With milk now cheaper than water in some supermarkets, and petrol also cheaper than water in all of them, Waitrose are hoping to inspire shoppers to treat themselves with fancier fuel.
Offering a range of sparkling diesels and EC-compliant fruit-scented petrols, the first Waitrose service station is already drawing a queue of discerning motorists.
“People take petrol for granted, now that you can buy a litre of ‘cooking unleaded’ for under a quid”, said Rupert Thomas, Marketing Director.
“But a hint of jasmine or jojoba oil from your tailpipe lets those behind you know that you favour a more select way of burning your money.”
Waitrose has made a few changes to the forecourt, which will be welcomed by their customers.
“Naturally we trust our customers implicitly, but we still need CCTV”, said Thomas. “If a car without a cherished plate tries to sneak in, we’ll send out a butler to let their tyres down.”
Pumps were considered too vulgar for topping up with carbonated low-sulphur diesel. Instead, it’s poured from a decanter, or a hip flask if you’re treating your lawnmower.
“Putting things in a mass-produced liquid that have no right being there is something our customers demand”, explained Thomas.
“Although it does tend to block the injectors a bit, so you might want to prepare for an emergency. Why not pick up a flask of our specialist milk to drink while you wait for a tow from Ocado Assistance? We’ve added a splash of water we found in a hole in the ground, it tastes so much more exclusive than that nasty, clean tapped stuff.”