Sturgeon to breastfeed Miliband

Nicola-SturgeonNicola Sturgeon says the SNP will be a positive influence in a Coalition government with Labour, and she will breastfeed and toilet Ed Miliband until he is old enough to start taking care of himself.

“The Tories can scare-monger all they like but what could be more natural than Ed suckling from my left nipple while we form policy? It is certainly better than some tired old formula” said a glowing Sturgeon.

Ms Sturgeon said there was too much focus on austerity, and she and Ed will live in a huge house with modern appliances, a very well stocked medicine cabinet, and lots of toys (although definitely no missiles).

She would also teach Ed the importance of hard work and enterprise, and in particular finding people with those qualities to tax.

Sturgeon’s motherly image has seen her popularity soar, in England as well as Scotland. But some question her commitment.

“She comes across as a normal hands-on parent” said an anonymous source. “But I overheard her saying as soon as Ed can tie his own shoelaces and has memorised his phone number she is abandoning him and moving back to Scotland.”

“She might be down here longer than she thinks” chuckled the source.

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