Following news events over the last few days, we have decided to publish a picture that some may find controversial. We do it defiance of those who try to break us, in defiance of those who are desperate to force change upon us, and in defiance of those who wish to devalue our traditions.
Cadbury, leave our Creme Eggs alone.
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Filed under Culture, Easter, International News, Law and Order, News, Uncategorized
A pub has been sent a winter fuel allowance, which was intended for the heir to the throne.
The Prince of Wales hostelry received a cheque made out to ‘HRH Prince Charles’, to cover his not inconsiderate energy bills.
“I guess he’s got a lot of homes to keep warm, and architects don’t just burn themselves”, said landlord Michael Scapegoat. “And then there’s all those badgers to gas.”
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Saudi cleric Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid has issued a ban on the building of snowmen in the north of the country following the appearance overnight of a 3 foot tall icy effigy of the Prophet Mohammed.
In a statement the cleric declared that to make statues in the form of any human was sinful, but to make one that looks a bit like how they imagine someone who lived 1400 odd years ago but of whom, not surprisingly, no pictures exist in a medium that doesn’t really lend itself to accurate depictions of facial features; particularly eye colour, skin tone and general beard scraggliness; was not only highly blasphemous, but also quite silly.
Photo for satirical purposes only. Any resemblance to religious figures living or dead is purely coincidental.
Saudi riot police were despatched to the area where they set about smashing up, shooting and beheading all the offending snow demons and arresting groups of small children armed with an array of deadly bobble hats, scarves and woolly mittens.
Police eventually managed to restore order by arresting the ringleader, a jolly happy soul with a corn cob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal following a brief shootout at the offices of a French Santarist magazine.
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Filed under Badgers, Christmas, ice, Law and Order, Police, Religion, Uncategorized, War, Weather
Wonder what they’re all thinking? Dave knows
David Cameron has announced that his government are set to do radical Islam a solid and limit everyone’s right to privacy and freedom. “The powers that I believe we need,” he said, “whether on communications data, or on the content of communications – I am very comfortable those are absolutely right for a modern, liberal democracy. A modern, liberal democracy in which security services read everything, listen to everything and watch everyone. If that’s not the definition of a free society well then maybe I don’t know what one is.” Continue reading
Patients can also choose not to be neutered.
Rather than expose patients to 15 hour waits in beleaguered A&E units, a NHS whistle-blower has revealed that some overstretched hospitals have been referring patients to veterinary practices for more immediate treatment.
Even more embarrassing for the NHS, internal surveys of customer satisfaction have shown that patients would rather return to the vet for further treatment rather than their local hospital. Continue reading
After suffering an embarrassing hacking attack where ‘I love ISIS’ messages were posted to the US Central Command’s Twitter and YouTube accounts, the US exacted a terrible revenge by infecting all ISIS computers with Clippy, the Microsoft Office Assistant.
“We just hacked the US Central Command’s social media accounts as a bit of a joke” complained ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.
“You could understand if the US, in the spirit of banter, launched a few more drones our way, or water-boarded a few of the brothers in Guantanamo Bay. I’d even have said ‘fair cop’ if US jets dropped 1,000s of cartoons of the Prophet from the sky. But in the name of Allah, infecting all our computers with an unremovable version of Clippy is just … unnecessary.”
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Filed under International News, Law and Order
Could be worse. Could be a finger of fudge.
The American food giant that owns Cadbury’s is facing strong criticism for secretly rolling out a new cheaper Creme Egg, wherein nearly all the goodness of fresh milk chocolate has been replaced with less costly ingredients, specifically, human faeces.
Kraft Foods has replaced the hugely popular Cadbury’s Dairy Milk shell with one made from a crusty mix of dried excrement sourced from several countries, according to reports in the press.
A spokesman for Kraft told journalists “It’s no longer Dairy Milk. It’s similar, but not exactly Dairy Milk. To be brutally honest, there’s more shit. We have austerity too you know. Real chocolate costs money. ”
“We tested the new one with consumers. They were found to be foul-tasting and stinking of excrement, but we’ve given the new egg a firm thumbs-up.”
Fans of the ovoid chocolate treat – first launched 43 years ago- are angry with the change, with one saying: “I’m so disappointed – they’ve been my favourite snack for years. Now the chocolate tastes cheap, like chocolate liquors, only shittier. I’ll probably still buy them though.”
“Thank heavens there’s now only five in the pack, instead of six – that’s a hell of a relief for those of us who don’t like picking turds out of our teeth on a spring afternoon.”
After officials from the Department of Health asked Kraft for confirmation that the new “chocolate” eggs were fit for human consumption, the company issued a statement saying: “Just don’t ask what’s in the creamy bit…”
Anal terrorism is the worst, Fox News
An American “terrorism expert” on the right-wing Fox News channel has declared that the leafy Sussex town of East Grinstead is “a totally Scientologist” city “where non-Scientologists just simply don’t go”.
Steve Emerson made the claim, which may come as a surprise to the thousands of non-Scientologist residents of West Sussex’s fourteenth-largest town, during a television discussion about no-go zones in Europe where Scientologists are apparently in complete control.
“In Britain, it’s not just no-go zones, there are actual towns like East Grinstead that are totally Scientologist, where John Travolta and Tom Cruise stalk the streets, beating up anyone who doesn’t look like them, dress like them or make increasingly desperate comeback movies,” he said. Continue reading
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Filed under Felching Bumsquats, Media, Politics
They’ll even fill your tyres with hot air.
With milk now cheaper than water in some supermarkets, and petrol also cheaper than water in all of them, Waitrose are hoping to inspire shoppers to treat themselves with fancier fuel.
Offering a range of sparkling diesels and EC-compliant fruit-scented petrols, the first Waitrose service station is already drawing a queue of discerning motorists.
“People take petrol for granted, now that you can buy a litre of ‘cooking unleaded’ for under a quid”, said Rupert Thomas, Marketing Director.
“But a hint of jasmine or jojoba oil from your tailpipe lets those behind you know that you favour a more select way of burning your money.”
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Blair acts on his personal commandment, “thou shalt not listen”
“It’s not very often I can sympathise with terrorists, other than the killing innocent people thing, but having one million people marching through the street is something they should ignore,” Mr Blair said. Continue reading
After days of terror where gangs of cats peed in neighbour’s gardens and bailed up dogs while the cats owners chanted ‘cats are great!’, moderate cat ladies have been urged to condemn extremist cat ladies.
The attacks seemed to be in retaliation to an unflattering depiction of a cat in the latest issue of the Harold Kennel Club’s monthly magazine, but most villagers say a poorly drawn cat by a dog owner can never be an excuse for a feline rampage.
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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Law and Order
Following his tweet suggesting all Muslims must be held responsible for jihadists, the world has responded saying Rupert Murdoch should be held responsible for Rupert Murdoch.
“An ancient ideology, with extremist views that are not comparable with a modern progressive society”, is how one commentator described Mr Murdoch.
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Business booming for Jesus Charlie
A loose coalition of dyslexics, failed French students, owners of phones with sticky ‘i’ keys, and Americans attempting to join the ‘Je suis Charlie’ campaign is thought to be behind the surge in Jesus Charlie’s Twitter and Facebook followers, though Mr Charlie says that isn’t the sole reason.
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Filed under breaking news, International News
Happy new New Year: more kittens, less bullets
In an unprecedented move almost the entire world has agreed to press reset and start 2015 again.
“The year so far while young in days has been high in tragedy. It’s just kak” said David Cameron. “Let us all as one pause, step back and have another go. But not the sales again, let’s try to have a little dignity this time and not be queuing outside Next at 3:00am.” Continue reading
“No, really. You’re welcome to it.” [Circle Holdings 2015]
The company is so upset that it’s decided to withdraw from Hinchingbrooke hospital but made it clear that it will continue with many other NHS deals. “Some are very profitable,” agreed Circle’s top Money-Wrangler Steve Melton “and in such cases it would clearly be unethical to let the public down.” Continue reading
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Filed under Aggressively Tested, Health, Medicine, News, Politics
Gordon brown loved talking about Gillian Duffy, the bigoted pensioner from Rochdale
The traditions dates back many generations, with the first recorded story being told by Victorian prime minister Sit Robert Peel.
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Filed under Uncategorized
Can he fix it? No, he can’t
Nick Clegg has cancelled an order for 500 business cards advertising his skills as a low-level bodger, after being declared the leader of a ‘major political party’.
“This is brilliant news,” said Clegg from his caravan in the gardens of Number 10. “I didn’t know anyone was listening to me, other than that lady who I quoted for painting her fence, some time after April.”
The move means Clegg will be allowed to appear in a series of TV debates. “It’s vital for putting my point across’,” he declared.
“No job too small, references available. White washing a speciality. Should I mention I do removals? How far away is Chipping Norton?”
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Filed under Election 2015, Politics
In an act of solidarity with other papers, we are publishing the controversial image of the figure that Al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri truly worships, and insists other should die for.
Here it is…
Ayman al-Zawahiri
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Filed under Culture, International News, Uncategorized
Hopkins listens intently for the sound of her own voice as she speaks out of her ar*e
Channel 5 have admitted that this year’s Celebrity Big Brother is just a hoax to get Katie Hopkins out of the public eye for 2 weeks.
“We have no intention of televising this year’s programme,” a channel 5 spokesman said, “w Continue reading
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Filed under Culture
Pens have been warned they face trial for committing war crimes. Through their ability to produce an army of words and pictures, the weapons of wordsmiths and cartoonists stand accused of upsetting people’s sensibilities, a crime so heinous it provokes murder.
Also in the dock are the co-accused: pencils, colour, and words. Many fear that although it is necessary to stop these weapons of mass thought production in their tracks, doing so will lead to even more radicalised crayons.
“Firing an indiscriminate barrage of words directly into people heads is as dangerous as war,” prosecutors said.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
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