for many years, and include many lost masterpieces such as “Sad factory worker (with giant cock and balls)”.
Expert Michael Simpson from the Lowry gallery in Salford said: “These exciting works provide a unique insight into the hidden depths of Lowry’s character. Some people may be surprised that the artist would tackle this unusually explicit subject matter, but I have no doubt that this is 100% Lowry. There’s not a million miles between towering factory chimneys and erect phalluses, at least not in my book. And it is wonderful to see the artist mixing blue ballpoint pen with his more traditional watercolours, as seen to great effect in “Lady on the Accrington Tram (has massive boobies)” – breathtaking penmanship there.”
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Politicians raise concerns over ‘Google Underpants’ privacy
Say “Cheese”!
US politicians are urgently seeking assurances from Google that its new ‘smart underpants’ will respect personal privacy. The underpants, codenamed “Google Ass”, appear similar to traditional underwear, but contain a ‘heads-up’ display with camera and microphone, which sit snugly on the wearer’s right testicle (most users are believed to be male).
A letter signed by members of the Congressional privacy caucus has been sent to Google posing several questions about the data the gadget will collect from users, and concerns were also raised about the privacy implications of having a camera strapped permanently to one’s cock. The caucus has quizzed many tech companies in the past on what they do with the information they gather from users’ genitals, and famously reprimanded Sony for not making it clear to customers that the new “Buttman” music player included DRM which meant once inserted, it could only be removed in-store, causing much embarrassment to shoppers.
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Filed under Dating, Fashion, Lifestyle, Technology
What’s wrong with white wine
Food & Drink with Miles Anour
Miles puts in some serious research
People often ask me “Miles, what have you got against white wine drinkers?”
Once I’ve picked myself up from the floor, not from the shock of the question, but usually because I’ve usually been researching fairly strenuously for several hours, I reply that I’ve nothing against the bastards personally, it’s just that the narrow minded Philistines are missing out on so much good drinking. Continue reading
Dambusters in-flight catering was superior to budget airlines
Food and Drink with Miles Anour
Dambusters plane disposes of empty barrel of 1943 claret
There’s a lot being written about the 70th anniversary of the Dambusters wartime air raid. There is no doubting that the men who carried out this mission were heroically brave, but the prospect of near certain death was compensated for a little by the high standard of in-flight catering in those days. I mean, compared to EasyJet or similar frightful flight providers.
For a start, refreshments and meals would have been included. I’ll bet the crew didn’t have to pay their in-flight butler extra for a measly coffee, peanuts or a Mars bar. And I know for a fact that they started stuffing their faces from the moment the pilot called out ‘chocs away’. I’ve seen the old films.
Jeremy Vine solves slight disagreement – very few injured
Vine not looking his best in the Lickers just before 4am, wearing special radio shoes coated in sick
One of Harold’s most controversial issues has finally been laid to rest, after a chance visit from Radio 2’s Jeremy Vine.
Anyone who knows Harold also knows just how divisive opinions can be. Over the years the village has seen arguments between neighbours and friends, and even the odd family feud. Many a punch up in the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been blamed on disagreements, together with copious amounts of over-priced alcohol.
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Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, News, Uncategorized
Football chairman rules out bid for Gareth Bale
Won’t muddy his boots for HTFC
The chairman of struggling Harold Thursday football club has conceded that there was probably not ‘quite enough cash’ in the kitty to buy the £80m rated player, despite the fact that the purchase of Tottenham Hotspur superstar Gareth Bale would ‘do wonders’ for the club’s prospects in the Crumble’s Biscuit League.
“Although we are a small football club which makes only a modest profit, we are technically better off than a club like Chelsea which loses zillions every year,’ pointed out club supremo Billy McKean. Continue reading
Dementia sufferer charged for wasting police time then tagged
Not as daft as she looks?
An elderly lady has been charged with wasting police time after she apparently became disorientated on a routine shopping trip.
Police were called out after Elsie Duggan, 86, became lost on her way back from a visit to the Tesco Express after appearing confused at the checkout. After a search, she was found sitting on a bench near the war memorial.
“It is true that we have charged an elderly woman with wasting police time,” said PC Anita Flegg defending police actions. “Were supposed to do exciting things like driving fast patrol cars and chasing international villains – not spend our time looking for lost cats or rescuing senile pensioners from trees. Do you know how much it costs to call out a police helicopter these days?”
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Filed under Around Harold, News
Pope and ex-Pope ‘will perform breakfast sketch from Morecambe and Wise’
What do you think of it so far?
Following ex-Pope Benedict’s decision to move into the Vatican along with Pope Francis, there were fears among Papal advisors that the unprecedented situation might lead to some ecumenical friction between the two holy men.
In a surprise to everyone, however, the Pope and ex-Pope have revealed that far from being discomfited by the living arrangements, they have actually embraced the celibate buddies idea so much that they have started performing old comedy double-acts, and intend to build up to a big break with tradition by swapping this year’s Christmas blessing for a revival of Morecambe and Wise’s famous “Breakfast” routine to the tune of “The Stripper”.
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Filed under Dating, International News, Showbusiness, Vikings
Records smashed ‘in a bad way’ as local election turnout hits an all-time low
Records were broken at the local parish elections yesterday when it was revealed that the turnout of just five votes was 50% lower than the previous record low.
At a press conference, attended exclusively by the Evening Harold, Mayor Rufus D Jackson conceded that the polls were nothing to be proud of: “This is an historic day for our community but in a bad way. The fact that each of the candidates received just one vote each is not good, but at least I’ve retained office so it’s not all bad. It sustains my faith in democracy.”
Jackson admitted that it appeared that only the five candidates actually voted: “We will have to look into this of course,” adding “Questions will be asked in the Jackson household as to why I only received one vote.” Continue reading
UKIP clown blames car breakdown on failure to register for election
Koko – the UKIP Candidate
Dave Koko, UKIP’s representative in the village council contest has admitted that a comedy of errors has resulted in his failing to register for this Thursday’s election.
Part time fireman, Koko, 35, who has been a UKIP member for five years, was previously a member of the Monster Raving Loony Party but he was excluded for being too extreme.
Wearing his trademark UKIP outfit complete with red nose and size 19 shoes, Koko blamed his car for his not making the deadline for filing his election papers. ‘My car is always breaking down,’ he sighed. ‘First it stops moving so I get out and open the bonnet. Then water spurts into my face, so I kick the car in retaliation. Then the doors fall off and the tyres go flat. Finally the bumpers crash to the ground and the car gives out a loud fart. It’s getting beyond a joke!’ Continue reading
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