Kim Jong Un has been the first international leader to congratulate Nicola Sturgeon on her party’s success in Scotland in the General Election.
Following the type of victory in one country normally reserved for dictatorships, Mr Kim has said he was impressed at the lack of purging of political opponents involved in her landslide.
“I can’t help but get a general who fears for his life to take my hat off to her”, the North Korean leader said.
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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
All participants are experts in veneers.
Tonight on BBC 4, the surprise hit ‘Slow TV’ will reach its climax with 13 hours of uninterrupted election coverage*.
Watch as five well-oiled, semi-skilled bodgers attempt to assemble a cabinet.
Going against the grain, the group uses techniques that seem to defy progress. Marvel as they tirelessly attempt to stuff a dovetail into a butt joint.
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Please God, don’t let it be put out to stud.
Whenever I used to visit my local racecourse, my friend and I would devise sure fire ways of picking the winner of the next race.
Eventually, I settled upon putting my fiver on the horse being led by the best turned out stable lass. Meanwhile, my cannier mate studied the horses carefully and put his money on the horse which dropped its .. er .. droppings before the start or the race, the theory being that the horse would be less encumbered when it came to the serious matter of racing.
Now it’s highly unlikely that any of the candidates for the General Election will be dropping their load in public before the off, but with just one day to go, here is the Evening Harold guide to the main runners and riders.
Nick Clegg (Yellow): Unlikely to win, but sure to could influence final outcome. Will stud with anyone in exchange for 5 year tenure in comfy stable.
Nicola Sturgeon (Tartan): Feisty little filly showing good breakaway form in practice. Unable to run outside of Scotland but although she can’t win the race may have an influence on final placings. Several of the other runners are keen to stud with her. Continue reading
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Residents in Baltimore have been out in force celebrating the Duchess of Cambridge’s admission into Hospital.
“Nothing brings an oppressed community together like the impending birth of an over privileged white child” one protester said.
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Even our pets have run out of rats arses to give
Unable to take the endless speculation and media blah a moment longer voters in the UK are begging for the general election to be induced.
“It’s really doing my head in,” said villager Janet Holmes. “There’s no escaping the constant guessing about what the next government will be and what name the Prime Minister will have. Who cares? There’s been governments before, this one’s got less novelty value than a packet of everyday value sliced ham. I hope the new government is healthy, of course I do, but beyond that I don’t give a toss. I wish they’d induce it today and be done with it.” Continue reading
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He’s got 9.5 million followers on Twitter, you know…oh, wait, we’re getting confused.
Following yesterday’s snuggle-up between Ed Miliband and Russell Brand, Nigel Farage has met with a celebrity more in tune with Ukip’s policies and had a sit down with Alf Garnett.
“Alf is a wonderful man,” Farage told reporters after their meeting. “He’s of good white working-class stock and a true patriot. He told me that he understands what Ukip is trying to do and supports us whole-heartedly.” Continue reading
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British Wind for British People
There is concern among Harold residents that the recent decline in European wind prices may force the village’s last remaining wind farm to cease production.
Wind products have been a major source of income for the village with exports in excess of five million cubic metres being shipped to Scotland each year alone. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Election 2015, Election 2015, environment, Farming, Nature, Technology, Uncategorized
“Coming soon – these birds won’t antagonise themselves””
“Gordon left a huge mountain of dishes when he left number 10 and I’ve done really well to stop the pile getting too much bigger” explained the PM.
“And the percentage of dirty to clean dishes has actually decreased over my watch, due to a clever quantitative easing approach I call ‘buying new dishes’.”
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“And a Steak Pie & chips my good man and make it snappy; the fourth quarter is about to start”
Well know sports enthusiast and part-time Prime Minister, David Cameron, has been discussing his ability to support multiple teams such as England, UK and GB “For instance, I’m a true-blue West Ham fan but that doesn’t stop me supporting Liverpool Rangers when they’re competing in the Eurasian Cup.”
The Prime Minister’s spokeman later clarified that in fact Mr Cameron is a Villa fan and must have suffered from Brain Fade when referring to his support for ‘The West Hamsters.
“I’ve supported Villa Rovers since I was a lad” said the old Etonian; “nothing like standing at The Shed end singing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ to the world-famous recording by Freddie and the Dreamers.”
“Happy Days eh? Oh look, another spontaneous low-brow cultural reference! The Fonce was my absolute favourite, with his shaven head and lollipop sucking. ‘Who loves ya baby’ – I just loved that catchphrase.”
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Filed under Election 2015, Politics, Sport
“I would happily have you boiled down and sold for glue.”
Local police have warned against scam artists using condescending accents after receiving a spate of complaints.
“There have been several cases of plausible individuals door-stepping pensioners in the area”, said PC Flegg. “They appear uninvited, sometimes following an unsolicited brochure, email or telephone call.”
“Having made contact, they then apply pressure to take up an offer, saying it’s only available for a short period of time. They’re clever and convincing, but the old adage applies: if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”
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Another person of no fixed address is spotted.
Members of the EC have called an emergency search and rescue meeting, to look for some safe moral highground.
Reputations have been dashed like a small dinghy against a rescue ship, but so far, no-one else has been found responsible for the deaths of hundreds of refugees.
“We thought of blaming the victims, but that didn’t go down well at all”, said Jean-Claude Juncker. “So now we’re hoping to target the people smugglers.”
“But they insist they are only responding to market forces and that someone else created the demand in the first place. And quite frankly, that’s outside of our remit.”
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Nicola Sturgeon says the SNP will be a positive influence in a Coalition government with Labour, and she will breastfeed and toilet Ed Miliband until he is old enough to start taking care of himself.
“The Tories can scare-monger all they like but what could be more natural than Ed suckling from my left nipple while we form policy? It is certainly better than some tired old formula” said a glowing Sturgeon.
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Filed under Election 2015, Election 2015, Politics
Farage enjoying a pre-coital cigarette
“Our MPs are renowned for cavorting with call girls, each other’s spouses, bondage mistresses, barely legal school children, and sundry animals in all sorts of locations. Our image would be ruined if we merely got into a plain old bed with Mr Farage. The Conservative Party has very high double standards to maintain” said Mr Gove.
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Skeletons in the Westminster area have said they are ‘disappointed’ by the CPS’s decision not to let them out of the closet they have been locked in for decades.
The skeletons are currently locked away in a closet somewhere in the central London, however it is looking increasingly likely they will only see the light of day when a few more Lords and Ladies have died.
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There’s no denyin’ he’s just a dandylion
The launch of the Liberal Democrat manifesto ended in chaos earlier today when Nick Clegg revealed that he believes himself to be running for office not in England but in Oz.
Looking fetching in a lion costume Clegg said that the Lib Dems should be part of a new coalition government as they would “add a heart to a Conservative government and add a brain to a Labour one“. Continue reading
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The good old days, apparently.
Ukip will give the nation a bloody good laugh today by launching a manifesto that’s as up-to-date as an episode of Dad’s Army. Relying heavily on the banhammer it, of course, would ban UK involvement in European politics but also ban the Department of Energy and Climate Change, green subsidies and the Department for Culture Media and Sport because these are complicated and Ukip basically just likes tanks. Continue reading
Filed under Election 2015, Politics
David Cameron’s kids are growing up here…
…yours can grow up here.
David Cameron will today announce that the millions of people renting privately who have no chance of buying their own home can go **** themselves as the Tories plan on extending the right to buy and selling off 1.3 million housing association properties at a huge discount. Continue reading
Filed under Election 2015, Politics
Oh bugger.
The Conservative party received a massive boost to its election chances today as Tony Blair came out in support of Labour’s Ed Miliband.
The two parties had been running neck and neck in the polls, but following the former Prime Minster’s announcement, the Conservatives’ “Blair bump” saw them race to an impressive 99% lead over Labour.
“Sometimes you just get lucky,” admitted a grinning David Cameron, speaking to journalists while taking a break from painting victory banners and measuring bunting. “Miliband must be gutted, the poor sod. ‘Tony’s unqualified admiration and support’ – what an absolute disaster for anyone.” Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2015, Labour
Mmmmmm. Socks
While many discuss who best represented their party position on the economy, or on immigration, a definitive view on who had the best socks has been hard to come by. Until now.
Miliband – two odd socks, one that said “Tuesday” and one that said “Sunday”, despite it being Thursday. Both socks said “right” and he needed help from his wife to put them on.
Clegg – promised in the run up to the debate that he would wear socks, even went into great detail about exactly what type of socks they would be. Then turned up without any.
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Filed under Election 2015, Media, Politics, TV
Ed Milliband needs to win at least 67 more seats to get into Downing Street
Labour has a fight on its hands to win the General Election, as it needs to gain 67 MPs to get an overall majority.
Ed Miliband will be hoping to win back many of the seats the party lost in 2010, and will also need to take some big scalps to get into Downing Street. Continue reading
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