Ireland to run out of Catholic priests in 20 years: breeding program intensified

Priests are shy, solitary creatures.

Priests are shy, solitary creatures.

Reacting to a Vatican report which claims that in twenty years time it is likely that there will be no more Roman Catholic priests in Ireland a sanctuary in County Cork is intensifying its breeding program.

“Priests are shy, solitary creatures,” said Donna McAleese, chief vet at In Nomine Patris Priest Sanctuary and Botanical Gardens. “They are also very difficult to keep in captivity due to them requiring a rarefied incense-laden climate and eating up to three times their body weight in communion wafers every day.”

Even when a priest thrives in this environment it is exceptionally difficult to get them to mate.

“It’s the same case here as in the wild,’ sighed Professor McAleese. “Their failure to breed is due to a lack of interest in some while the majority appear to have a self-destructive urge to breed with sexually immature priests and once fixated on a very young Roman Catholic cannot be dissuaded or stopped from ruthlessly pursing them. Unfortunately a lot of priests have proved to be exceptional sexual predators and their targets are always ones that are far too young to mate with properly.”

The staff at In Nomie Patris are hoping that a new innovation will encourage their priests to overcome their reluctance and breed with each other.

“We’re going to waft a cloth under their noses that’s been wiped under the arm of a panicked, sweating altar boy. If that doesn’t get them in the mood nothing will.”

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